7 Things Introverts Will Never, Ever Understand

IntrovertDear.com introverts never understand

Although introverts make up 30-50 percent of the population, the introvert’s way is not everyone’s way. Introversion is defined as a preference for calm, low-key environments — and we actually enjoy spending time alone. Often quiet and reflective, we tend to think before we speak and seek meaning in all we do. A few close friends are usually all we need to feel socially fulfilled; we don’t chase fame and popularity.

Because the introvert’s way is not everyone’s way, there are a lot of things that don’t make sense to us introverts. Here are seven of those things. These things may not be true of every introvert, but these topics came up frequently when I interviewed introverts for my book, The Secret Lives of Introverts.

Things Introverts Don’t Understand

1. People who think being alone is boring.

We all know someone who can’t stand being alone. Their nights and weekends are packed with social plans. At work, they’re rarely found at their desk, because they’re almost always hovering over someone else’s, chatting. These people call their friends when they’re driving alone in their car, and even grocery shopping in a crowded store seems too solitary, so they drag their roommate with them. For these oh-so-social butterflies, being alone for an afternoon is the ultimate punishment.

For introverts, it’s the opposite. Being surrounded by people 24/7 is the very definition of hell on earth. It’s not that we hate people; rather, due to our biology, we need downtime in order to create the energy we need to “show up” for our relationships, jobs, and other commitments. It simply does not compute when people say that being alone is boring.

2. Not having enough time to mentally prepare to interact with people.

Recently, I released my book about introverts, and to my horror, I found myself having to talk to people about said book. The first time I was a guest on a podcast, I had exactly two minutes to prepare. I was spending the weekend at my friends’ house (the hosts), and, being extroverts, they woke up one morning and said, “Hey, let’s record an episode! As soon as you finish your coffee.”

Talk to people? Record it? Release that recording to other people? Worst of all, I hadn’t had time to think through my answers to their questions. For introverts like me who struggle with word retrieval, being put on the spot and knowing I’d be judged for it was the ultimate panic-inducer. Somehow, I made it through those terrifying 45 minutes. These days, I feel more comfortable giving “live” appearances — but only after I’ve done my homework.

Like me, many introverts need time to get their public face on. At any given moment, we’re drifting through our inner landscape of thoughts, daydreams, and emotions. Pulling us out of this serene world takes an energetic mental shift. This translates to us balking at sudden invitations to hang out in five minutes, disliking being put on the spot in groups and meetings, and clamming up when having to flirt spontaneously. Because words are hard.

3. Friends who constantly call instead of text.

Seriously, do people still use the phone this way? Yes, yes they do. I have an extroverted friend who I’m trying to train. I text him a question. He calls me. I don’t answer. I text him, “What’s up?” Seeing my text, he calls again. We’re getting nowhere.

I get it, sometimes the phone is the fastest way to communicate a complicated plan or idea to someone. And there’s something reassuring about hearing your loved one’s voice on the other end of the phone, especially when the two of you are separated by distance. But in general, this goes back to that whole “introverts need time to mentally prepare to interact with people” thing. For us, a text is less intrusive than a phone call. It politely waits for a time when we’ve had a few moments to mentally prepare to respond.

4. People who seem to never run out of words.

Have you ever been held captive by a conversation? Of course you have, because we all have that one neighbor or coworker who doesn’t wind down once they’ve wound up. When this happens to me, my mind starts tuning out the actual words and instead starts scanning for a pattern of sounds, trying to pinpoint the exact moment when the person pauses to take a breath. That’s when I say, “Well, I have to get going!” When it comes to marathon talkers, that moment never comes.

We introverts tend to be minimalists with our words, so we have a hard time wrapping our heads around people who have words in abundance. Generally, we only speak when we feel we have something of real value to say. We dislike small talk because it seems inauthentic; we’d rather talk about big ideas or topics that are personally meaningful to us.

5. Choosing quantity over quality when it comes to relationships.

Introverts tend to have small social circles — and we’re okay with that. We’d rather invest our limited social energy into a few meaningful relationships than have an entourage of acquaintances. Depth, not breadth. When someone has enough friends to fill a subway car, introverts don’t get it. Where do these people get the energy to maintain that many relationships? And answer that many phone calls? It makes no sense to us.

6. Purposely calling a lot of attention to yourself — and enjoying it.

In general, introverts will not be the ones hinting to our friends that they should ask the TGI Fridays waiters to sing happy birthday to us. Nor do we dream of having our sweetheart propose to us on the Jumbo-tron at the baseball game for the entire stadium to see. In school, we probably weren’t the class clowns — because who needs all that attention? Sure, we can hold our own in front of a crowd if we have to, but we won’t crave moments like those.

7. Socializing just to pass the time.

An extroverted friend once remarked, “Of course I’m going to the party. What else would I do tonight?” To introverts, this line of thinking doesn’t make sense. There are so many glorious things we can imagine ourselves doing when we have a night to ourselves. Netflix, reading, gaming, internet surfing — you name it. For us, socializing isn’t about alleviating boredom or passing the time. When we do hang out, we usually do it with a purpose in mind — to make a friend, find a date, network, or simply make a connection. If we are just looking for something to do — anything — we have so many other wonderful introverted options. Options that involve takeout, comfy pants, and a good book.

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Image credit: @stefiakti via Twenty20

Jenn Granneman is the founder of IntrovertDear.com and the author of The Secret Lives of Introverts: Inside Our Hidden World. She also cohosts The Introvert, Dear Podcast and blogs for Psychology Today. For most of her life, Jenn felt weird, different, and out of place because of her quiet ways. She writes about introversion because she doesn’t want other introverts to feel the way she did.