An Open Letter to Single INFJs

IntrovertDear.com INFJ single letter

Dear fellow INFJ,

I have written about the topic of love and the INFJ personality type quite a bit recently. This letter, however, is dedicated to INFJs who are not currently in a relationship. Being single can be difficult for any personality type. But for INFJs, it can be especially hard, because you crave deep connections with others and have a lot of love to give.

I am familiar with the feeling of being let down because the love you thought you had didn’t work out. Trust me–even though it doesn’t feel like it right now, in the end, everything will be okay. However, this letter isn’t actually about love, at least not in the sense of finding a life partner. This letter is about self-love and the process of self-care.

You, my INFJ friend, try hard. You give and give until you feel you can’t give anymore. You give selflessly because it has never occurred to you to operate in any other way. Because of your generosity, you may have many friends in your life. Yet these friendships aren’t always enough. Your introverted nature can make you feel lonely when you lack the intimacy and romance you crave.


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You do not have a relationship with someone else to focus on at the moment. But you do have something just as important (if not more important) to focus on right now–the relationship you have with yourself.

Being single means you have the time and energy to focus on your own life. It means you can do good things for yourself. So here are five ideas for self-care and growth:

1. Cultivate your friendships.

Having strong friendships will remind you that you are never alone. If you struggle with finding close friends, think about some people in your life who you find interesting.  Reach out to them. INFJs often wait for others to pursue them. But there is nothing wrong with making the first move. Ask someone to grab a coffee and talk for a while. The best way to get to know people is by spending one-on-one time with them.

2. Spend your free time doing things you truly enjoy.

Whatever it is you love doing, go do it. Being in a relationship can sometimes prevent us from spending our free time the way we want because we make compromises for the person we love. Being single gives you the freedom to do whatever you want. Take advantage of your free time. When you do get into a relationship again, you’ll be glad you went on that road trip or took that cooking class. You’ll have more confidence in your own abilities and new, exciting experiences to talk about.

3. Tap into your creative side.

Most INFJs are creative. Now, I know that sitting around watching Netflix all day can be a treat, but it can also lead to feelings of sluggishness. Doing something creative allows you to tap into your own emotions (which we seldom remember to do—we’re often focused on other people’s feelings). It leaves you with the feeling of having done something productive with your time. Start a blog, write a short story, draw a comic, or do whatever unleashes your inner creativity and self-expression.

4. Read more.

I don’t know about you, but I love to read. I always have. Getting lost in a good book is a comfort I can never accurately describe. If you are not a bookworm, try reading online articles that you enjoy or subscribe to a magazine. Reading is a great distraction, but it’s also beneficial for you to learn as much as you can.

Two books I recommend: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking (this will reassure you that as an introvert, your traits are your strengths) and The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (this helped me focus more on the present moment, which is something INFJs often struggle to do).

5. Help someone in need.

This could mean volunteering through a charity or helping someone you know personally. Do you have a friend who needs someone to just listen? Be there for them. The INFJ personality type is nicknamed “the counselor” for a reason. Being there for someone during their time of need is a great reminder that you are needed. INFJs love helping people and giving your time to those who appreciate it can be greatly fulfilling.

We live in a world that romanticizes the idea of relationships. What I have learned is that relationships require a lot of effort. I have also learned that the most important relationship you can work on is the one you have with yourself. My INFJ friends, you must remember to give to yourself the same amount of energy you give to others. If you do not recharge your batteries, how can you possibly be present for anyone? Even when you do get into a relationship, self-care is necessary.

Your introverted ways cause you to love being alone. There will be days when you feel lonely, but they don’t last forever. Who knows if and when you will meet the person of your dreams? What’s more important is that you continue to become the person you have always dreamed of being.

Much love from your INFJ friend,

Amelia

You are terrifying and strange and beautiful. Something not everyone knows how to love. –Warsan Shire

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Read this: 10 Type Secrets of the INFJ Personality Type


  • Wow, I really needed to hear this very thing this week. After ending a relationship with someone who couldn’t give me what I was giving them, I was feeling like maybe I had made the wrong choice. Being INFJ and HSP, the transition from being in a relationship to not is extra hard. This is a great reminder to care for myself, thank you!

  • I really enjoyed this article! It is so so so true. I am in a great relationship now but in a past relationship I didn’t focus on myself enough. I am not having difficulties right now with a romantic relationship but difficulties with friendships. The people who I thought cared for me do not seem interested in my life anymore or making time for me, they want to focus on their lifes. Which is fine, but hard for me because they meant a lot to me! So I need to start focusing on myself again, doing the things that make me happy and hope that I will draw people into my life that are interested in me and want to spend time with me. 🙂

  • Thanks for this! I really needed to hear (er, read) something like this. Especially the bit about tapping into our creative side. I’d like to think I’m doing that with my new manuscript and website projects.

    Just one of the many reasons I love this site.

  • Fenzir

    Very good advice for us all. I love your youtube channel. 🙂

  • Dan

    I am a fellow infj. I would love to talk to you face to face some day. Contact me if you want to grab coffee and chat, ok? If you email me I will yell hooray! (dan13141619@gmail.com)

  • Dan

    I just found out you live really far away. Forget the coffee, we can still email, what do you say?

  • Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU.

  • Infjester

    Just exactly does one open up to others when I so often think others cannot hear me

  • Ruth

    I’ve been trying to do this work already, healing from a bad experience with a narcissist predator who homed in on my ‘weaknesses’, just trying now to learn myself and be patient. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone in this struggle.

  • I loved your articles.
    and all is true
    so precious words dears ..
    I will always remember
    btw , I bursted into tears without knowing it ,
    this touchs the deepest point of my heart ❤

  • sin yunmi

    love the quote!!

  • Hayden Callaway

    “If you do not recharge your batteries, how can you possibly be present for anyone?” I feel this question on a spiritual level…lol. After my routine of working 8 to 10 hours a day, coming home and going on a hour long bike ride, watering my plants, and then eating, all I wanna do is veg out at the computer reading articles online for a couple hours and then get in bed and fall asleep watching a good space/nature documentary. But it’d be wonderful to have someone to hang out and veg out after work with me. I think working 5 instead of 6 days a week and searching for an INFJ loving girl online is the key…

  • Harshitha

    Thanks for the letter amelia. Love you loads ❤