Romantic relationships can be interesting for us INFJs. Our standards? They’re high. Our self-esteem? It’s (often) low. Our appetite for love? It’s growing in abundance by the minute.
Fortunately (most of the time), I get to call myself one of these statistically-rare, lovesick creatures — and so does my significant other. Dating a fellow INFJ was not something I ever really considered “in the cards” for me; it seemed so unlikely given how few of us there are.
(What’s your personality type? Take a free personality assessment.)
But here I am, in love with a man who understands me all too well, and even though I love him for way more than his four-letter code, I’ll admit that having those characteristics in common makes for a uniquely happy relationship, in more ways than one:
1. We openly share our dreams and ideas about the future.
An INFJ in any relationship is probably more prone to analyzing future outcomes and potential obstacles than almost any other personality type. At first, it may seem like doubling up on this cognitive function, called Introverted Intuition, would create more problems than solutions.
However, it also fosters an environment in which two romantically-involved INFJs can talk about how they imagine aspects of their relationship playing out, as well as share their own unique visions for the future, and not risk feeling misunderstood. Entering a serious relationship for a couple of the INFJ-INFJ sort tends to mean fantasizing about the wonderful things a healthy relationship might lead to and looking to the future as a source for answers or motivation to get through rough patches.
2. We have a deep appreciation for and desire to be involved in each other’s hobbies and interests.
My partner and I met on a volunteer service trip, before which we were complete strangers, and during which we formed a special kind of bond over something we hold near and dear to our hearts. But volunteering is one of the few hobbies the two of us have in common. By the time we met, we each had our own set of interests, as well as our own group of friends. On top of that, we both prefer to stay busy, so we don’t often show up in the same place at the same time on purpose.
But thanks to our personality type, we’re naturally driven to immerse ourselves in the hobbies and obligations that make each other the individuals we are, and we’re really good at finding ways to make the other person feel as involved in those things as possible.
3. We engage in deep, meaningful conversations as a couple on a regular basis.
Intuitive in nature, my partner and I are turned off by small talk and tend to gravitate toward subjects of heavier substance that stimulate outside-of-the-box thought. That said, it can be difficult to elicit discussions of this sort with just anyone, even the people closest to us. When I spend time with my INFJ partner, I am guaranteed a space where my preference for abstract ideas and theoretical discussions are not only appreciated, but also fueled by his imaginative, intellectual point of view. At the end of a long day at work in a predominately extroverted environment, I especially look forward to bonding with him in this way; his INFJ brain is my INFJ medicine.
4. Our strong inclination to meet each other’s needs creates a healthy balance of give and take.
Thanks to our auxiliary function of Extroverted Feeling (Fe), my INFJ partner and I have a knack for taking into account the emotional needs of others. A common story told by many INFJs is one of unfulfilling, one-sided relationships, which is caused primarily by their willingness to listen and unwillingness to share. The capacity to please others with much less focus on one’s personal desires is a feeling with which I strongly empathize.
But I’ve learned that a lot of that comes from within and not from the way we’re actually being treated by others. I am well aware that Fe types are not the only types who are giving and genuinely caring (my ISTJ mother has sacrificed and provided more for me in my life than I could ever repay her for). That said, my habits of overusing the word “yes” and coming across as a pushover have only deepened my appreciation for my INFJ significant other, who, without thinking twice, seeks to fulfill my needs just as often as I do his.
5. We don’t judge each other for being old souls and hopeless romantics.
It’s rare that, as an INFJ, I come across another person who understands (much less shares) my love for wisdom and craving for connection. Expressing these shyer sides of my personality to someone who embodies the same uncommon outlook is one of the most rewarding parts of being in a relationship with another INFJ.
Parties and oversharing on social media don’t appeal to me nearly as much as long walks around town and pouring freshly pressed coffee into a brand new mug. While these likes and dislikes are more popular among 50-somethings than 20-somethings — and while voicing them comes across as melodramatic to most people my age — my INFJ partner never criticizes the things in which I find great pleasure. In fact, he sits cross-legged next to me on the couch, mug in hand, and says, “Me, too.”
6. We respect each other’s need for alone time.
At the end of the day, as much as my partner and I care for each other and love spending time together, we are both introverts who thrive in quiet environments that allow us to spend time in our own heads and focus on our individual goals. Even though all eight types of introverts have this requirement in common, INFJs, as “extroverted introverts,” tend to spend their non-alone time around other people of ranging personality types, some of whom view them as very outgoing and energetic, thanks again to their Fe auxiliary function.
Due to our habit of disguising ourselves as extroverts, quiet time is particularly necessary. I’m fortunate to be in a romantic relationship with someone who experiences this same oddity and understands in a very real way just how important it is to take some time to recharge our introvert batteries.
After all, we INFJs rely most heavily on our intuition to steer us in the direction of happiness, truth, fulfillment, and, of course, love.
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Read this: 12 Things INFJs Absolutely Need to Be Happy
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