Why Introverts and Neurodivergent People Crash — and How to Break the Cycle
I thought I was fine until I showed up to therapy wearing indoor sunglasses and tissue earplugs.
My therapist turned on the overhead light, and I winced.
I had been sitting in the dark wearing a pair of aviator sunglasses that were too big for my face. Small pieces of ripped tissue were wedged in my ears.
“I know I look insane,” I blurted out. “But I’m starting to get a migraine.”
I rarely get migraines. But when I do, light and sound literally hurt. They send jolts of pain through my body, and every bright light or loud word feels like a personal attack against my skull.
My therapist quickly moved us to a darker room. Then she gently asked how I had reached the indoor-sunglasses-and-tissue-earplugs stage of the week.
As I walked her through everything I’d been doing, the answer became clear: I had pushed myself past my limits as a neurodivergent introvert.
Why Neurodivergent Introverts Crash
Maybe you’ve heard people talk about “spoons,” “bandwidth,” or a “social battery.” These are all ways of describing our limited supply of mental, physical, and emotional energy.
I’ve been reading Caroline Maguire’s book, Friendship Skills for Neurodivergent Adults. She explains that part of embracing yourself as a neurodivergent person is learning how to budget these internal resources.
Of course, everyone has limits. Everyone gets tired from socializing, working, and simply dealing with life — which, let’s admit it, is damn exhausting even on a good day. But for those of us who are introverted, neurodivergent, or both, our energy needs and limits look different from other people’s.
When we keep pushing ourselves right up to — and then past — those limits, the result can be more than ordinary tiredness. We may react intensely to things that normally wouldn’t bother us. We may shut down or feel depressed or anxious. Or, like me, we may get a migraine.
All that stress can also make it easier to slip into fight, flight, or freeze mode. And if the stress and exhaustion are unrelenting, you eventually burn out.
If you’re an introvert, you might know a version of this crash as an “introvert hangover,” a term first used on my blog by the brilliant writer Shawna Courter.
If you’re autistic, you may experience something known as “autistic burnout.” In a 2020 study led by Dora Raymaker, autistic burnout was linked to chronic life stress and a lack of support. The researchers described it as “pervasive, long-term exhaustion, loss of function, and reduced tolerance to stimulus.”
That study focused on autistic people, not people with ADHD. Still, if you have ADHD, the physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion it describes probably feels very familiar to you, too.
It certainly felt familiar to me.
How I Pushed Myself Too Far
Since surviving cancer, I’ve been working hard to rebuild my social life. Staring down the possibility of an early death made me realize I wasn’t making enough time for my friends and family.
I’ve also been trying to make up for lost time. Nearly two years of my life were overshadowed by cancer. During that time, my young son and I missed chances to do normal things, like go on playdates or take trips to the zoo.
Now that I’m feeling better, I want to do everything. I want to see people. I want to make happy memories with my son. I want to live the hell out of whatever time I have left.
(Hopefully, that will be a long time — I’ve been cancer-free for seven months. Still, cancer has left me with the nagging feeling that I never really know what’s ahead.)
At the same time, I recently started working on a new book, and I’m trying to pick up the pieces of my writing career. One entire day last week was spent just setting up my Substack.
On top of everything else, I wasn’t taking care of myself. Like many introverted, neurodivergent people, when I get interested in something, I go all in. On the day I worked on my Substack, it was 8 p.m. before I realized I had barely eaten.
By the time I arrived at therapy wearing tissue earplugs, my body had had enough.
Living in a World That Wasn’t Built for Us
Much of our stress, Maguire explains, comes from the daily friction of living in a world that wasn’t built for neurodivergent people.
To others, we may look like we’re functioning just fine. Inside, though, we’re working overtime to filter sensory input, organize our thoughts, regulate our emotions, remember our to-do list, and decode social expectations that may not come naturally to us.
For those of us who have learned to survive by masking or camouflaging parts of ourselves, even an ordinary day can be exhausting.
Without enough rest, the demands of life drain our inner resources. We keep pouring until the cup runs dry.
Before we crash, our bodies usually try to warn us. Light, noise, interruptions, or touch may start to feel more intense. We might become cranky or anxious. We may struggle to think, talk, make decisions, or connect with other people.
Unfortunately, many of us were taught to ignore these signals. From the time we were kids, we were put in social situations where our needs weren’t understood. When we became uncomfortable or overwhelmed, we were told to toughen up, stop whining, or fake it until we made it.
Those messages made the people around us more comfortable, but they did nothing to stop our nervous systems from screaming that something was wrong. Instead, they taught us that our limits were inconvenient — and that we should keep pushing past them.
How to Break the Crash Cycle
My therapist took out a piece of paper and drew two diagrams.
On the left side, she drew a long line between two words:
Work ──────────────▶ Crash
On the right side, she drew a different pattern:
Work ──▶ Break ──▶ Work ──▶ Break
She explained that shorter periods of work followed by breaks can actually make us more productive in the long run.
And “work” doesn’t have to mean paid work. It could be running errands, socializing, parenting, or just getting through the day.
She said to work for about 45 minutes, then take a break.
A break might mean:
- Eating something and drinking water
- Sitting in a dark, quiet room
- Stepping outside for fresh air
- Lying down and closing your eyes
- Spending a few minutes alone
- Stretching or taking a short walk
- Doing something comforting that doesn’t require much thought
The important part is to take the break before you are completely depleted instead of waiting until your body forces you to stop.
Your Energy, Your Rules
The good news is that we’re not kids anymore. We don’t have to put up with every situation we’re placed in. As adults, we have the right to decide how we spend our energy.
We can socialize on our own terms, in ways that feel good. We can rest and recharge in ways that actually work for us instead of forcing ourselves to meet someone else’s idea of what is “normal.”
And we can accept that our responses to certain situations, demands, and triggers are not wrong. They simply are.
Our limits are as much a part of us as our strengths. Having limits doesn’t make you lazy, antisocial, weak, or difficult.
As for me, I spent Friday night alone. On purpose.
My son was with his dad. I ordered pizza from my favorite place. I lay on the couch and watched episodes of a favorite show. Then, when I felt tired, I didn’t fight it. I got into bed at 8:30 p.m.
When I woke up the next morning, I felt better.
The trick for the rest of the weekend would be not to overdo it again. Because apparently, I don’t just need a plan for recovering from a crash.
I need a plan that keeps me from crashing in the first place.
Are you an introvert who never knows what to say in social situations? I’ve been there too. That’s why I created Confident Introvert Scripts. These are 150+ ready-to-use phrases for alone time, boundaries, protecting your energy, socializing, and more. I developed the guide with feedback from therapists and fellow introverts to make sure it truly helps.
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