5 Signs You’re in a Codependent Relationship as an Introvert
Introverts and sensitive people have a lot of empathy, making it easy for them to end up in codependent relationships without realizing it.
We introverts cherish our alone time. Therefore, in the dating process, when you finally meet someone who you connect with, it’s a big deal. Soon you want to spend more and more time with this person, and it may naturally evolve into a relationship.
As things continue, it’s important to make sure it’s a healthy relationship. When the connection feels oh-so-good — especially for introverts who are used to spending much of their time alone — it can be easy to overlook red flags.
One thing to be aware of is the possibility of a codependent relationship.
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What Is a Codependent Relationship?
The concept of a codependent relationship originated in the 1950s, initially in the context of Alcoholics Anonymous, explains Dr. Renee Exelbert, a licensed psychologist. While this kind of dependency is often seen in relationships where one person has an addiction, it can also happen in relationships that don’t involve any substance abuse at all.
This kind of relationship often happens when someone has a weak sense of self and finds it hard to set healthy boundaries. Codependency can vary in how serious it is and can happen in different kinds of relationships, including between parents and children, spouses, and even coworkers and bosses.
(Speaking of boundaries, here’s how peace-loving introverts can set better boundaries.)
A simple definition of codependency is when one person consistently prioritizes the needs of another, neglecting their own needs and emotions in the process.
The Link Between Introversion, Sensitivity, and Codependency
In my experience as a therapist, I often encounter introverts and highly sensitive people who find themselves in codependent relationships. (Are you a highly sensitive person? Here are 27 “strange” things highly sensitive people do.) It seems that we, the quiet and sensitive ones, might be more susceptible to this unhealthy dynamic.
Why? Because living in our heads, we tend to idealize other people and see their potential. There’s a tendency among us to want to “fix” the other person and help solve their problems. Introverts and sensitive people often excel at problem-solving, after all. However, it’s crucial to recognize that such relationships can be unhealthy, so being aware of the signs of codependency is important, especially before becoming too deeply involved.
As a therapist, I have worked with clients who were in a codependent relationship, are healing from a past one, or who may have experienced a codependent parent-child relationship. This last type can significantly impact their ability to form healthy adult romantic relationships.
Recognizing a codependent relationship isn’t always easy. Often, it’s a subconscious pattern that unfolds over time. So, let’s explore some ways to identify if your relationship may be exhibiting signs of codependency.
5 Signs You Might Be in a Codependent Relationship
1. You want to heal or “save” your partner.
Introverts and sensitive people, often having high levels of empathy, can easily find themselves in codependent relationships without realizing it. We navigate life with a genuine desire to serve others, and naturally, this extends to our partners as well.
While it’s wonderful to help and support your partner, remember that fixing them is not your responsibility. Their personal healing journey is something they need to undertake on their own.
What does codependency look like in practice? Imagine your partner shuts down during arguments. Your empathy might allow you to understand why this happens, perhaps connecting it to their past experiences, like emotional neglect as a child. This understanding, especially common in empathic introverts who tend to delve deep into issues, may lead you to believe you can help your partner overcome these reactions.
You might find yourself wanting to help your partner open up and express their emotions, or even thinking you can fix or “save” them, or help them heal from these unresolved issues. While this desire is commendable, it’s crucial to remember that you are not your partner’s therapist. Your role is to enjoy the relationship, and by doing so, both of you will feel better in it.
Therefore, if you catch yourself trying to fix your partner, pause and consider what you’re trying to fix and why. This reflection is key to potentially reshaping the dynamics of your relationship.
2. Their mood becomes your responsibility.
Wanting your partner to be happy is an important aspect of all relationships, and it’s not uncommon for some introverts and sensitive people to have people-pleasing tendencies. Plus, since we often spend a lot of time in our heads, we may easily move to anxiety, worry, or overthinking if our partner seems upset. When these people-pleasing tendencies reach an extreme level, they often stem from a need for approval or validation — in other words, the desire to feel like you are enough to be loved by your partner.
