The Truth About the INFJ Door Slam

It’s said that when you deeply wound an INFJ, they don’t hate you, they nothing you. This is the INFJ door slam.

Considered the rarest of all the personality types, INFJs often feel misunderstood. This type is one of 16 identified by the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, a popular personality assessment.

INFJs are known for their deep thinking, creativity, and strong desire to help others. This type makes big, positive changes in the world. Some famous people like Martin Luther King Jr., Mother Teresa, and Nelson Mandela are thought to have been INFJs.

However, there’s a dark side to INFJs that can be surprising. It’s called the INFJ door slam. Suddenly and without warning, the INFJ stops talking to someone. It seems to go against their usual kind and caring nature, which can be confusing for others.

The INFJ door slam raises a lot of questions: What is it exactly, why do INFJs do it, and is it reversible? Let’s explore the truth behind this unusual aspect of the INFJ personality.

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What Is the INFJ Door Slam?

The door slam happens for various reasons. It might occur when an INFJ feels deeply hurt, betrayed, or overwhelmed. It’s a self-protection mechanism. While all personality types might do this to some degree, it’s notably more pronounced for INFJs.

It’s said that when you deeply wound an INFJ, they don’t hate you, they nothing you. This phrase means that when INFJs are really hurt, they don’t get angry or hate the person who hurt them. Instead, they might stop feeling anything at all for that person, becoming emotionally indifferent.

In straightforward situations, like after a romantic breakup or a fallout with a close friend, the door slam might be obvious. An INFJ might sever all contact, including unfollowing or blocking the person on social media, and deliberately avoiding any interactions.

As part of this process, some INFJs might also remove reminders of the person from their life. For example, after a breakup, an INFJ might get rid of items that remind them of their ex-partner, like gifts or notes, to help them move on.

To outsiders, the door slam might seem sudden or extreme. However, for many INFJs, the door slam is usually the result of a long buildup of issues. It’s often a final step taken after a significant incident or conflict pushes them to a breaking point.

The door slam is less about holding a grudge and more about establishing personal boundaries for the INFJ’s well-being.

Speaking of boundaries, do you struggle to set them? Here’s how peace-loving introverts can set better boundaries.

The Emotional Door Slam

Sometimes, INFJs might still have to interact with the person they’ve door-slammed, especially in unavoidable situations like at work or during family gatherings. In these cases, INFJs might engage in what’s called an “emotional door slam.”

An emotional door slam occurs when the INFJ remains polite and civil but significantly limits their emotional engagement with the person. They might stop sharing their personal thoughts and feelings, effectively shielding their inner selves. This is a way for INFJs to protect themselves from further emotional harm. The person on the receiving end might not even realize that they’ve been door-slammed.

Why Do INFJs Slam the Door?

INFJs often resort to a door slam when they’ve been deeply hurt. This happens when they can no longer bear someone’s harmful behavior and do it to shield themselves from more pain.

For example, if an INFJ is in a friendship or romantic relationship where they feel constantly criticized or undervalued, and their efforts to resolve the issues are ignored, they might eventually choose to end the relationship abruptly. This door slam is a way for them to escape the ongoing drama and toxicity.

If an INFJ has shut you out, it likely means they saw no other choice to end the hurt they felt from you. Even if you didn’t intend to cause harm, the pain is still there. INFJs, who tend to be highly sensitive people, require harmony, strong emotional support, and a balanced exchange in relationships.

(Are you a highly sensitive person? Here are 27 “strange” things highly sensitive people do.)

Can the Door Ever Be Opened Again?

Sometimes an INFJ may reopen the door they’ve closed, but other times they may not. What leads to these different outcomes?

For an INFJ to consider reopening the door, they need to feel safe from further harm. This means believing that the other person truly regrets the pain they’ve caused and understands why their actions were harmful. Crucially, the other person must commit to treating the INFJ differently. If these conditions are met, healing and reconciliation may start.

Yet, in some situations, the damage might be too severe for the INFJ to ever want to reopen the door. This is particularly true in relationships with toxic, narcissistic, or overly dependent individuals.

Why do INFJs get trapped in toxic relationships? As sensitive people with a lot of empathy, they are naturally inclined to help others. They may be drawn to the potential in people and want to assist them in personal growth. Sometimes, they might even start relationships with the unconscious aim of “saving” someone.

The door should definitely stay closed if:

The relationship involved any emotional or physical abuse.
Being with the person consistently caused stress, exhaustion, or distress.
The person lied to or exploited the INFJ.

Do you ever struggle to know what to say?

As an introvert, you actually have the ability to be an amazing conversationalist — even if you’re quiet and hate small talk. To learn how, we recommend this online course from our partner Michaela Chung. Click here to check out the Introvert Conversation Genius course.

How Can You Prevent an INFJ Door Slam?

The words you use and how you treat an INFJ are extremely important. INFJs place high importance on feeling that their emotions are acknowledged and valued. Just as all of us seek fairness and respect in our relationships, so do INFJs.

When interacting with an INFJ, be respectful and kind. Consistent respect and kindness are key to making the INFJ feel safe and valued. Do this, and the door will never be slammed.

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