9 Reasons Why You Might Still Be Single as an INFJ Personality Type

IntrovertDear.com INFJ single

Few things are more important to INFJs than having strong, close relationships. This is especially true when it comes to love. INFJs don’t want just anyone — they’re looking for their soulmate, the one person who truly understands them and connects with them on a mental and emotional level. Because of this, INFJs might find themselves single, even after years of looking for love. (Don’t know your personality type? We recommend this free personality test.)

Of course, not all INFJs are looking to get into a romantic relationship. Many INFJs choose to remain single, and that’s perfectly okay. However, if you’re an INFJ who is looking for love, here are 9 reasons why you might still be single. Not all of these reasons will apply to every INFJ, and there may be other reasons why you’re still single that aren’t related to your personality type at all. Nevertheless, I believe this list is generally true:

1. INFJs won’t settle. Like I said, INFJs are looking for their soulmate. It’s not enough that their partner shares a few common interests, is attractive, or is a “good” person. As the rarest of the 16 Myers-Briggs personality types, INFJs usually grow up feeling weird or out of place. They’re different from most people, and they’re highly aware of that fact. What INFJs have been looking for their entire lives is understanding. They crave someone who can truly enter their inner mental and emotional world. Private by nature and often reserved, they don’t share this hidden world easily with others. Their soulmate will be someone who truly connects with them on a deeper level — a coming together of minds, hearts, big ideas, and passions.

2. INFJs tend to avoid making the first move. Conscientious and sensitive, INFJs often worry about burdening others. They don’t send the first text, make the first phone call, or start the conversation because they don’t want to bother anyone. That cute guy sipping coffee and writing in a journal in a bookstore? An INFJ may worry that he or she is annoying him by interrupting him and making small talk. Also, INFJs may feel self-conscious making the first move, or, being introverts, they may simply not know what to say to get the conversation started. Plus, when someone else makes the first move, INFJs know for sure that this person truly wants to be interacting with them. INFJs like to be pursued, not to pursue — this means they’re really, truly wanted.

3. INFJs want someone who can indulge their unique hobbies and interests. Their niche interests may be anything from psychology to new age spirituality to writing or the arts. Because these interests help define them, INFJs want a partner who will share these interests, or, at the very least, indulge them. Also, because of their idealistic nature, INFJs tend to have strong ideas about the way life should be lived. For example, they may have an intense meditation practice, attend church services several times a week, or refuse to buy any products tested on animals. When it comes to love, they crave a partner who shares their values.

4. INFJs don’t do casual. Sure, they may have the occasional one night stand or summer vacation fling, but that’s far from their norm. In fact, in the back of their mind, the INFJ was probably hoping the one night stand would develop into something more. That’s because when they invest in someone, INFJs want the relationship to be lasting and meaningful. It’s said that when an INFJ loves someone, they will love them forever — on some level, even after the relationship is over.

5. INFJs see past facades and fakery. They’re adept at hearing the things that aren’t being said and noticing what others are trying to hide. This means they probably despise all the social rituals that accompany dating, as well as online dating itself. “Shopping” through dating profiles, thinking of cheesy pick-up lines, and making get-to-know-you small talk can seem inauthentic. INFJs are romantics at heart, and they wish they could meet the love of their life in a more natural way. Think: eyes locking across a crowded room or two hands coincidentally reaching for the same book on a bookshelf.

6. As introverts, INFJs probably don’t go out as much as extroverts. They’d rather spend the night having an interesting conversation over wine with a close friend or doing an activity quietly at home — like reading or watching Netflix — than constantly be on the prowl in bars or clubs. This means they may have fewer opportunities to meet people to date.

7. INFJs can attract toxic or emotionally needy people. This happens because INFJs tend to be empathetic, supportive, and “nice.” Likewise, INFJs have a tendency to date people to “save” them, because they feel extremely satisfied when they can help someone by sharing their insights. Unfortunately, this can translate to INFJs choosing people who are not stable, mature, or balanced — and ultimately, these will not be the lasting, satisfying connections INFJs desire.

8. As introverts, INFJs need to feel comfortable with someone before they reveal their true selves. On the first few dates, INFJs may have trouble talking about themselves or letting their amazingly warm, caring personalities out. Unfortunately, in dating, you often have to put yourself out there quickly to make a good impression. An INFJ might appear “closed off,” “too quiet,” or “uninterested” on a first or second date, when really, they just haven’t had time to warm up to the other person.

9. INFJs like to dive deep. They desire intimate, meaningful relationships, but unfortunately, there are a lot of people out there who are content with shallow interactions. Not everyone can engage the deeper aspects of the INFJ’s mind and heart. If you’re an INFJ, you know just how rare it is to meet someone who can.

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Read this: 7 Things You Should Know About the INFJ Door Slam

Learn more: Intimacy and Type: Building Enduring Relationships by Embracing Personality Differences, by Jane Hardy Jones and Ruth G. Sherman  retina_favicon1

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  • Rifqi AR

    Often I see myself analyzing whether relationship with another person will make it or not, will worth it or not – when I realize I might have some spark for them. Imagining I and them in one frame, which issues will happened, also the pros and cons. I think it have correlations with point 2. Of course not all cases – maybe another INFJ just too afraid to make lil moves, etc. But that’s my personal view on myself.