One way codependency might manifest is if your partner is upset, you might feel the need to do whatever is in your power to make your partner happy again. You may find yourself neglecting your own self-care to go above and beyond to help your partner feel happy, taking on the responsibility for their feelings.
For example, if your partner had a bad day at work and comes home in an agitated mood, it might make you anxious. So, you turn all your focus towards helping them feel calm and happy again. It’s as if you need to do this and can’t relax until your partner is more at ease.
When you shift from wanting your partner to be happy to needing your partner to be happy, it’s time to take a step back and look at what’s going on. How are you feeling in the relationship and about yourself? If you are often putting your partner’s needs above your own, ask yourself why you are doing this and what unmet need is coming up in you that is fulfilled by taking responsibility for your partner’s happiness.
3. You’re usually the one who gives and accomdates.
If you notice that you’re primarily the one being accommodating in the relationship, this might be a sign of codependency. This pattern can become emotionally exhausting over time.
For example, you might be in the dating phase and find that you only meet according to your partner’s schedule. You may often reschedule your plans to accommodate your partner’s requests, while noticing that they don’t do the same for you in return.
Or you might find yourself in a relationship with someone who, despite a good connection, may not be emotionally available. Viewing this through an attachment theory lens, you could find yourself feeling anxious, while your partner appears avoidant. In other words, you are seeking closeness and depth — common needs for anyone, but especially for introverts and sensitive people — while your partner remains emotionally distant and non-committal.
This dynamic can lead to increased anxiety on your part, which, in turn, may cause your partner to become even more avoidant. This cycle becomes a sort of dance, one that is unhealthy and imbalanced.
4. You’d do almost anything to avoid being abandoned.
Fear of abandonment is one of the main characteristics of codependent relationships. Recognizing this fear can be difficult, as you may not be consciously aware of it. In your relationship, this fear might manifest as doing whatever it takes, or tolerating any kind of behavior, to avoid being left by your partner.
For example, perhaps he frequently fails to call when promised, or she often cancels plans or drinks alcohol excessively. Despite this, you find yourself justifying their behavior – thinking it’s not that serious – because the prospect of them leaving is more daunting. In doing so, you end up tolerating toxic patterns.
This connects to my earlier point about how a codependent relationship can feel one-sided. You might find yourself constantly giving and accommodating in the relationship, all to feel loved, wanted, and needed.
If you’re not aware of having abandonment fears, consider these questions: Do you tend to stay in relationships longer than you should, even after they’ve soured? Do you allow behaviors that are uncomfortable or harmful to continue in the relationship?
Remember, allowing unhealthy behavior actually enables the pattern to persist. In other words, by continually forgiving negative behaviors, you’re effectively letting the person “get away with it.”
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5. You fear being lonely.
Have you ever found yourself staying in a relationship that wasn’t ideal but seemed good enough because, in some ways, it felt more comforting than being lonely? Or perhaps you’ve noticed a pattern of jumping from one relationship to another, without taking time for yourself in between.
Introverts cherish their alone time, so these might seem like unusual questions to consider. However, even introverts get lonely. Really, it’s about examining whether you feel attached to the idea of being in a relationship and what this signifies for you.
Often, codependent relationships occur because being with someone — anyone, regardless of how they treat you — feels better than being lonely. This may be the unmet need that the relationship fulfills for you — the assurance that at least you’re not alone.
The First Step Is Becoming Aware of the Signs
Often, we, as introverts and sensitive people, strive to be 110 percent certain before making decisions, including the decision to end an unhealthy relationship. However, it’s important to recognize if you’re resisting taking action because you see the good in your partner, hold onto the hope that they will change, or fear the prospect of starting over in the dating world. If you find yourself hesitating due to underlying fears, it’s possible that this is stemming from a fear of abandonment.
So, if you see yourself in any of these scenarios, acknowledging it is the first step towards change. There are many therapists, including myself, who specialize in helping people recover from codependent relationships. With professional guidance, you can start your journey towards healing and eventually find yourself in a relationship that is balanced, healthy, and fulfilling. 
