I saw a meme recently about INFJs that made me laugh at the truth that it portrayed. It said something like, “An INFJ says, ‘I told you about my favorite color, how much more open do you want me to be?’”
Funny, yes. True, absolutely.
It takes a long time for an INFJ, one of the 16 Myers-Briggs personality types, to open up to the people around them. When I say long, I mean long.
Because of my YouTube channel on INFJs, I get messages from non-INFJs interested in INFJs all the time. And the questions usually go like this:
“I have known this INFJ for two weeks (or two months), and they are still as cold and aloof as before. How long will it take my INFJ to warm up to me and trust me?”
And I think to myself — two weeks! Even two months! It’s never enough. I have known people all my life (my family members, for one), and I still have a hard time trusting them. It takes INFJs a long time to trust people. Unfortunately, that’s just how it is.
You must be thinking — is that it? I just have to resign myself to my INFJ taking eons to trust me?
Well, not really. There are three things INFJs need in order to trust you more, and I will elaborate on those three things in this post. So perk up your ears, my friends. Part of the solution awaits below.
(What’s your personality type? We recommend this free personality assessment.)
What INFJs Need to Open Up to Others
1. Don’t flinch, no matter what your INFJ shares with you.
The thing about INFJs is that we are always testing the people around us to see if we can trust them further. The test usually entails us sharing something crazy and quirky about ourselves with you, and seeing if you flinch. Just don’t flinch, for god’s sake.
The results of those tests we administer usually — okay, almost always — come back negative. I know, I know — you are different. I believe you are as well; at least, I want to believe that, and that’s why I’m telling you now: Your particular INFJ is absolutely testing you right now. In subtle ways, every single day, we test the people around us.
Unfortunately, we end up finding out over and over again that the people around us don’t deserve our trust. It’s not like we want the tests to come back negative. We want the opportunity to trust people. But it just doesn’t work out that way in most cases.
For example, a few years ago, I was staying with a friend for a week, while I was holidaying in her country. I realized that our friendship was even more broken than I had thought previously, so I decided to test her one last time, just to see if she would step up to the plate. She didn’t.
I told her something private about me, something unconventional, but something quite important to me. She balked. She looked shocked and disgusted. It was a tiny test. Nothing major. But she didn’t pass. Believe me, I wanted her to pass, so we could have kept our friendship going.
If your INFJ is sharing something fragile and precious with you, it’s not because we want to shock you and break up our relationship. We are doing it to see if you will accept us for who we are — quirks and all. It’s a test, and I hope you will pass, for your INFJ’s sake.
2. Don’t let your INFJ down, and when you do, give them a proper explanation.
Yes, INFJs tend to be perfectionists with high standards, but we are not monsters. We realize we are not dealing with perfect beings, but with imperfect human beings. And we know we’re imperfect ourselves. We absolutely realize that everyone around us is doing the best they can. That’s all well and good.
But sometimes, their best isn’t up to par.
The problem is, INFJs can be so easy-going that people take advantage of their kindness, forgiveness, and generosity of spirit. People like to push our boundaries. We give a little, and they push a lot. Eventually, we realize enough is enough.
I have noticed this happens quite often in my life. I will ask someone to do something for me. They will fail at the simple task. I will cut them some slack and think, hey, that’s life, things come up, they are human. I will give them another chance — and ask them to do something else. They fail again. Over and over again, four, five, six times, I will ask someone to do something, or to be somewhere at some point for me, and they fail.
After that, I will completely, absolutely give up on them. My trust in them has been shattered, irreparably so.
If you are going to let your INFJ down, you better have a good explanation for it. If you do, we will accept it with an open heart, but try not to repeat the same mistake over and over again. We are kind, but we are definitely not stupid.
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3. Integrity is a trait that INFJs admire and trust very much.
This is something that I recently realized about myself. Not only do I trust and admire people with integrity more than others, but it’s a trait that I want to cultivate in myself as well.
I want to be one of those people whose word is bond. If I say I’m going to do something, I want people to believe it as if it were law. I think INFJs love the idea of being people of integrity — we don’t want to be talkers, but doers.
We also want the people around us to be doers. There are way too many people on this planet who say they are going to go to the gym or change their lives in one way or another, but end up doing nothing.
I distrust those kinds of people so much — I can’t even begin to tell you how much. They could tell me anything, and I would disbelieve them. They could even tell me something simple like, I’m going to the toilet, and I would be thinking, uh-huh, right, you are NOT going to the toilet.
My trust in them has completely disintegrated. If you want to be one of those people that an INFJ trusts and admires, become a person of integrity. Your word should be your bond, whenever humanly possible.
And never make promises to an INFJ that you don’t intend on keeping. That’s the easiest way to lose your INFJ to a door slam.
I hope these three points help you become a person that your INFJ will trust and want to be around for a long time to come. If not forever.
INFJs, what would you add to this list? Let me know in the comments below.
You might like:
- The Surprising Dark Side of the INFJ Personality Type
- What Is the INFJ Door Slam, and Why Do INFJs Do It?
- The INFJ’s Favorite Question
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