No One Told Me Healing From Trauma Would Feel Like This
Here’s what set me back last week — and how I’m healing my trauma as an introvert who tends to self-isolate.
I thought I was getting better. And then came the triggers.
As I’ve shared in other posts, I was recently diagnosed with PTSD after surviving domestic abuse and stage three colorectal cancer. Like many people with PTSD, I struggled to sleep. I had nightmares. I felt hopeless, constantly on edge, and unable to work, focus, or function.
But after months of therapy and intentionally caring for my mental health, I was beginning to feel more like myself again. I was taking my son to playdates and museums, starting to plan a family trip, and even baking cookies for the neighbors.
Then came the week from hell.
It felt as if the entire week had been designed to drag me back to the starting point and erase every bit of healing I’d fought so hard for.
The Week That Triggered Everything
It started with a colonoscopy, a routine check to make sure the cancer hadn’t come back. Thankfully, everything was clear. But the prep, the procedure, the anesthesia, and the fear that something would go wrong and land me back in the hospital again stirred up those familiar feelings of panic.
And there was more.
That same week, I had to see and interact with my abuser. For years, he has continued his post-separation abuse: stalking and harassing me, preventing me from being paid for a large project we worked on together, weaponizing the court system against me, threatening to try to take away my young son, and more.
Then, by the end of the week, we were burying my dad’s ashes. He had been my biggest supporter, and he died suddenly of a heart attack last summer, right in the middle of my cancer treatment.
So it’s no surprise that, by the end of that week, I was right back in that place of panic, nightmares, and hopelessness.
Why I’m Writing This Post
I’m writing this post for a few reasons.
First, writing helps me process what’s happening to me.
Second, almost everyone I talk to lately seems to be struggling with their mental health in one way or another. And this isn’t just anecdotal: Recent surveys show that Americans are reporting record-low mental health and high levels of stress, loneliness, and disconnection.
Finally, I believe introverts need to be extra careful with their mental health. We may be more likely than extroverts to feel anxious or depressed. And because we often keep so much inside, it can be easy to suffer quietly. You can read more of my thoughts on why mental health matters so much for introverts here.
So let’s talk about trauma, PTSD, and triggers: why they happen and what you can do when they pull you back into a place you thought you’d escaped.
What Trauma Really Is
Many people go through trauma at some point in their lives. After something scary or painful happens, it’s normal to feel stress. But some people, like yours truly, go on to develop PTSD.
Trauma can come from many things. It can come from war, sexual assault, abuse, or a painful or life-threatening medical event. Trauma can also come from less obvious events, like emotional neglect, divorce, job loss, the death of a pet, a loved one’s addiction, or repeated rejection.
A simple way to explain trauma is this: Something happens that is too much for your mind and body to cope with in the moment.
Of course, not everything that feels bad is trauma. And the word “trigger” gets used a lot these days. Sometimes people use it to mean anything that annoys them or makes them upset. People also say things like, “Oh, you’re just triggered,” as a way to brush off someone’s real pain.
But real triggers are different. Sometimes they are obvious, like the anniversary of a traumatic event or going back to the hospital for another cancer check. Other times, they are harder to explain: a certain smell, a season of the year, or someone raising their voice.
Whatever it is, a trigger is tied to past pain or danger, even if the danger is not happening right now. It’s your nervous system saying, “I remember this. This was not safe.”
The Connection Between Introversion and Trauma
Of course, being an introvert does not cause trauma or PTSD. But some research has found that introverts may experience more PTSD symptoms overall. They may also show more internalizing symptoms, like anxiety and depression. Extroversion may offer some protection, perhaps because extroverts are more likely to seek social support and talk about their feelings.
Trauma can also make people pull away from others. It can make socializing feel less safe or less fun, which is something I’ve written about here.
For me, this part has been really hard. As an introvert, I need alone time to feel like myself. But sometimes, my healthy alone time turns into isolation. One of my triggers has become feeling alone and helpless during a medical event, even when it comes to relatively straightforward things like finding transportation for my colonoscopy.
How I’m Healing My Trauma
In his book, Healing Trauma, Dr. Peter Levine explains that trauma is the result of the most powerful survival responses the human body can produce — and that demands respect.
So here’s what I’m doing when I feel triggered.
1. I start with my body.
I’m still learning. But when I felt triggered this week, I started with my body.
Dr. Levine describes trauma as taking us out of our bodies, in a sense. Healing, then, begins with finding our way back in.
So I took slow, deep breaths, the kind that make my stomach rise and fall, not just the upper part of my chest.
I put both feet on the floor, looked around the room, and named what I saw. Grounding helps bring my mind back to the present. My therapist has had me name five things I can see, four things I can feel, three things I can hear, two things I can smell, and one thing I can taste.
2. I don’t judge myself for being unproductive.
Next, I tried not to judge myself for my reaction. I’ve learned that shame can make a trigger feel even worse. Instead of beating myself up for not being able to meet my weekly writing goals, I stopped trying to force myself to be productive. I did something that felt good instead. I made a healthy lunch, watched two episodes of a favorite TV show, and took a walk outside in the sunshine.
I want my mind to heal faster. But I have to remind myself that healing takes time.
3. I made a “safety” list.
Because safety is a big factor for me, I started making a list of the people and activities that make me feel safe. One of those activities is getting my nails done. I’ve never been one of those girlies who constantly has a fresh manicure, but I’m starting to think there’s something healing about it for me. My body has endured a lot of things being done to it during cancer treatment — things that were painful, invasive, and damaging.
Getting my nails done is something positive being done to my body. Something that makes me feel pretty, despite my scars and permanent colostomy.
The night I went to the salon, there was a huge hailstorm. Everyone stopped what they were doing to take videos of it. We were worried about our cars, of course, but there was also something strangely calming about weathering the storm together. Afterward, we helped one another check our cars.
People helped. People cared. And my body needed that.
4. I’m spending time with people who feel safe.
I noticed that some relationships help my body calm down, while others ramp up my anxiety. So I made a point to call — yes, on the phone! — and talk with the people who make me feel safe.
Texting and social media messages just don’t cut it. There’s something regulating about hearing another person’s voice. In his book Supercommunicators, Charles Duhigg explains that when two people have a real, caring conversation, their bodies start to match each other in small ways — their heart rates, breathing, emotions, and even brain activity become more aligned.
In other words, the right conversation with the right person helps regulate our nervous system.
Even better is being with the right person in real life. I also made plans for the coming weekend to get lunch with an acquaintance who has given me a good vibe. Because even though I’m an introvert, I’m learning that there is a lot of power in the right kind of social connection.
5. I’m continuing to work with a therapist.
I see her once a week, and we’re doing Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I highly recommend it!
I have to believe that next week will be better. I have to believe that these horrible feelings won’t last forever. I have to believe that my brain can heal.
And if you are in the same place as me, dear introvert, I believe that you can heal too.
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