Instructions on Loving an INFJ

instructions on how to love an INFJ

As INFJs, the “extroverted” introverts of the Myers-Briggs world, we are capable of making friends with almost anyone, but it is very seldom we actually feel a close connection to someone. If your INFJ has chosen you, then you can count on them to invest in and nurture the relationship. You are probably already aware of how sensitive, complex, and sometimes mysterious we INFJs can be — but it is exactly that complexity that we desire to share with you. INFJs are looking for a soul-to-soul connection, and in a romantic relationship, they want to know their partner deeply, and be known deeply in return. Once we are comfortable with you, we will hold little back, choosing the raw and real over the superficial any day.

With that said, here are seven ways to show love to an INFJ personality.

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How to Love an INFJ

1. Hugs are important.

Being introverts, we’re typically reserved about showing affection, perhaps even feeling self-conscious about PDA. But once we warm up to you, our true personality comes out, and we can be incredibly cuddly. A great way to show us you love us is by reaching out — literally. Like other introverted types, we retreat into the rich worlds inside our head, so your physical touch brings us back to the present moment. Yes, we need that gentle reminder to come back to reality and be with the one we love.

2. Your encouragement matters.

Being the passionate people we are, we INFJs go after what we want with relentless determination — sometimes to the point of overly ambitious perfectionism. We may work until we exhaust ourselves, and although we act like we have it all together, we often doubt ourselves if things aren’t going the way our meticulous “judging” mind has planned. Having your steadfast encouragement means a great deal to us.

This intense determination transfers over to our relationships as well. If we want you in our life, we will make it known, and we will work to make sure you stay there. The downside is sometimes this leads to us sacrificing too much for a relationship, submerging our needs and preferences for those of our partner. What we ask is that you meet us half way.

3. Remind us to take care of ourselves.

As INFJs, we spend a great deal of time thinking about other people. We observe others carefully, generally read them well, and notice their emotions — even the ones they want to remain hidden. This can leave us with little time to process our own feelings, unless we take time away from other people to get in touch with ourselves again.

For example, when I was younger, I often retreated to my bedroom when I needed time alone to process my thoughts and feelings. My mom noticed this behavior, so she checked on me to make sure I was okay. However, she has always understood that I enjoy spending time alone, and she knows me well enough to know how sensitive I am. Her gentle inquiries reminded me that I was cared for, but she didn’t pressure me to leave the solitude of my room before I was ready. INFJs need this kind of caring from our romantic partner, too.

4. Take an interest in our creative pursuits.

INFJs are creative people to the bone. As I already mentioned, we spend a great deal of time in our head, as our imagination is where we come alive. If we could, we would make the real world as beautiful as the worlds we create in our mind. Taking a genuine interest in our creative pursuits does not go unnoticed by us. If you want to listen to our new favorite record, read our poetry, or walk around an art museum with us, we will relish your interest in our creative inner world.

5. Be honest.

I cannot think of anything an INFJ dislikes more than dishonesty. We crave authenticity in our relationships, no matter how gritty it can get. INFJs have killer intuition and insight into people, so any dishonesty will most likely be evident to us. We may not directly accuse you of lying or covering up your true motive, but we always wish you would tell us the truth about how you feel. Your INFJ thinks the world of you, and I am willing to bet there is little you could do that would make them look at you any differently. So, if you love an INFJ, be honest with them. It will spare both of you a lot of misunderstanding and unnecessary pain.

Do you ever struggle to know what to say?

As an introvert, you actually have the ability to be an amazing conversationalist — even if you’re quiet and hate small talk. To learn how, we recommend this online course from our partner Michaela Chung. Click here to check out the Introvert Conversation Genius course.

6. Appreciate our occasional adventurous side.

INFJs are often misconstrued as very serious people. We may appear calm and reserved to outsiders, but the people who know us best also know how playful and spontaneous we can be. What may seem like an out-of-nowhere road trip to the next state is more often than not a daydream that your INFJ worked hard to transform into reality. You see, our adventurous nature stems from our desire to spend time with the people we love. Being the planners that we are, we will think of new and exciting things to do with you — and then we will make it happen, figuring out everything from the hotel to the sight-seeing to the music we’ll listen to as we drive. Please appreciate the thought we put into an adventure, and hold our hand the whole way there.

7. Be “alone” with us.

Speaking of spending time together, a huge way to love an INFJ is to spend quality time with them. We’re typically okay with being social (although we “extroverted” introverts have our hard limits in terms of energy). But if you really want to see our relationship flourish, get plenty of meaningful one-on-one time with us. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy; a simple night in of meaningful conversation with hands intertwined is ideal. Sneaking away from the world to be “alone” with us is not only romantic, but it also reminds us that you treasure our presence more than anything else. Like any other personality type, INFJs desire being valued for our unique and special qualities. Spending meaningful time together — away from the drumbeat of the social busyness of life — shows the INFJ that they are the most important thing in your world.

Watch carefully, the magic that occurs when you give a person just enough comfort to be themselves. – atticus

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  1. Great post – the kind of thing you want to print out and hand out as a manual to the important people in your life.

  2. This was so helpful, I have a hard time trying to communicate with my husband. I try to express my needs and feelings with him and end up angry and frustrated. I will review this with him and hopefully this will get through to him. Thank You!!!!

  3. Thank you for posting. Makes me feel like someone gets me ?? I wish there was a dating site for personality types that are compatible with your own.

  4. This…This embodies me so much. I…I’m actually crying. I have /never/ felt so understood, thank you so much for posting this. It’s beyond reassuring for me.

  5. How many characteristics does it take to fall under this category. 85-90 % or does it take a 100%?

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