INFJ: 9 Reasons You’re Still Single

a single INFJ personality

INFJs may be introverts, but few things are more important to them than strong, close relationships. They crave deep mental and emotional connections with others; proximity or just a few shared interests won’t cut it. This is especially true when it comes to love and dating. As a result, INFJs can really struggle to find Mr. or Mrs. Right.

Of course, INFJs aren’t the only Myers-Briggs personality type that desires deep connections, and other types can struggle with finding “the one,” too. Nevertheless, it’s a common INFJ experience, and certainly we feel the loneliness of it deeply — as an INFJ myself, I know I have. That’s why, in this post, I want to focus on us introverted-intuitive-feeling-judgers.

(What’s your personality type? We recommend this free personality assessment.)

So, dear INFJ, here are nine reasons you might still be single. (It’s not necessarily a bad thing.)

INFJ: Why You’re Still Single

1. You won’t settle.

Physical attraction is great. So is a sense of humor and shared goals and interests. For some people, these are the makings of a happy romantic relationship. But not so for the INFJ.

INFJs desire to connect deeply with others. Honestly, when it comes to love, they are looking for their soulmate. That doesn’t necessarily mean that INFJs believe in “the one” — or even in soulmates — but they are searching for a highly intimate mental, emotional, and spiritual connection.

They crave someone who they can truly share their inner world with. They crave someone who “gets” them. Someone who captures their secret romantic side and ignites their soaring idealism and imagination.

Being introverts, they don’t share themselves easily with others, and they’re extremely selective about who they let into their life. An INFJ can thrive in life with just one strong connection. So when it comes to love — the most significant relationship many of us experience — INFJs won’t settle for anything less than glorious.

2. You’re waiting for someone else to make the first move.

So, high standards aren’t the only reason INFJs might still be single. This next one has to do with their introverted nature.

Frankly, a lot of us INFJs wait for other people to make the first move. To say the first hello. To send the first text. To arrange the first meet-up.

It’s not that INFJs are timid (okay, sometimes we are — everyone gets scared sometimes!). Rather, we tend to be extremely conscientious and sensitive. We don’t want to burden others. We don’t want to bother anyone, when we ourselves value peace and alone time so much.

It’s true, we INFJs like to be pursued. That way, we know we’re really, truly wanted. But sometimes that means we don’t make a move when we should.


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3. You want someone who can talk your interests.

INFJs are queens and kings of niche interests. Psychology to new age spirituality to writing or the arts. Because these interests help define us, we want a partner who can talk them.

Okay, we might not find someone who reads as much experimental fanfiction as we do. Or who writes it. But it goes a long way if our partner can meet us on our preferred intellectual playing field. This means they likely share many of our needs and values. And it means things will never get dull.

4. You don’t do casual.

INFJs taking dating seriously — sometimes too seriously (I’ve been there). As a result, we rarely do casual. One night stands and short-term flings? Probably not. INFJs always want to be building toward something. What’s the point if it’s going nowhere?

5. You see past facades and fakery.

Which is a really big deal in today’s dating world. Apps and online sites make it so easy to sneak around or pretend to be someone you’re not.

This is a superpower of the INFJ. They hear the things that aren’t said and notice the things that others are trying to hide. They read body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions with jaw-dropping accuracy. Sure, they’re not always 100% right, but trust me, you wouldn’t want to put it to a test. They know when someone’s lying or is holding something back — and this disqualifies a lot of potential relationship candidates.

6. Let’s be honest, you like spending time alone.

INFJs are called “extroverted introverts.” They get mistaken for extroverts all the time because they are truly fascinated by people and care deeply about them. Many INFJs, after years of studying these peculiar creatures called “humans,” have developed excellent social skills.

Nevertheless, INFJs are true introverts who love spending time alone. And when you’d rather be home reading a book than out at bars and parties, you meet fewer people.

7. Sometimes toxic and manipulative assholes find you.

INFJs are nice. Like, really nice. Sometimes their niceness causes problems for them.

People who are toxic, narcissistic, manipulative, psychopathic, or just plain assholes look for those of us who are nice. Okay, not always consciously, but at least subconsciously they know they can get what they want from us (again, I’ve been there). We say yes when we should say no. We let something slide when we should speak up.

(Why do INFJs get entangled in codependent relationships in particular? And why do they stay when others would have run? Here’s why.)

Dear INFJ, you might still be single simply because you’ve met some bad people. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with slamming the door on these relationships.

8. You need extra time to feel comfortable around someone.

I’m not a great “first date” person. I’m willing to bet that many INFJs are the same.

Even though we care deeply about others — and we desire deep connections — and we love intimate conversations — INFJs are private individuals. Like, extremely private. We let very few people in on our thought processes and emotions. We rarely say what’s on our mind. What you see is just the tip of the iceberg sticking out of the water; there’s so much more lurking beneath.

As a result, we can come across as closed off or quiet, sometimes even “disinterested” or “bored.” We need time for our real, true, quirky personalities to come out. And this can be a death sentence to first dates.

Yes, almost all introverts do this to some extent. What I’m saying is, INFJs are no exception, despite being “extroverted introverts.”

Really, we just need time to warm up to the other person. Until then, that’s where those learned INFJ social skills can come in handy. It can also help to be honest: “I’m an introvert, so I need extra time to open up, but I promise it’ll be worth it.”

9. You dive deep.

Let’s face it: most people you meet are not going to be deep-divers.

Sometimes those people who take life at face value can be refreshing to the heady INFJ. When you meet someone who makes you feel like that, cling to them.

But more likely, you will want someone who engages with the deeper aspects of life. Arts. Current events. Creativity. Societal problems. Personal struggles. Black holes. The big picture. What it all means. There’s nothing snooty about seeking someone who connects with your mind as much as your heart.

Dear INFJ, I know dating can be hard, especially for emotional, sensitive introverts. I’m rooting for you. 

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Jenn Granneman is the founder of IntrovertDear.com and the author of The Secret Lives of Introverts: Inside Our Hidden World. Jenn is a contributor to Psychology Today, HuffPost, Susan Cain’s Quiet Revolution, Upworthy, The Mighty, The Muse, Motherly, and a number of other outlets. She has appeared on the BBC and in Buzzfeed and Glamour magazine. Jenn started Introvert, Dear because she wanted to write about what it was like being an introvert living in an extrovert's world. Now she's on a mission: to let introverts everywhere know it's okay to be who they are.