  • SplittingInfinitives

    Everything except number 7 is spot on. I also know if it will work out or not on the second to third date from figuring out patterns. It’s none of the love at first sight mumbo jumbo(not a romantic)..the hunches INFJ’s will get about someone are freakishly accurate. Also wanted to mention the relationship doesn’t have to be forever- they can leave whenever they want. I dislike codependency.

  • SmartAleq

    Apparently an INFJ can be taken in by a malignant narcissist–there’s something about their absolute conviction, their hyperdeveloped ability at gaslighting and their talent at love bombing that short circuits our bullshit detectors. Ask me how I know this. *headdesk*

    • Neo

      You are so right!! It’s so upsetting because we are usually so connected to our BS detectors but their presence somehow disconnects our inner WiFi… why is it like tho?!

    • Hilary M

      I know this too. All too familiar and all too true.

  • Jessica

    I can attest to Number 7 actually.

  • Kat

    The same goes for INFPs 🙂

  • Aaron Haché

    INTP relates!

  • Lisa

    Malignant narcissist? I don’t know who you are Smart Aleq but you made my day already. I had several in my life that I had to do the INFJ cutoff. They were too much and I could not take it anymore.

  • reluctant_participant

    Thanks for the highly accurate and well-written article, Jenn. It’s true that we’re sometimes attracted and attractive to trains heading off the tracks. We may have to deal with some nasty behaviors in our search. But even then I’ve left relationships hating the other’s behavior but recognizing that beneath that toxic stew there’s a person who is worthy of love. It’s important as INFJ’s that we don’t enter a relationship viewing the other person as a ‘project.’ We totally lose our perspective and put aside many of traits of being able to see what a person is about very quickly and accurately. When we have invested time in our ‘project’ and are rewarded with an acid spray we have to accept some of the responsibility. Regarding on-line dating, I recently went all-out INFJ in my profile intro. Really decreased the quantity but increased the quality of the interactions. Again, great article, Jenn and looking forward to more.

    Alone but not lonely,

    Jerry

  • Susie Baranski

    Very well put together, sounds just like me. Glad this reminded me that I don’t have to feel guilty about just being myself and not thinking I have to be more like other people.

  • Dallas

    Wow this describes me so so well!!

  • Rosemarie

    All of these describe me to some extent! I do think that I tend to attract dysfunctional people in my life – never thought it was because I’m an INFJ, though. Thanks for a great article 🙂

  • Bluebelle7

    All of these are spot on. I absolutely hate fakeness and these people who act so kissy to someone’s face and then shred them to bits – and all those people on single sites that ‘already have a perfect life.’

  • sin yunmi

    you got me there, that is why although I might be found someone I like, I still having hard times believing everything he/she said. still craving for somebody who can understand me. don’t know if I can find them though..

  • Michael Wojcik

    Wonderful article!

  • Emac

    #8 is very true, but I don’t feel like it makes me seem uninterested. Because I am almost always interested in hearing other people’s stories. For me it just sets up a situation where I end up getting to know the other person well, but he doesn’t feel that he has to reciprocate since I turn most questions back on him at the start.

    A friend recently said that when she broke up with her last partner, after a long-term dysfunctional relationship, she realized that she needed to start thinking about how she wanted to feel when she was with a partner. One of her main criteria was to feel curious about the person she was with. That made so much sense to me, except I need to feel that the person I’m with is curious about me.

  • AuroraMuse

    Same spot I’m in. Married 16 years. Found out a while ago I was INFJ. Finally got him to take the test, ISFJ. Explains SO much discord. Not sure what to do.

  • Coffee Summerall

    I’m an ENTJ gal recently married to an INFJ guy. It works for us. (I know you are shaking your head in disbelief.)

    #2 – INFJs avoid making the first move.

    My husband practiced for two months before telling me he loved me. Once he got my attention, I realized I loved him too. Now I make the first move 75% of the time. That works for us.

    #3 – We’re both in the same career, so I understand him and share his interests.

    #5 – INFJs want to meet in a natural way.
    We worked together so we got to see each other in many situations.

    #7 – INFJs attract needy people.
    I’m the first woman from a loving family he’s ever dated. But he likes nurturing and has a lot of patience, so even those relationships were long term.

    #9 – Deep Dive.
    I can tell him anything and he gets it and understands.

    He’s passive; I’m assertive.

    He’s calm publicly; I show my frustration.

    He’s quiet and reserved; I’m talkative.

    He’s cautious and suspicious about people’s motives; I’m open and (mostly) trusting.

    He avoids conflict; I want to talk about it.

    He keeps his cards close to the vest; I wear my heart on my sleeve.

    We accept that we are complete opposites, and that makes life fun and fascinating.

  • Bernadette Harris

    Omigod, the “no casual” dating thing is so true. I just can’t do that and I feel pretty annoyed when ppl act like there’s something wrong with me because of it. “You’re young, be wild and carefree!” Like, no XD I’ve never been comfortable with this whole “meeting-people-at-bar” scene that so many millennials are into–or rather, extroverted millennials. Great read, Jenn! Thanks.