The Reason Socializing Drains Introverts More Than Extroverts introverts socializing draining

A young extrovert and introvert walk into a bar (and no, this is not a joke). It’s a Saturday night, and the place is packed. A cover band is crooning away on stage, dozens of people are talking loudly over mugs of beer, and it’s loud.

The extrovert takes in the scene and gets excited. He sees opportunities everywhere — an attractive stranger at the bar, friends he can talk to, and the chance to cut loose and have fun. He walks straight up to his group of friends, slaps one of them a high five, and orders a beer.

The introvert sees the situation differently. He hangs back for a moment, looking around, taking everything in. Then, he walks quietly up to his group of friends and waits for one of them to acknowledge him before he speaks. He feels a bit overwhelmed, drowning in all the noise and activity, but he tells himself to relax — this is supposed to be fun.

And the introvert does have fun for a while. He drinks a beer and catches up with a friend he hadn’t seen since college. He even dances when the band plays his favorite song.

But it doesn’t last. Soon, the introvert grows tired. Not just “I could use a quick catnap” tired, but really tired. His brain has turned to mush. He has trouble spitting out sentences. His whole body feels physically fatigued.

He’s getting an introvert hangover.

He glances over at the extrovert, who is doing shots with a pair of cute blondes he apparently just met. The extrovert doesn’t show any signs of slowing down — in fact, he looks even more energized than when they arrived.

Why do introverts get more drained by socializing than extroverts?

Introverts and Extroverts Are Wired Differently

Of course, this “introvert and extrovert in a bar” example is a generalization. Not every extrovert spends the weekend partying in bars, and sometimes introverts live it up, too. We all act introverted at times and extroverted at others; according to Carl Jung, the founder of analytical psychology, there is no such thing as a “pure” introvert or extrovert. We all fall somewhere on the sliding scale of introversion/extroversion.

And, socializing is actually draining for everyone eventually, according to a recent study. Researchers found that three hours after socializing, participants reported higher levels of fatigue. Surprisingly, these effects were found to be true for both introverts and extroverts. This makes sense, because socializing expends energy — you have to talk, listen, and process what’s being said, among other things.

Nevertheless, there are some very real differences between introverts and extroverts, and these differences come down to how they respond to rewards. Rewards are things like getting the phone number of an attractive stranger, getting promoted at work, or even eating a delicious meal.

According to the experts I spoke with when writing my book, The Secret Lives of Introverts, extroverts have a more active dopamine reward system than introverts. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter, and it helps control the brain’s pleasure and reward centers. Having a more active dopamine reward system means that extroverts get more energized and excited by the possibility of reward than introverts. So, extroverts are more driven to, say, strike up a conversation with a stranger or hang out at the bar until last call.

Of course, introverts care about having relationships, eating, and getting ahead at work, too. But, simply put, introverts just aren’t as interested in pursuing the things that extroverts chase.

Having a less active dopamine reward system also means that introverts may find certain levels of stimulation — like noise and activity — to be punishing and tiring. This explains why the introvert in our bar example had fun for a little while, but felt drained as he became overstimulated.

Is It Bad to Care Less About Rewards?

Introverts don’t seek rewards to the same degree that extroverts do. Is this a bad thing? Not necessarily, in my opinion. We all have that one friend who partied too hard and paid a price. Or the friend who focused so much on getting ahead in life that she became a workaholic, compromising her health and relationships. These are people who chased rewards — hard.

Instead of looking for outside status, introverts tend to turn inward. They research a topic simply for the sheer joy of learning something new. Job-wise, they seek a calling that is more than just a paycheck. They desire depth and intimacy in their relationships, a connection that is mind-to-mind and heart-to-heart.

This isn’t to say that all extroverts are shallow and all introverts are deep. It’s not that black and white. Sometimes extroverts pursue quiet, intrinsically rewarding activities, and sometimes introverts seek status and other external rewards. I’d argue that a healthy, successful life for anyone includes a mix of both the introvert’s way and the extrovert’s way.

When writing my book, I asked introverts to tell me about the things that motivated and energized them. They all mentioned low-key activities, like a solo shopping trip, a meaningful conversation with a friend, finishing a good book, or expressing themselves through art. If it weren’t for the introvert’s less active dopamine reward system, introverts probably wouldn’t be doing these types of activities. The introvert’s way isn’t about chasing rewards, but rather about seeking meaning.

Want to learn more about your quiet temperament? Check out my book, The Secret Lives of Introverts.

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Read this: 21 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You’re an Introvert  retina_favicon1

Image credit: @adamkuylenstierna via Twenty20


  • njguy54 says:

    There’s a bit of a flip side to this as well. Introverts, generally speaking, are comfortable with solitude, with doing things alone, whereas the thought wouldn’t even occur to an extrovert to go out to eat, say, by themselves. As the article mentions, extroverts get a more powerful reward from socializing, but I have a theory — based on years of observing my extroverted friends — that they also feel the stigma of being perceived as alone more sharply than do introverts. Extroverts often think that if they are seen alone, people will think “that person has no friends, he/she must be a real loser.” Some people might think that, but on the whole that’s not true. Plus, just as introverts get drained in social situations, extroverts find solitude exhausting and stressful. Introverts, on the other hand, often prefer being alone enough that any stigma doesn’t bother them, and mature introverts (those who understand their introverted nature) have, as the kids say, no f***s to give.

    • Dukat says:

      The observations you have expressed here is not so clearly defined as introvert / extrovert. For example I am INFJ according to 3-4 tests I’ve taken. I grew up thinking exactly what you have described because I have always been surrounded by extroverts. My parents, brother and sister are all extroverts and the friends I was closest to at school were extroverts and so my entire train of thought up until my 30’s has been that I should hide my wishes of solitude.

      In recent years as I have started to discover an small understanding of what an introvert actually is, i find one of the more difficult things in my life is trying to find a balance for my ENFJ wife. I often feel like I am “bring her down” as her life has adapted to be more closely to my own desires of wanting to have more solitude and less socialising (particularly in groups).

      anyways the point I mean to make is that society expectations (evidently driven predominately by extroverts) looks at stereotypical introverts who seek solitude and alone time as being “losers with no friends”. It’s only recently thanks to global communication that society is starting to realise just how many people are actually introverts and how common it is for people to prefer solitude.

  • Rebecca McNees says:

    Did you consult with an MBTI practitioner when doing this research?? Introversion is in NO WAY about the rewards one seeks and why social interaction is tiresome/draining. I/E is only one of four dichotomies that make up the 16 personality types and there are other factors at play than just I/E. This is simply about how one processes data from the external environment and how one draws energy. Individuals with an introversion preference do extroverted things all the time and you would never know it since it is not a personality trait, but rather a preference. If you did deeper into these preferences, you will see that in Step II MBTI and even III, there are varying degrees of preference and these interact together to influence behaviors, and can even be influences by certain societal and environmental factors.