Ah, the introvert-introvert relationship. Many introverts have sought it, imagining quiet nights at home with takeout and Netflix. But how do two introverts get together? If neither of them relish going out and talking to strangers, how do they meet in the first place?
Introvert-introvert couples are actually pretty common. When doing research for my upcoming book, The Secret Lives of Introverts: Inside Our Hidden World, I found that about half of the introverts I surveyed who were currently in a relationship were partnered with a fellow introvert. This makes sense, because there are a lot of introverts in the world — we make up 30-50 percent of the population. Plus, being in a relationship with another “quiet type” can be pretty awesome.
Are you in an introvert-introvert relationship? Here are 18 signs that you are. These signs may not apply to every couple (introverts are individuals, after all), but I believe this list is generally true.
Signs You’re in an Introvert-Introvert Relationship
1. You and your partner often find yourselves hanging out in the same room without actually interacting. You’re each involved in your own activity, like reading, surfing the Internet, playing a video game, or drawing. Sometimes, you sit near each other, still doing your own thing, but staying connected in some small way — your feet touch or you hold hands.
2. You find yourself spending a lot of nights at home, as opposed to going to parties and other social events — and you’re both okay with that. On weekends, your favorite “couple” activity is to order food delivery from a favorite restaurant and watch a movie or play a video game together.
3. You try to get your partner to make the phone call to place the delivery order, and your partner does the same thing to you — neither of you wants to talk on the phone. When the delivery person rings the doorbell, you both shout simultaneously, “Can you answer that?”
4. When you do make plans, it’s dangerously easy to talk the other person out of them. That’s because, no matter how good of an idea it seemed at the time to buy the concert tickets or agree to a happy hour with friends, what you both really want on some level is to relax at home. In fact, to actually make it out of the house, one of you probably has to “play the extrovert,” making the plans and motivating the other person to follow through.
5. Despite both being introverts, one partner probably needs more alone time than the other. It can be tricky to “sync” your downtime needs. Likewise, you’re probably both sensitive to different things. For example, one person may be able to tolerate the occasional loud, crowded bar or late night, while for the other, this is too much. It’s a balancing act to get both your needs met.
6. Because both of you like being home, you find that neither of you gets the house to yourself very often. In fact, you’ve made an agreement with each other that one person will, say, go to a coffee shop every Saturday for a few hours to get out of the house, while the other has a standing “friend date” each Thursday.
7. A lot of your conversations revolve around something interesting one of you recently read or heard about in a podcast.
8. Despite both being introverts, one partner is probably more outgoing than the other. As a result of having more social “bandwidth,” this partner may often find themselves having to be the public face of the couple. At times, it can be fun for this person to flex their “extrovert” muscle, but other times, it’s draining.
9. As a couple, you may have a tendency to sweep conflict under the rug. Many introverts shy away from disagreements because they’re overstimulating. Instead, they bottle up their feelings and hope the issue will just go away. Mature introvert-introvert couples know that although these conversations take them out of their comfort zones, they must have them in order to keep their relationship healthy.
10. You both enjoy meaningful conversation. Of course, there will always be some level of small talk (“How was your day?”), but ultimately, you both connect over big ideas and authentic expression.
11. Many introverts loathe online dating and the bar scene, so you and your partner may have met through a mutual acquaintance who recognized that you two would “click” due to your shared interests and temperament.
12. Your first few dates might have been kind of awkward, because introverts tend to need time to open up to new people. However, after warming up to each other, your real personalities came out. Together, the two of you are fun, funny, and maybe even downright quirky.
13. Your home is generally a calm, quiet space. One partner isn’t constantly blasting the TV while talking loudly on the phone. You both value quiet.
14. You may find that in the heat of an argument, you and your partner talk past each other. Rather than really listening to what your partner is saying, you’re both so in your heads about the issue that you miss the other person’s message. Similarly, you both need a lot of time to cool off after an argument, because you find yourselves replaying the fight over and over in your respective minds.
15. Between the two of you, you have just a few close friends — and you’re okay with that. Introverts generally keep their social circles small, because they have limited “people” energy. They prefer quality over quantity when it comes to friendships.
16. You and your partner are both generally interested in the same kinds of activities. For example, on a vacation, you’re both okay with doing low-key things, like taking in a museum or reading on the beach; there isn’t one partner who wants to go out clubbing or dash from one tourist trap to the next.
17. You no longer have to explain your need for alone time — your partner simply understands, and respects it.
18. You’ve finally found someone who truly gets your “weird” introverted ways. Your partner feels like home.
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Read this: 9 Secrets About Dating an Introvert
Learn more: The Secret Lives of Introverts: Inside Our Hidden World, by Jenn Granneman
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