Why Your Alone Time Isn’t Always Recharging You
There’s good alone time and bad alone time. Here’s how to make the most of your solitude as an introvert.
The other night, I was home alone in my comfy clothes. I made dinner, watched a show, and only interrupted it to scroll mindlessly through social media and answer a few texts. As a single mom to an energetic five-year-old boy, I was exhausted. On the surface, the night seemed relaxing enough.
But by the end of the night, I felt worse, not better. As I got into bed, my mind was heavy with worries about my own life and the state of the world. As much as I wanted to turn off my brain, I couldn’t fall asleep.
As an introvert, this was confusing. Aren’t we supposed to love alone time?
Well, yes. But not all alone time is actually good for us.
Being Alone Is Not the Same as Being Lonely
When I first started writing about personality more than a decade ago, there was a real stigma around being an introvert. Staying home on a Saturday night instead of going out with friends was seen as a bad thing. That’s because Western culture teaches us to view extroversion as the superior personality trait — what Susan Cain calls the extrovert ideal.
Today, with remote work, e-learning, telehealth, delivery services, and more, the world has changed. Americans are actually spending more time alone than ever before. In fact, the number of people living alone has nearly doubled over the past 50 years.
That’s part of why the U.S. surgeon general warned of a loneliness epidemic in 2023, and why some people say we’re living in an anti-social century. On some level, they’re right. Loneliness and isolation are real problems, and chronic loneliness may even cut your life short.
But here’s the important distinction: Being alone is not the same as being lonely.
There’s Such a Thing as Good Solitude
Sometimes being alone feels peaceful, freeing, and energizing. Researchers call this positive solitude. It’s when you relax, reflect, sort through your thoughts, settle your nervous system, and take a break from the pressure of the world. For some people, it can spark creativity or even bring a sense of spiritual connection.
But here’s the key: For solitude to feel good, it has to be chosen.
It isn’t just being alone because you have no other option. In your 30s-50s, life can be especially lonely. You might be juggling work, kids, and aging parents. Friendships can fade during these busy years, which can make life feel surprisingly isolating. Later, retirement or the death of a spouse can shrink your day-to-day social contact even more.
Positive solitude means choosing to take a walk, listen to your favorite music, work on a project you enjoy, or just sit quietly and think. Sometimes you can find a version of solitude even around other people, like reading in a bustling coffee shop or watching a movie in a theater.
This kind of solitude is really good for us. One study found that loneliness was linked to depression, while positive solitude was linked to better mental health. Paradoxically, when alone time feels nourishing, it can make us feel less lonely — even though we’re technically by ourselves.
How to Get the Most Out of Your Alone Time
Since learning that not all solitude is created equal, I’ve changed how I approach my alone time. Here are my science-backed tips:
Choose it on purpose. Solitude feels better when it feels voluntary, not like something life forced on you. Even a short pocket of intentional alone time can feel very different from an evening where you just happen to be by yourself. Reach out to a friend if what you really need is another adult to help you unpack the thoughts bouncing around in your head. Yes, even introverts need people sometimes.
If you do find yourself alone when you’d rather not be, try to reframe it. See it as a chance to reset or come back to yourself. Spending the weekend alone is not proof that your life is terrible or that something is wrong. Research has found that when lonely people think about solitude this way, they’re more likely to feel its emotional benefits.
Keep it simple. Good alone time isn’t necessarily about doing something impressive. It can be as simple as taking a walk, listening to music, journaling, reading, stretching, or just sitting quietly long enough for your mind to settle.
Put your phone in another room for a while. With everything going on in the world lately, it’s way too easy to doomscroll and spiral into anxiety. This is how I nearly ended up buying a bucket with 120 servings of freeze-dried emergency food. Research found that solitude isn’t as good for us when we spend it staring at screens, especially when we’re passively scrolling social media.
If you can, go outside. It doesn’t have to be a huge hike. A short walk around the block or a few quiet minutes on the porch can still give you an emotional boost.
Think in terms of regular little pockets, not some perfect self-care routine. One study found that the benefits of alone time added up. Those who spent more time alone across the span of the study were less stressed overall and felt a greater sense of autonomy.
Of course, getting alone time isn’t always easy, especially when you live with other people. I’ve found that the best way to make it happen is to schedule it and talk about it directly. In my Confident Introvert Scripts, I share ready-to-use phrases to help you ask for alone time, talk about your needs as an introvert, protect your energy, socialize, set boundaries, and more. I created it with feedback from therapists and fellow introverts to make sure it truly helps.
Introvert, Dear readers can get 40% off with the code CONFIDENCE at checkout.
