Dating another introvert can mean finally finding someone who matches your energy levels and respects your needs.
I recently started dating a fellow introvert after being in a relationship with an extrovert. They say opposites attract, but I don’t always find that true when it comes to personality traits like extroversion and introversion. One of the foundations of a strong romantic relationship is a basic understanding of a person’s primary needs, and I’ve found that a lot of my needs are better understood by someone who operates similarly.
Of course, all relationships are different, and there are a lot of happy introvert-extrovert couples out there. But personally, I believe it’s amazing to date another introvert. Here’s why.
Why Dating a Fellow Introvert Is Incredible
1. A lot of your date nights involve takeout and binge watching.
After a long week, the last thing most introverts want to do is get dressed up and go to a crowded club or bar. When we were together, my extroverted ex wanted to go out literally every Friday — and it was utterly exhausting. He didn’t appreciate my very real introvert need to unwind in the comfort of my home.
My new introverted boyfriend is more than happy to stay in. Dating a fellow “quiet one” means they completely understand needing to wind down after a long day. They’re more than content to order a pizza and watch eight episodes of The Office — even if it’s date night.
2. They intuitively understand your need for alone time.
Another introvert tends to be more understanding of the boundaries that you set when it comes to alone time. They know that solitude is crucial to your energy reserves and mental health — and that, paradoxically, time spent apart ultimately makes your relationship healthier and more satisfying.
My extroverted ex and I would fight when I asked for space. My need for downtime was offensive to him, and when I asked for it, he couldn’t shake the idea that he had done something wrong. My introverted boyfriend understands why I need my alone time — and he is happy that he gets alone time, too. He doesn’t get annoyed if I don’t reply to his text message until three hours later because I’m tucked away in my bedroom, enjoying some “me” time.
3. Commiserating with each other is therapeutic.
My introverted boyfriend is the one I text when a coworker does something that bothers me. He can always make me smile or laugh over the situation. He’s empathetic and gives words of encouragement about these situations — because he’s been through many of them himself — something my extroverted ex was never able to do.
Commiserating with a fellow introvert is pretty damn therapeutic. They understand what it’s like when you’re overshadowed by an extrovert, or when someone insists on small talking with you when you’re just trying to catch a few moments of peace. Plus, getting to talk about these hassles is a bonding experience that can bring the two of you closer together.
4. They’re ready to leave the party when you are.
Each introvert is different, but if there’s one thing we “quiet ones” have in common, it’s that we can only take so much social stimulation before feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. Staying at a party — or any place there’s more than two people — for too long may even make us feel anxious or physically unwell (a.k.a. the awful introvert hangover).
When I tell my introvert that it’s time for me to leave, he’s more than happy to agree. Chances are he wanted to leave 10 minutes ago but was being polite. My extroverted ex always wanted to stay and socialize, because he was the life of the party. It caused a lot of tension between us, and it’s SO nice not to have that tension anymore.
5. Your conversations are on point from the beginning.
My boyfriend and I met on a dating app. We ended up talking the entire day we met, and then went on an in-person date later that night. We clicked right away because, being two introverts, we were able to have conversations about deeper, intellectual topics from the get-go.
It’s no secret that introverts despise small talk. It’s draining and feels fake to us. Looking back, the conversations I had with my ex were a lot different in the early stages. They were all small-talky and often tiring. It took me a while to know if I even had a connection with him, because I could feel exhausted just talking to him about basic things, like my work or my family.
Even as my relationship with my ex progressed, I still didn’t feel like he was able to connect with me on a deeper level. So now, with my introverted boyfriend, it’s incredible to have that ongoing level of emotional connection.
6. They’re great listeners.
Early in our relationship, I found myself thanking my introverted boyfriend for actually listening to me. He would just smile and say, “That’s what I’m good at.” It took me a while to understand why I was thanking him: I felt like my extroverted ex didn’t take my problems seriously. He seemed bored by my issues, and would often change the subject or even try to talk over me. He would try to give me advice when I just wanted someone to listen and understand.
I’m not saying that extroverts can’t be good listeners, but at least with the ones I’ve met, it’s not their primary mode. With a fellow introvert, listening seems to come naturally, and it’s nice having someone who can actively listen, because it makes me feel appreciated, which ultimately strengthens our relationship.
7. Sitting in quiet is okay with them.
My extroverted ex always wanted some type of noise in the background, whether it was the TV or simply him tapping on the table. He didn’t feel comfortable just sitting there with me. He would always have to be talking or making some sort of joke. He also repeatedly made uncomfortable comments about me being so quiet, as if this criticism was supposed to draw me out.
It was draining for me because it overstimulated me. With my introverted boyfriend, it’s not this way at all. We feel relaxed in silence, and it’s quite comfortable. He understands how draining it is to be constantly stimulated, and he does not need to fill the room with noise 24/7. It makes for a far more peaceful environment and cuts back on relationship stress.
8. They respect your wellbeing.
Extroverts have different needs that contribute to their wellbeing, such as needing more “social time” than introverts. A lot of times, because our modes of operating are so different, extroverts don’t respect the factors that contribute to introverts’ overall mental and emotional health. For example, my extroverted ex didn’t respect my need to process my feelings alone or take extra time before speaking or making decisions. With my introverted boyfriend, I get a sense of peace just knowing that he respects my total wellbeing.
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9. They don’t take your time together for granted.
Dating an introvert means they know you have limited social energy and need to be selective about who you spend your time with. As a result, my introverted boyfriend cherishes our time together and doesn’t take it for granted.
On the other hand, sometimes my extroverted ex was flippant about the time I gave him. He didn’t appreciate when I pushed myself to hang out with him — because I knew it would make him happy — even when I felt over-spent.
Our relationship is still new, but I have yet to feel over-spent when I’m with my introverted boyfriend. He’s respectful of my time and therefore is respectful of me.
I feel loved and appreciated by my introverted boyfriend in a way that I didn’t feel with my extroverted ex. If you’re an introvert who has struggled to find the right partner, consider dating a fellow introvert. You might finally find someone who matches your energy levels and respects your needs.
Are you an introvert who shuts down around the people you’re attracted to?
As an introvert, you actually have the amazing ability to be irresistible, without forcing yourself to talk more. It all starts with recognizing the most common myths about dating and learning a framework for fun, flirty conversations — no extroversion needed. To learn how to connect with your true sensuality, relax, and open up on dates, we recommend Michaela Chung’s online courses for introverted men and introverted women.