What Really Causes Social Anxiety — and How We Can Disarm It
Social anxiety is the fear that people will see something bad about you and reject you for it. And lately, mine has been sky-high.
Do you ever dread a social situation that should feel comfortable?
My cousin’s wedding was coming up, and that’s exactly how I felt.
On paper, there was no reason to panic. This was family. These were people who had been with me through every step of my cancer treatment. The bride, my cousin, had battled breast cancer just a year before me — so she certainly understood what I’d been through.
And yet, I felt incredibly anxious.
Sure, I wouldn’t know many people there. But there was more: My body had changed after cancer. I’d gained weight since my surgeries, my hair was growing back in wacky ways after chemotherapy, and I now had a permanent colostomy bag attached to my stomach.
So, yes, I was having trouble finding a dress that made me feel cute.
And it wasn’t just the wedding.
After a neighbor and her kids came over for a cookies-and-dance-party in our living room, my brain spiraled afterward, beating me up for all the awkward things I’d said.
Even getting my nails done before the wedding left me full of anticipatory anxiety, simply because I was seeing a new nail tech at a new nail place. What if she wanted to make small talk for the entirety of the mani-pedi? My regular nail tech was an introvert like me, and she let me relax in the massage chair in peace.
I’ve written about social anxiety before, but lately, mine feels like it’s at an all-time high. As I shared last week, I’m being treated for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after several extremely difficult events, including cancer, domestic abuse, and the sudden death of my dad. My nervous system feels more on edge than ever.
So I wanted to share what I’m learning about social anxiety — what really causes it and how we can begin to disarm it — in case it helps other introverts who might be struggling, too.
Social Anxiety Is More Common Than You Think
Social anxiety is very common, with the vast majority of people reporting that they’ve experienced it at some point in their lives.
The only people who don’t report experiencing social anxiety? Actual psychopaths. Brain-scan studies suggest that social anxiety and psychopathy may sit at opposite ends of the spectrum. In socially anxious people, a region called the frontolimbic circuit tends to be overreactive; in psychopaths, it tends to be unusually quiet.
Social anxiety may be even more common among introverts. Studies have shown that introverts are more likely to experience social anxiety than extroverts, perhaps because our reflective nature can make us more self-conscious or more worried about being judged.
It’s Not All Bad
In her book How to Be Yourself, Ellen Hendriksen defines social anxiety as “the fear that people will see something bad about you and reject you for it.” And whether you’ve felt that fear your whole life or only in certain moments — like introducing yourself in a group — it has a real cost. Social anxiety can hold you back at work, keep relationships from deepening, and leave you feeling miserable and alone.
Social anxiety also tends to run in families. Having a parent with social anxiety disorder increases your chances of having it yourself by four to six times. Social anxiety is also learned. Each time we log on to the virtual meeting exactly at the start time to avoid making small talk, we teach ourselves that people really are just as dangerous as we feared — and we can’t handle it.
It isn’t all bad, though. “A little bit of social anxiety makes us…more aware, more thoughtful, more cognizant,” writes Hendriksen. Evolutionarily speaking, social anxiety has stuck around as a trait in our gene pool because it helps keep social groups running smoothly. It also increases our self-awareness, empathy, and consideration for others.
But what do you do when you’re an introvert whose social anxiety is making you want to fake the flu to get out of a family wedding?
What’s Really Underneath Social Anxiety
We’re often told that social anxiety is mainly about fear. But that’s not the whole story. At its core, social anxiety is about shame.
Hendriksen explains that socially anxious people aren’t really afraid of social situations themselves. What we fear is The Reveal, the moment when other people see our flaws and our worst fear feels confirmed — that something is wrong with us.
No wonder social anxiety makes us want to shrink back, stay home, keep quiet. As Hendriksen writes, “Social anxiety feels like an urge to seek cover.”
How to Disarm Social Anxiety
It often starts with the things we tell ourselves. Hendriksen calls this voice our Inner Critic. Sometimes we’re so used to hearing it that we don’t even notice what it’s saying.
To uncover what your Inner Critic is telling you, Hendriksen suggests filling in the blanks of this sentence:
When I [fill in the situation where I feel anxious], it will become obvious that I am [what my inner critic says is wrong with me].
Naming the thought makes it easier to counteract it.
I wrote, “When I attend my cousin’s wedding, it will become obvious that I am fat and awkward.”
Oof.
Cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT, can help you question negative thoughts about yourself or the situation. One tip that was especially helpful to me was imagining the worst thing that could happen, then asking myself these questions:
- How bad would that really be if it happened?
- What are the odds of that happening?
- How would I cope if the worst came to pass?
This gave me a reality check. The worst that could happen would be that someone would point their finger at me and proclaim, “Wow, you’ve really let yourself go!” But at a wedding, where everyone is busy smiling, mingling, and behaving themselves, the odds of that happening are slim to none.
And even if it did happen, the rude and unreasonable person in that scenario would be the person pointing their finger at a recovering cancer patient — not me. So, really, the shame wouldn’t belong to me.
I would cope by reminding myself that I had survived much harder things than one rude comment.
How I’m Being Kind to Myself
Another thing I’m learning is to show myself compassion instead of beating myself up. I’m reminding myself that it makes sense to feel anxious, given everything I’ve been through. My body has had to survive a lot. Of course it’s on high alert.
But I’m also reminding myself that I don’t have to be perfect to be loved, accepted, or even found attractive.
“Underneath all that anxiety, you’re equipped with everything you need. There’s nothing you need to fake, no image to manufacture. You are enough just as you are,” Hendriksen writes.
I needed to hear that.
And guess what? My nails turned out great — so great, in fact, that I’m planning to make that nail tech my new regular! And after trying on several dresses, I ended up feeling pretty cute at the wedding, scars and all.
Are you an introvert who never knows what to say in social situations? I’ve been there too. That’s why I created Confident Introvert Scripts. These are 150+ ready-to-use phrases for alone time, boundaries, protecting your energy, socializing, and more. I developed the guide with feedback from therapists and fellow introverts to make sure it truly helps.
Introvert, Dear readers can take 40% off using the code CONFIDENCE at checkout.
