Few things are more important to INFJs than having strong, close relationships. This is especially true when it comes to love. INFJs don’t want just anyone — they’re looking for their soulmate, the one person who truly understands them and connects with them on a mental and emotional level. Because of this, INFJs might find themselves single, even after years of looking for love. (Don’t know your personality type? We recommend this free personality test.)
Of course, not all INFJs are looking to get into a romantic relationship. Many INFJs choose to remain single, and that’s perfectly okay. However, if you’re an INFJ who is looking for love, here are 9 reasons why you might still be single. Not all of these reasons will apply to every INFJ, and there may be other reasons why you’re still single that aren’t related to your personality type at all. Nevertheless, I believe this list is generally true:
1. INFJs won’t settle. Like I said, INFJs are looking for their soulmate. It’s not enough that their partner shares a few common interests, is attractive, or is a “good” person. As the rarest of the 16 Myers-Briggs personality types, INFJs usually grow up feeling weird or out of place. They’re different from most people, and they’re highly aware of that fact. What INFJs have been looking for their entire lives is understanding. They crave someone who can truly enter their inner mental and emotional world. Private by nature and often reserved, they don’t share this hidden world easily with others. Their soulmate will be someone who truly connects with them on a deeper level — a coming together of minds, hearts, big ideas, and passions.
2. INFJs tend to avoid making the first move. Conscientious and sensitive, INFJs often worry about burdening others. They don’t send the first text, make the first phone call, or start the conversation because they don’t want to bother anyone. That cute guy sipping coffee and writing in a journal in a bookstore? An INFJ may worry that he or she is annoying him by interrupting him and making small talk. Also, INFJs may feel self-conscious making the first move, or, being introverts, they may simply not know what to say to get the conversation started. Plus, when someone else makes the first move, INFJs know for sure that this person truly wants to be interacting with them. INFJs like to be pursued, not to pursue — this means they’re really, truly wanted.
3. INFJs want someone who can indulge their unique hobbies and interests. Their niche interests may be anything from psychology to new age spirituality to writing or the arts. Because these interests help define them, INFJs want a partner who will share these interests, or, at the very least, indulge them. Also, because of their idealistic nature, INFJs tend to have strong ideas about the way life should be lived. For example, they may have an intense meditation practice, attend church services several times a week, or refuse to buy any products tested on animals. When it comes to love, they crave a partner who shares their values.
4. INFJs don’t do casual. Sure, they may have the occasional one night stand or summer vacation fling, but that’s far from their norm. In fact, in the back of their mind, the INFJ was probably hoping the one night stand would develop into something more. That’s because when they invest in someone, INFJs want the relationship to be lasting and meaningful. It’s said that when an INFJ loves someone, they will love them forever — on some level, even after the relationship is over.
5. INFJs see past facades and fakery. They’re adept at hearing the things that aren’t being said and noticing what others are trying to hide. This means they probably despise all the social rituals that accompany dating, as well as online dating itself. “Shopping” through dating profiles, thinking of cheesy pick-up lines, and making get-to-know-you small talk can seem inauthentic. INFJs are romantics at heart, and they wish they could meet the love of their life in a more natural way. Think: eyes locking across a crowded room or two hands coincidentally reaching for the same book on a bookshelf.
6. As introverts, INFJs probably don’t go out as much as extroverts. They’d rather spend the night having an interesting conversation over wine with a close friend or doing an activity quietly at home — like reading or watching Netflix — than constantly be on the prowl in bars or clubs. This means they may have fewer opportunities to meet people to date.
7. INFJs can attract toxic or emotionally needy people. This happens because INFJs tend to be empathetic, supportive, and “nice.” Likewise, INFJs have a tendency to date people to “save” them, because they feel extremely satisfied when they can help someone by sharing their insights. Unfortunately, this can translate to INFJs choosing people who are not stable, mature, or balanced — and ultimately, these will not be the lasting, satisfying connections INFJs desire.
8. As introverts, INFJs need to feel comfortable with someone before they reveal their true selves. On the first few dates, INFJs may have trouble talking about themselves or letting their amazingly warm, caring personalities out. Unfortunately, in dating, you often have to put yourself out there quickly to make a good impression. An INFJ might appear “closed off,” “too quiet,” or “uninterested” on a first or second date, when really, they just haven’t had time to warm up to the other person.
9. INFJs like to dive deep. They desire intimate, meaningful relationships, but unfortunately, there are a lot of people out there who are content with shallow interactions. Not everyone can engage the deeper aspects of the INFJ’s mind and heart. If you’re an INFJ, you know just how rare it is to meet someone who can.
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Learn more: Intimacy and Type: Building Enduring Relationships by Embracing Personality Differences, by Jane Hardy Jones and Ruth G. Sherman
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