What It’s Like Being an Introvert With Social Anxiety

an introvert with social anxiety hides her face

Upset stomach. A heavy weight on your chest. Feeling like you can’t breathe. A constant, unrelenting worry that others think you’re stupid or annoying. The sudden urge to bolt from the crowd. This is what it can be like to be an introvert with social anxiety.

To be clear, both introverts and extroverts can struggle with social anxiety, and not every introvert is anxious. Although they’re often mistaken for each other, introversion and anxiety are not the same thing. Introversion is defined as a preference for “quiet, minimally-stimulating environments,” according to Susan Cain, author of Quiet. Social anxiety disorder, on the other hand, is an “intense anxiety or fear of being judged, negatively evaluated, or rejected in a social or performance situation,” according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. Introversion is a temperament, meaning, introverts were likely born that way and will stay introverts for life. Social anxiety, in contrast, is treatable.

Nevertheless, it’s incredibly common for introverts to find themselves battling some level of social anxiety. It can strike at any social gathering, big or small, and sometimes without rhyme or reason. For example, Josh, an introvert working in retail, told me that social anxiety sometimes forces him to escape to the privacy of the bathroom, when his heart is beating out of control at the thought of having to interact with strangers. Jacqueline, another introvert, said social anxiety strikes when she’s in an unorganized crowd, such as a political rally. The last event she attended induced a breathless panic attack that made her flee the “mass of bodies and people” talking to her.

Social anxiety is the worst.

Why We’re Not Talking About Social Anxiety

Although about 15 million adult Americans suffer from social anxiety disorder, we’re not talking openly about it, because, like most mental health issues, there’s a stigma around it. In our extroverted society that’s obsessed with hyper-friendliness and charm, social anxiety clashes with all that.

And most people who don’t have social anxiety have no idea what it’s truly like. Like many people who struggle with it, I’ve been told to “fake it until you make it” and “just get over it,” which, to this date, have failed to magically cure me.

As a result of being misunderstood, people with social anxiety may blame themselves for their reactions. They wonder why they can’t go out and enjoy socializing like “normal” people. They may suffer in silence, withdrawing from the world more and more, which just makes things worse.

What Introverts With Social Anxiety Wish You Knew

In an effort to bring more awareness to it, I asked introverts with social anxiety to tell me what they wish others knew about their experience. Here are 15 things they told me:

1. “People think I’m overreacting. They say, ‘It’s just a simple presentation,’ but for me, it’s a big deal. Instead of mocking me/us, just EMPATHIZE. It’s not easy being in our situation. Instead, help us boost our self-confidence by saying words of encouragement.” -Assenav

2. “Don’t take it personally. Strike up a conversation and I’ll try to keep my end of it. It’ll take a bit, but I do warm up to talking. Odd, but being with my students is never a problem. Perhaps because in a sense it is scripted, according to the lesson plan.” -Ann

3. “I wish other people knew that it isn’t as easy as ‘just stop it.’” -Bridget

4. “I wish other people knew how much a simple reassurance or kind word means to someone struggling with social anxiety. Put yourself in their shoes and always be kind.” -Angelica

5. “I wish I could tell more people about my social anxiety but I worry that I’ll be labeled as someone with a mental illness.” -Sylvia

6. “If I’m talking fast, it’s because I’m uncomfortable and want to get through the interaction quickly to spare myself discomfort.” -Riley

7. “Forcing me to say something isn’t the way to win me over. I have to feel comfortable contributing to a conversation. Social anxiety feels like you’re about to be persecuted for being yourself.” -Tina

8. “I wish people knew that it is just something that I cannot control. Also, that I’m not crazy.” -Sara

9. “I wish people wouldn’t expect everyone to be perky and outgoing, and I really wish not to be made fun of or ‘pitied’ when I can’t take it anymore and dash out of the room.” -Kris

10. “I wish people knew that my demeanor or lack of engagement and nonverbal signs of avoidance have nothing to do with them. I wish they wouldn’t get personally offended when I’m late or seem uninvolved or aloof. I’m really just dealing with the intense dread and trying not to get overwhelmed and swallowed up by the feelings of impending doom.” -Sara

11. “Just because there are times I come across as very confident and outgoing, it doesn’t mean I don’t struggle inside with anxiety and negative self-talk.” -Melissa

12. “I don’t feel the need to be the center of attention at social events, and ‘working the room’ feels fake and tires me out. I used to get stomach aches and sweats before I went out, and I hated relying on alcohol to let my guard down. Now I just force myself to do events but in short spurts and well-spaced out so I can cope better.” -Amoreena

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13. “It’s not something that just goes away. It takes a lot of energy to fight it, so I may not stay long in the situation. Not just to get away as an introvert, but anxiety can physically cause pain so I leave.” -Hilary

14. “No one can make you snap out of it.” -Amoreena

15. “I wish people knew I had social anxiety. Then I would no longer have to pretend.” -Jane

Let’s make social anxiety something that’s okay to talk about. Let’s stop acting like it doesn’t exist, and accept that it’s a very real part of many people’s lives. Because when we do that, we open the door to more understanding, and help for those who need it most.

Do you struggle with anxiety? To learn more about it, as well as how to manage it, please see the resources below.

More Anxiety Resources

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Jenn Granneman is the founder of IntrovertDear.com and the author of The Secret Lives of Introverts: Inside Our Hidden World. Jenn is a contributor to Psychology Today, HuffPost, Susan Cain’s Quiet Revolution, Upworthy, The Mighty, The Muse, Motherly, and a number of other outlets. She has appeared on the BBC and in Buzzfeed and Glamour magazine. Jenn started Introvert, Dear because she wanted to write about what it was like being an introvert living in an extrovert's world. Now she's on a mission: to let introverts everywhere know it's okay to be who they are.