A Married Introvert’s Advice to Single Introverts Looking for Love

Finding someone who “gets” you as an introvert might take more effort, but when you finally find them, that effort will be worth it.

One of my favorite things to do with my best friend is to sit on the couch, pour a glass of wine, and indulge in the types of deep conversations we introverts are famous for having.

Historically, these conversations turned to whatever problems we were each facing in our lives — my friend would advise me on how to navigate tricky work situations, while she often confided in me about her love life.

She’d lament her status as a single introvert, saying, “I’m going to die alone!” She’d moan (only half-joking) as she told me about her experiences on the dating apps and regaled me with stories about the bad first dates she’d been on lately. She’d often ask me for my input on how to navigate tricky situations with the guys she was talking to: Was she being too picky? Was it worth following up with that one guy? Did I think that thing this other guy said was a red flag?

As a happily married introvert, I’m no expert on today’s dating scene, and I admittedly didn’t always know how to best advise my friend. But what I can tell you is what I’ve learned from being in a long-term-relationship-turned-marriage for the past 10 years.

This is the advice I often gave my friend when she came to me for suggestions on how to navigate her search for love, and now I want to share it with any other single introvert who may be longing for a relationship. So, get comfy on your couch, fix yourself your favorite beverage, and take any tips that resonate with you (and leave the ones that don’t).

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5 Dating Tips for Single Introverts

1. Romanticize your life.

I know, I know — you’ve probably heard this one before, and if you’ve been single for a long time, you’re probably tired of hearing it (I can practically see my friend rolling her eyes as I type this). But hear me out.

It’s true that you never know when you’ll find that connection you’ve been looking for. It often happens unexpectedly and out of the blue. While it might be hard to imagine right now, once you are in a serious, committed relationship, you might miss the luxury of answering to no one and being completely independent.

After all, we introverts need our alone time — and if you enter into a serious, long-term relationship (especially if you live together or get married), that alone time is harder to come by. So, take advantage of it while you can, and try to enjoy the single life as much as possible.

Also, take this time to get to know yourself better. Use your introverted gift of introspection to get really clear on who you are and what you want in a future partner — as well as your goals and aspirations outside of a relationship. Fall in love with yourself first, and “romanticize your life,” as my friend would say.

You can also use this time to work toward the goals you have for yourself, focus on your hobbies, nurture deeper friendships, and practice self-care and self-improvement. Of course, in the right relationship, you’ll still be able to do all of these things — but you’ll also have to balance them with the mental and emotional energy it takes to make a relationship successful.

Don’t get me wrong — it’s a great and worthwhile allocation of those resources. But as an introvert with limited wells of energy, you might be surprised at how much less time you’ll have for yourself when you’re in a relationship.

Plus, you don’t want to spend all of your time wishing away this phase of your life. Don’t forget to enjoy where you are currently.

2. Learn when to compromise.

The thing about being in a long-term relationship is that you have to compromise. Intertwining your life with another person’s habits and routines isn’t easy. And if you’ve been single for a while, you might be very attached to your routines (even if you don’t consciously realize it).

Stay flexible and practice compromising when you can. As much as my friend wanted a relationship, I noticed she could also be quick to shut down when a guy she’d been interested in started making requests to spend more time with her. Eventually, she realized that she was being too rigid with her time and needed to compromise if she wanted to give herself a fair chance at developing a deeper connection with someone.

In a marriage or long-term relationship, you have to be willing to let certain things go — and dating is a great time to practice that. Fortunately, introverts often excel at self-awareness, so use that strength to catch yourself if you’ve become a little too stuck in your ways. It’s good to mix things up now and then!

Are you an introvert who shuts down around the people you’re attracted to?

As an introvert, you actually have the amazing ability to be irresistible, without forcing yourself to talk more. It all starts with recognizing the most common myths about dating and learning a framework for fun, flirty conversations — no extroversion needed. To learn how to connect with your true sensuality, relax, and open up on dates, we recommend Michaela Chung’s online courses for introverted men and introverted women.

3. Know your worth.

On the other hand, it’s important to know your boundaries and when not to compromise them. This is a pep talk I’ve given my best friend many times, and I wholeheartedly believe that it applies to any introvert who may be doubting themselves after a string of bad dates: Remember, you are amazing, and you have so much to offer. Be proud of yourself. After all, we introverts bring so many incredible strengths to our relationships. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel like you are lacking or can’t be yourself when you’re with them. If they do, that’s a red flag that you shouldn’t ignore!

Also, know your non-negotiables in a relationship and stick by them. Maintain that strong foundation, because it will serve you well into any relationship you enter into (and beyond). Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t “get” you or who tries to change you — and don’t think for a second that you have to change your introverted nature or act extroverted to find someone who appreciates you.

You may have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince (or princess), but trust that your person is out there.

4. Find meaning elsewhere, because a relationship does not define you.

I think that it’s easy for us to fixate on what we don’t have. I know that when you want something badly enough, it can become an obsession — something you can’t stop thinking about, no matter how hard you might try to distract yourself. (Plus, we introverts are experts at overthinking!)

When my husband and I decided to buy a house, for example, I became completely preoccupied with thoughts of when and how we were going to make it happen. It was the only thing I could think about. And while life was good and I really had nothing to complain about, I found myself feeling unhappy. I caught myself thinking, “Well, when we get a house, then I’ll finally be happy,” or, “If we just had more space, all of these problems would be solved…”

But this type of thinking is dangerous, especially when it applies to relationships. It’s important not to attach too much meaning or value to any one aspect of your life. Don’t let your relationship status become an obsession that impacts your ability to be happy in the here-and-now.

This is true once you’re in a relationship, too. The healthiest relationships are those where each partner is an individual with their own sense of identity — their own strengths, weaknesses, interests, and opinions. If you put too much stock in your relationship, or start to define yourself by your relationship status, you might lose sight of the amazing individual you are.

5. Stay positive, for our thoughts have tremendous power.

While I’ve been with my husband for years, I know how hard it can be to make meaningful new connections as an introvert. I’ve often struggled to make friends, and I’ve cringed along with my introverted friends and family members as they’ve described all of the bad first dates they’ve suffered through. But as difficult as it might be, I think it’s really important to try as hard as you can to maintain a positive outlook.

“I’m going to die alone!” became a common refrain from my friend as she relayed her dating horror stories to me. And while it started as a joke, I think the more she repeated it, the more she started to believe it.

Our thoughts have tremendous power. When you catch yourself getting stuck in a negative thought pattern, redirect your focus to more positive thoughts. Trust that a relationship will happen when it’s meant to happen. Keep putting yourself out there. Finding someone who “gets” you as an introvert might take more effort, but when you finally find them, that effort will be worth it.

As for my friend, I’m happy to report that she finally found a great guy who treats her right, seems to understand her, and respects her needs as an introvert. TBD if they’ll stay together forever or not — but either way, I’d like to think the above advice helped her in some small way. I hope it does the same for you.

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