5 Things INFJs Wish You Understood About Them

Being misunderstood is one of the most frustrating parts of being an INFJ personality type. We can easily understand other people’s emotions and intentions. We can see through facades, fakery, and superficiality. So why can’t they understand us?

Here are five things we wish other people understood about us:

1. We are complex and intense. Not just anyone can handle all that we are and can give to the world. We are deep thinkers who have all the feels, but most people want to stay in the shallow end of the pool. You cannot understand our depth of knowledge about things we shouldn’t even know about, our life experiences, our ability to see things that you do not, if you never leave the shore. Understanding us is not easily achieved and must be done in layers as once we start to trust you, we will give you pieces of the puzzle. But if we doubt your authenticity, we will retreat and possibly never return.

The more trust you earn by showing us who you are (and if we deem you worthy), the more we will reveal to you over time. This can only be achieved on a one-on-one basis. We do not open up in front of groups, and you can only get the honor of how deep our love and passions can go if we are extremely close to you. Getting to know an INFJ may prove difficult, but we are well worth the attempts to do so. You will never have a more loyal friend.

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2. People make a lot of wrong assumptions about us. I’ve only met one other person who made the correct “assumptions” about me—and that is my Army buddy, an ESTJ. I’m not sure if it is her personality type or because we had similar childhood experiences, but she understands me well. Most people get me wrong—even my own family makes incorrect assumptions about me! So please, rather than assuming, ask us questions. INFJs are complex, intense, and rare. We are never going to fit into some box that others create for us. You cannot cage an INFJ or their passions, dreams, complexities, and kindness. We must be allowed to be who we were created to be. Even if you never understand us—you cannot contain us, so please don’t try.

3. We understand your emotions without you having to say anything. If we care about you, we desire to understand every facet of who you are. Our dominant and auxiliary functions of Introverted Intuition and Extroverted Feeling help us do this. We are always searching for the deeper meaning in everything—and everyone we care about. We want to know the pain, the suffering, and the ugly parts you don’t show to everyone else. We want to see your soul and help you heal. We want to help you find deeper meaning in your emotions, and come to terms with the difficult parts of yourself that you’ve discovered, because we want you to become the person you are meant to be. We understand your struggles and emotions without you ever speaking a word. If we trust your kindness, in return, we will open up to you–even if you don’t understand us.

4. How you mean something might not be how we receive it. Yeah, we have tough days when we wish we could give away our Extroverted Feeling and just not feel so much. However, not having our emotional sensitivity would diminish who we are, and we cannot have that. Being sensitive is one of our superpowers. We are empathic bad asses and we are proud of that. This cold and harsh world needs more healers and kind-hearted souls. So, don’t try to shame us into being something we’re not.

Because of our sensitivity, how you say or do something may sometimes be received by your INFJ in a way that you did not see coming. Maybe you hit a trigger or questioned our morals in a way that made us retreat. There is often so much going on inside the mind of an INFJ that sometimes even we don’t understand our reactions. Once we have had time to process our thoughts and realize the deeper reason behind why we reacted the way we did, we can attempt to help you understand.

However, if you continually do things that are thoughtless, narcissistic, or cruel, we will withdraw and never return. INFJs consider this to be a form of self-preservation. So be careful with your words and intentions, because we have an uncanny sense about who is for us and who is against us—even if it takes some time to figure out.

5. Understanding you is how we show affection, so when you attempt to understand us, we feel loved. If you want your INFJ to feel loved and appreciated, show us that you care by attempting to understand us. Understanding is deeper than knowledge to an INFJ, and we will love you more for trying. INFJs feel like “old souls” with deep emotions. Often our caring, emotional nature has been mistreated or abused. For an INFJ, there is nothing more uplifting and freeing than feeling understood—especially from someone we care about. We often feel that we don’t belong here on this planet because we feel so different from others. So, letting us know that you get us—even if it is just a small part of us—is huge.  

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Read this: 10 Type Secrets of the INFJ Personality Type


  • RG says:

    Thank you so much for the incorrect assumptions part. I have struggled with people being quick to think that they have me all figured out, when they get it wrong. I am disappointed when even friends and family members guess me wrong. I know it’s not their fault, but it helps us INFJ’s when you ask instead of assuming.

  • Bonni Funk says:

    Spot on!

  • Matt says:

    I wish…

  • Wow! This hit my nail right on the head.

  • Chelsea says:

    I find it interesting that you mention your ESTJ friend understood you as I am an INFJ and my boyfriend is actually an ESTJ! I always thought it was weird that we ended up vibing so well because it seems as though we wouldn’t be meant to so that’s a cool coincidence 🙂

  • This is so me! I think I’m falling in love with a friend of mine and I just want to tell him everything about me, my past, my feelings… Because some days ago he noticed I was sad and he went up to me and asked the reason why and told me I could tell him what was wrong with no problems, and I felt so happy and relieved… He really understands me and I’m so glad we are close friends.

  • jobyars says:

    I think that has a lot to do with the cognitive functions. You’re a feeler, and he is a thinker. But he also has Extroverted Thinking (Te) which is very logical and can help keep you grounded when you are in emotional overwhelm. The best part of an ESTJ – they truly are your opposite as their cognitive functions are the complete opposite of ours. 🙂

    Introverted Intuition
    Extroverted Feeling
    Introverted Thinking
    Extroverted Sensing

    Extroverted Thinking
    Introverted Sensing
    Extroverted Intuition
    Introverted Feeling

  • Nessie says:

    I’ve lost more than two friends whom I’ve considered very dear to me and I thought I was even a bit important to them. Losing friends, especially those you consider close to you is a pain directly in your heart, no matter the reasons for the loss. But sometimes we have to know when it’s time to just let some people go because not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever, as hard as that sounds. And some people, no matter how much we love them, do more harm to our souls and beings than good. And such toxic effects should be avoided at all costs.

  • Irene Robinson says:

    The annoying acronyms that are only known by a small group of people are so annoying that the whole point of the article gets lost! I’m tired of looking up acronym meanings, that often can’t even be found, thrown around like Halloween candy corn by bloggers like you.