By making a few changes, my children stopped being the little people who held my peace hostage.
When I was a child, I dreamed of my future family. There were a few different versions of this family, depending on certain factors at the time. However, all versions included a stay-at-home fantasy with two daughters and days filled with crafts, baking, and playing in the garden, the sun casting a golden glow over a season of life that would be etched into my memory bank forever.
Except I had boys.
Two wild, loud, competitive boys.
My stay-at-home reality involved far too little sleep, way too much noise, and endless rounds of The Wiggles. It’s not that it wasn’t good. It just wasn’t what I imagined.
I wrestled hard.
I clenched my teeth through the tantrums, sibling tiffs, and clingy days of sickness. And every day around 5 p.m., the tentacles of stress coiled their way around my temples, relenting their grip only once the boys were in bed, the lights were out, and this mama was off the clock. (Well, until one of them called out for me in the night.)
This was not how life was supposed to be. I’d bought into the myth of those diaper commercials. I’d gotten sucked into a Hollywood version of my own existence. While the Instagram moms were living like a lead actress in a blockbuster movie, I felt like an extra on a B-grade film.
And I was miserable.
I began to consider why my tolerance was pulled taught, my patience was always hovering near empty, and my peace was non-existent. As luck would have it, I came across an article that discussed introverts and their need for alone time, and finally everything clicked.
Looking at my life from a different perspective, I was able to get curious about my energy levels and the things that drain me. Rather than viewing my children as the little people who held my peace hostage, I saw them as unique. Not flawed or badly behaved, just wired differently than me, with different needs and goals.
It’s very easy as a parent to lose sight of this fact. We are so frequently overwhelmed by all the demands of modern life and the comparison to all the parents on social media who are rocking this gig that we may come off feeling like complete failures.
5 Steps to Thrive as an Introverted Parent
But it doesn’t have to be this way. By investing some energy and awareness into ourselves and our families, even we, as introverts, can thrive as parents. Here’s how:
1. Recognize what works best for you (and what drains you).
In a cookie-cutter world, we can quickly fall into the trap of thinking that what works for one parent should work for all of us. Happily, we’re all wired differently. Extroverted parents may cope better than introverted parents with rambunctious kids and highly stimulating environments. My husband is one such parent. He can tackle those indoor play centers with obnoxiously loud music and squealing children and still manage a pleasant conversation.
On the flip side, as an introvert, I go into shut-down mode when I find myself in those environments. Likewise, when the energy runs high for long periods of time (such as at a kid’s birthday party) or when I’m around my children constantly (school breaks), I need to remember that I’m not broken, just different. When I finally understood how I’m wired as an introvert and in what conditions I operate best, I began to see my uniqueness as a strength and quit apologizing for it.
2. Recognize how your kids are wired.
Just as it’s important to understand yourself, it’s vital as a parent to understand your children. Parenting experts will say, “You need to parent the child you have, not the child you wish you had.” I spent the first half of my time as a parent pushing against my kids because they are wired differently than me, differently than each other, and just not the quiet, crafty girls I thought I’d have.
My eldest son is an extrovert. He gets his energy from being around people and finds it very hard to separate from the family, such as during bedtime or when I need a break. He is also a verbal processor — I swear this child doesn’t have a single unexpressed thought! From the moment he wakes, he provides a running commentary of his day, and although I love him, this behavior drains me.
His brother, however, is an introvert and an internal processor. He’s happiest in his own world, occupied with his own thoughts, and will drop in to connect occasionally before going back to his own activity.
As a parent, it’s a huge sanity-saver to understand your kids. Like us, they’re not broken, bad, or wrong — just different.
Join the introvert revolution. One email, every Friday. The best introvert articles. Subscribe here.
3. You can’t pour from an empty cup, so set some “rules” to protect your energy.
Once you’ve figured out how you and your children are wired, you can move on to identifying your needs as an introverted parent.
This is a challenge as parents because our role is so sacrificial. Our children and their needs naturally come first, but I believe introverted parents will quickly hit a wall with this mindset. The inherent neediness (especially in the early days) and helplessness of small children can make them draining to be around. Extroverted children, especially, can suck your energy reserves dry.
One of the hardest lessons for me to learn as a parent was that I can’t pour from an empty cup. When I realized that it was absolutely crucial for me to have solitude and time away from my children to recharge in order to be a calm, happy, loving parent, I was able to stop beating myself up for being… well, me.
Likewise, it’s important to understand your kids’ needs so they can feel happy, secure, and able to take on the world.
A great example of this was during the car ride home after collecting my sons from school. This experience was typically filled with tension and conflict as my eldest (the verbal processor) had so many experiences to share about his day, while my youngest (the internal processor) had been connected and stimulated all day and was ready to retreat into his own world for some downtime.
Once I explained to my extroverted son that his introverted brother isn’t ready to listen right after we pick them up, we were able to come up with a plan that involved him inviting his brother into the conversation but stopping the flow if his brother put his hand up to signal he was talked out. This helped tame some of the backseat chaos, which ultimately made car rides less stressful for me.
This touches on my next point…
4. Communicate your introvert needs to your family in a way that makes sense to them.
Once you’ve identified your needs, it’s important to communicate them in a kind and respectful way. This allows people to understand where you’re coming from and respect your boundaries.
I knew my extroverted child might feel rejected if I said I needed time away from him. To explain this in a way that a 5 and 3 year old could understand, I used the battery analogy.
I told my boys that Mommy’s batteries run down when I’m around lots of noise and people, just like the batteries that run down in their toys. The way I recharge my batteries is to have some quiet time by myself in my room. When my batteries are recharged, I can be a happy mommy and ready to spend more time with them.
Don’t forget to let your partner/spouse in on your need for recharge time, too. I have to regularly remind my extroverted husband that we both operate differently in life. When he realizes this fact, he’s able to respect my need for space and quiet and even support me in getting that alone time by being on daddy duty.
I’ve taken the time to write out a list of all the activities that recharge me — most of them are free or very low-cost and don’t take a lot of time, such as going on a walk, reading a good book, or putting on noise-canceling headphones and doing a mindfulness exercise. The key here is to focus on you: Choose activities that really recharge you, not just things that are convenient for your family or partner.
5. Take responsibility for getting your needs met.
Once you’ve gotten a solid understanding of how you’re wired and you’ve communicated your needs to those around you, it’s your responsibility to get those needs met.
I’m going to say that again for the folks in the back: It’s your responsibility to get your needs met. Not your kids’, not your spouse’s, not your friends’. It’s up to you.
This means scheduling time to recharge, even if that’s just 15 minutes per day or 3 x 10-minute blocks. Whatever you can practically manage in your season of life, make it a priority.
I struggled hard with this concept at first because I tend to show up easily for others but flake out on myself. I have to schedule this time for myself or it will be snowballed by some other plan or someone else’s needs. Sometimes this means waking up earlier than everybody else to get some quiet time to plan my day, read, meditate, or write. If you’re not a morning person, you could try a night ritual once the kids are in bed. Do whatever works best for you.
Whatever you choose, make sure you guard that time. Along with scheduling it to make sure it happens, it also means using your time wisely — and not doing meaningless activities that drain you further, like checking social media, or tackling just one more item on your to-do list.
Since following these points, I’ve turned a corner as a parent, a wife, and a woman. When life gets busy or the kids get sick, it’s easy for the wheels to fall off. But the difference in energy, happiness, and my overall wellbeing is remarkable when I take the time to make myself a priority.
And you can do it, too, introvert. I’m (quietly) cheering you on.