The Safety Behaviors Holding You Back in Social Situations
When we drop our safety behaviors, socializing feels less exhausting — and for introverts, that’s a big deal.
I checked my phone again. And again. Still… nothing.
I had just made a new friend. We exchanged phone numbers, smiled, and said we should get together soon. Then we went our separate ways, and I never heard from her.
At first, I told myself it was fine. I’m an introvert, after all. I don’t need as much “people time” as more extroverted people do. And she was probably just busy.
But eventually, I realized what was really happening: I was falling back on one of my old safety behaviors. I was waiting for her to send the first text and make the plans.
For me, initiating conversations or plans has always felt risky. It’s like my brain doesn’t believe someone really wants to hang out with me unless they reach out first. It tricks me into thinking they were “just being nice” or that somehow I’m bothering them just by sending a friendly, one-line text.
And lately, those fears have felt stronger than ever. I’m currently being treated for PTSD after surviving cancer and domestic abuse, and I’ve written before about how trauma can make social anxiety harder to ignore.
So I took a deep breath and sent the text. I made the plans. And we had a great time chatting over coffee.
What Are Safety Behaviors?
According to Ellen Hendriksen in her wonderful book, How to Be Yourself, safety behaviors are the actions we take to conceal our perceived flaws. In other words, they are the little things we do to feel emotionally safer in social situations.
For socially anxious introverts, this might look like:
- avoiding eye contact
- staying near the edge of a group
- clinging to someone we know
- over-rehearsing what we’re going to say
- asking lots of questions so the focus stays off us
- leaving the room when we find someone attractive
- throwing back a few beers to take the edge off at a party
- canceling plans at the last minute because the anxiety feels too big
These habits make sense. In the moment, they help us feel hidden or more in control. But the problem is that safety behaviors can keep the fear going, because they stop us from learning that we can handle the situation without them.
They can also send the wrong message to other people. We ask question after question so we don’t have to talk about ourselves, but the other person feels interrogated. We stay quiet so we don’t say the wrong thing, but others think we’re upset or uninterested.
Shy or socially anxious introverts are often mistaken for rude coworkers or aloof friends, when really, we’re just trying to keep the storm inside us contained.
When Safety Behaviors Backfire
Like I said, everything we do sends a message to other people. But when you have social anxiety, it’s easy to forget that. You think you’re disappearing into the background or hiding your awkwardness, but safety behaviors don’t erase us. Instead, they send a message, and often, it’s the exact opposite of the message we want to send.
For many socially anxious people, the big “aha” moment comes when they finally see their safety behaviors from the outside. In one set of studies, researchers Alden and Taylor asked socially anxious people to have a short conversation with someone they didn’t know very well. Some of the participants were told to drop their usual safety behaviors.
“Try not to do the things you normally do to prevent the person from thinking you’re stupid,” the researchers told them. “For example, during the conversation, do nothing to save yourself and do not avoid eye contact. Just think that you want to discover what will happen when you don’t avoid eye contact.”
The results were incredible. The people who dropped their safety behaviors actually appeared less anxious. What’s more, the people they talked to liked them more.
But here’s the best part: The socially anxious participants thought people liked them more because they seemed less anxious, but that wasn’t the real reason. The other people said they liked them because they seemed friendlier, talked more openly, and showed interest in them.
In other words, dropping their safety behaviors didn’t just help them do less of the “bad” stuff. It helped them do more of the good stuff. When they weren’t wasting their energy rehearsing every sentence and managing their facial expressions, something more natural broke through.
And when we act authentically, social situations start to feel less tiring overall — and that’s huge for introverts.
How to Drop Your Safety Behaviors
So how can you drop your safety behaviors and act more authentically in social situations?
You don’t necessarily have to wait until you feel calm first. Instead, try deliberately dropping one safety behavior and shifting your attention outward — to the other person or the task at hand.
Here are some more tips:
1. Name the safety behavior.
“I’m rehearsing every sentence.” “I’m hiding my hands.” “I’m scanning their face for proof that they hate me.” “I’m asking questions only so I don’t have to reveal anything about myself.”
2. Name what it’s supposed to prevent.
“If I talk without rehearsing, I’ll sound stupid.” “If they see how anxious I am, they’ll reject me.” “If there’s a pause in the conversation, it will be unbearable.”
3. Challenge yourself to drop one safety behavior, not your whole coping system at once.
Put your phone away. Say the next sentence before it feels perfect. Let your hands be visible. Stay in the conversation for five more minutes. Or share one small, real opinion instead of saying only what you think they want to hear.
4. Put your attention on something else.
Really listen to what the other person is saying. Notice the room, the task, or the sounds around you. Feel your feet touching the floor or the chair against your back. Ask yourself, “What is this person actually saying, and what am I genuinely curious about?”
5. Let the anxiety be there.
If your voice shakes, your face gets hot, or your mind goes blank, treat that as part of the experiment. The point isn’t to make all signs of anxiety disappear. The point is to teach yourself that you can still have a successful conversation without your safety behavior — and in the end, you’re okay.
When you use safety behaviors, explains Hendriksen, you’re not being your real self. You’re showing people a filtered, carefully edited version of yourself — the version you hope won’t be judged. But the problem is that safety behaviors keep you stuck believing you’re unlikeable or not enough, because you never get the chance to prove those fears wrong.
When you stop trying so hard to protect yourself, you can finally show up more naturally. And when that happens, social situations can feel a whole lot better.
Are you an introvert who never knows what to say in social situations? I’ve been there too. That’s why I created Confident Introvert Scripts. These are 150+ ready-to-use phrases for alone time, boundaries, protecting your energy, socializing, and more. I developed the guide with feedback from therapists and fellow introverts to make sure it truly helps.
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