3 Flirting Tips for Introverted Men

An introverted man flirts with his date

If you’re an introvert and the idea of flirting with a stranger seems terrifying, these methods can make it easier.

If you’re an introverted man looking for love, you probably know how it feels to be overwhelmed and anxious about all the pressures piled on you. Today’s dating culture places the onus on men to initiate conversations, make the first move, and set up dates. 

As an introverted man who might get tongue-tied talking to anyone, the idea of flirting with someone you just met can seem terrifying. You may worry that you’ll run out of things to say, or you’ll put yourself out there — only to be rejected. 

Maybe you’re the “nice guy” who always ends up in the friend zone. Or you’re a people-pleaser, exhausting yourself to make your date happy, only to feel unappreciated and invisible. 

I know how you feel! Though I’m not a man, as an introvert coach and the author of The Irresistible Introvert, I’m very familiar with your challenges. And, after working with hundreds of students and 1:1 dating coaching clients, I’ve noticed certain fears coming up again and again:

  • that you won’t know what to say and things will get awkward
  • that you’ll be rejected because you’re not flirty and “fun” enough
  • that you’re not cut out for a relationship because you need so much alone time

That last fear is one of those sneaky subconscious ones that can keep you out of the dating game for years.

So, how do you overcome these fears and connect with your ideal woman or man?

The secret is to create a new experience for yourself, even if that means getting out of your comfort zone. You see, your ancient “lizard brain” — which refers to the oldest part of the brain, the brain stem — wants to keep you safe by recreating what is familiar to you. This is because this part of your brain is mainly concerned with survival. But if you create a new experience — like approaching someone you find attractive when you typically wouldn’t do this — your brain says, “Hey, I survived that!” and you gradually start to get unstuck. And, practice does make perfect.

So why not gift yourself the experience of actually feeling confident, relaxed, and flirty when you’re around someone you like? Here are some introvert flirting tips to help you do just that.

3 Flirting Tips for Introverted Men

1. Talk about emotional topics, like dreams and passions.

We’ve all been in boring conversations that go nowhere. The truth is that certain topics that are OK as small talk won’t create a flirty, romantic spark in conversation. (Besides, we introverts aren’t fans of small talk anyway!)

I mean, when was the last time you got turned on talking about the weather? No judgment if that’s your thing, but for most, talking about the upcoming snowfall isn’t exactly titillating conversation. The same goes for other everyday topics that don’t involve a more personal or emotional element. 

Instead of talking about weather, TV shows, or the news, shift the conversation to emotional topics, like dreams, motivations, passions, experiences, and feelings. For example:

  • What’s something you’ve always wanted to do? (dreams)
  • What made you want to do that? (motivations)
  • What do you love to do outside work? (passions)
  • What was your last travel adventure? (experiences)
  • How does it feel when you do x? (feelings)

See the difference?

2. Show interest — tell someone you like them without flat-out saying, “I like you.”

We introverts tend to hide our interest in someone. We’re used to keeping our rich inner world of emotions and fantasies to ourselves, or only sharing them with a select few who “get” us and have earned our trust. 

But here’s the thing — we’re not in grade school anymore. Part of flirting is showing that you’re attracted to someone.

Luckily for introverts, there are subtle ways to show your interest, even if you’re shy. If you enjoy someone’s company, let them know how they made you feel by saying something like:

  • “Wow, I feel so comfortable with you. I really feel like I can be myself.”
  • “I have so much fun with you. I feel like a kid.”
  • “I feel good when I’m with you.”

These are all subtle, low-risk ways of saying, “I like you.” (And who doesn’t want to hear that, right?)

And if you haven’t met them in person (yet), there are also ways to clue them in about how you’re feeling. You can show interest via text by sending a playful compliment on one of their recent photos. 

For example, if they shared a cooking photo, you could say something like, “That casserole looks amazing! I’m a sucker for a woman/man who can cook, such a turn-on.” 

Of course, the level of forwardness in the text depends on the nature of your relationship and how long you’ve been interacting. Generally, you can be more forwardly flirtatious with a Tinder match than a Facebook friend you don’t know well yet.

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3. Get curious about what’s most important to them.

People are mainly concerned with having either their thoughts or feelings cherished — or both (ideally). In this case, to “cherish” means to affirm, listen to, and get curious about what is most important to someone.   

This is where your introvert superpowers of intuition and observation come in. Rather than flirting on a superficial level, you create real romance by understanding and affirming what’s most important to the person.

For example, if you’re on a date or chatting online with someone who primarily shares ideas and opinions, they’ll feel more connected to you if you’re genuinely curious and encouraging about their thoughts.

Let’s say they share their thoughts on simulation theory (the proposal that reality is an artificial simulation). Rather than shutting them down or changing the subject, ask them to tell you more — and then truly listen.

On the other hand, if you’re flirting with someone who talks more about relationships and feelings, they’ll expect you to show real empathy and interest in their emotions. 

If they tell you they feel sad, instead of rushing to offer solutions, you might say, “I’m sorry you feel that way. Is there anything in particular that’s been making you feel down?”

When you’re able to cherish a person’s thoughts or feelings, you go beyond mindless banter, which introverts tire of quickly, and create a romantic connection.

Transform Your Love Life from the Inside Out

As an introvert, you probably know that flirting tips alone won’t work if you have subconscious blocks and patterns that push love away. That’s why, over the past couple of years, I’ve been working with new, groundbreaking mental reframes, pattern-shifting techniques, and introvert-specific step-by-steps to transform your love life at a deep level. These advanced methods have been creating rapid shifts in my own life and those of my clients. 

But I have to be honest, it is impossible to do this work on your own. Whether you lean on the guidance of family, friends, therapists, or online mentors who understand you, support is crucial.

If you’re ready to finally get out of a love rut and create massive shifts in your dating life and relationships, I’d love to be your guide!

I work one-on-one with a select few introverts like you to help them get unstuck and open up to love. Spaces are limited, so if you’re interested in working with me closely, here’s what to do next:

  1. Fill out an application for a complimentary 30-minute Breakthrough Session. 
  2. Check your inbox for a response to your application within 48 hours.
  3. During the 30-minute session, we’ll get clear on where you are now and what might be holding you back. 

Along the way, I’ll share insights and steps to move forward. It’s a great way to see if we’re a fit for working together.

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Michaela Chung is an introvert coach and author of The Irresistible Introvert and The Year of The Introvert. Best known for her popular website, Introvert Spring, Michaela has been prolific in sharing her expertise and personal insights on the topic of introversion. Her work has been featured in HuffPost, The Globe and Mail, INC, CBC Radio, and The Chicago Tribune, to name a few.