5 Things Single INFJs Are Sick of Hearing

IntrovertDear.com single INFJ

When it comes to relationships, INFJs can really struggle. Although some of us may reject the idea that we’re always on the lookout for a long-term, committed relationship, deep down it’s probably the truth. We are prone to long bouts of loneliness since we have difficulty trusting other people with our inner selves, and we find it difficult to initiate relationships because of our introversion. However, we can make fantastic partners for the right person.

If, like me, you are a young INFJ, you may never have experienced a serious relationship. Also, like me, if you have family and friends who fail to comprehend the whole MBTI personality thing, your lack of serious relationships may come under much scrutiny, and said family and friends may insist on giving you unsolicited advice. If, again like me, you are sick of hearing these comments, then please know that you are not alone.

Here are five things single INFJs are tired of hearing:

1. “You should go out more.”

And, by “go out,” they undoubtedly mean go out clubbing.

I understand the logic behind this comment. Young people are expected to go clubbing. It’s normal. But reality check: I’m not “normal.” INFJs are the rarest personality type. But I do understand why people think that saying this makes sense. Going out increases your chances of meeting new people, which therefore increases your chances of finding a significant other.

However, this theory goes against the INFJ’s nature. We’re introverts, ambiverts at best, so going out often doesn’t appeal to us. And it’s unlikely that we’ll attract our soul mate if it’s clear we’re not having a good time.

But, even more importantly, many of us are unlikely to find a worthwhile partner, let alone a soul mate, amongst the group of fun-loving extroverts we’re likely to come across by rocking up to a club on a Saturday night. An INFJ looking for a soul mate in that sort of environment is like a hunter looking for a whale in the desert. Even if someone caught our eye and we somehow plucked up the courage to say hi, we’re likely to give up when we realize that the music is so loud that our potential lover can’t hear what we’re saying.

Our family and friends might be better off suggesting a trip to a coffee shop or book store.

2. “You should try online dating.”

Again, this suggestion sounds logical. At first, it seems like a great idea. I can talk to people online. I’d have time to think through what I want to say. It could really work out well.

But then my online match would suggest that we meet in person and a whole world of problems would be unleashed. Although I’ve been myself online, it’s not the self that interacts with strangers. That self is shy and awkward and has absolutely nothing interesting to say, if anything at all. As an INFJ, I’m good with words on paper, but, in person, not so much.

3. “You just haven’t met the right person yet.”

The problem with this comment — and I could be alone in this, but I’m pretty sure I’m not — is that I don’t believe there is one right person for anyone. I don’t believe in soul mates or perfect partners. Instead, I believe that some people are simply better for me than others.

Someone once gave me the brilliant idea of taking a personality test from the perspective of my dream partner and, when I did, the result I got was ENFJ. Basically, I want someone who is like myself but with much more confidence and better social skills.

Of course, in the real world, it’s hard to limit yourself to one sort of person, and it’s even harder to find the exact sort of person you’re looking for, unless you want to run up to attractive people and ask them if they’re ENFJ. However, by doing the test, I might find it easier to know if a person I’ve met is right for me in the long term. My time and energy are precious to me and I’d like my frog-kissing experiences to stay at a minimum. If I’m going to spend a lot of time and energy on a relationship, I want to know that my partner is a prince, not just another frog.

4. “Stop looking for Mr. Right and he’ll magically come along.”

A big difficulty for the single INFJ is that we are always craving and looking for love. We are constantly scanning for and eliminating targets, even when we don’t mean to be. This can become exhausting. So, well-meaning family and friends tell us to completely give up on love altogether. Stop looking for a relationship and then, magically, one will fall into your lap.

In reality, our best chance of finding love is probably allowing it to develop from a close friendship. This way, we’ve already developed the trust and we’re not putting pressure on ourselves or our potential suitor. But this, too, is difficult because the attraction is likely to make us nervous — especially if we’re “just friends.” Plus, INFJs are overthinkers, so we’d have to find a way of tricking our own brains into believing that we don’t actually want to be in a relationship, even when we do.

5. “You’ve never been in a relationship, so don’t pretend to know what it’s like.”

Now, this one is the worst. And there are two ways of saying it.

The first comes from people who love you — your close friends and family. They don’t mean to sound harsh, but it feels very condescending and you might hold a grudge against them for it. And, of course, you’ll never be able to tell them that it has upset you because you can’t find the right words. So they’ll probably never realize they’ve said anything wrong. At best, they might notice that you’re in “one of your moods.”

The second way of saying it is the one that really punches you in the gut. It comes rarely and from people who barely know you and whose opinions shouldn’t matter to you — except that you’re INFJ so of course they do.

The person who said this to me is my younger sister’s boyfriend. Clearly my sister told him about me and my predicament. And, by predicament, I mean my relationship status. The fact that it has absolutely nothing to do with him doesn’t seem to come up in her thought process or, indeed, in his. Yet he decided to bring up my lack of relationships during an argument between my sister and me, to which he was a witness.

My sister is an INTJ personality type. She possesses the INTJ weaknesses of arrogance and passing judgements on others. She downright refuses to take my advice on board if she knows I haven’t experienced the exact same situation myself. She ignores my INFJ ability to put myself in another person’s shoes and instead brushes my opinions off as irrelevant. And that is exactly what was happening when her boyfriend decided to get involved.

Contrary to her opinion, I think that the complete opposite of what people say to me is true. I know all too well what it’s like to be in a relationship. I can feel it every time I watch someone fall in love and every time it all shatters to the ground.

And maybe that’s why I’m a single INFJ. But at least I know who I am and what I’m looking for.

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  • Fantastic writing, Tia. All your points ring true for me. And I’ve heard No. 1 all my life.

  • wow that was beautiful to read. Apart from number 5 (I’ve been in a relationship before) I felt that I could have wrote all of this. Most of these points I’ve said myself to close friends. INFJ’s constantly look for that intense emotional connection and find it a massive challenge to ever find it. Clubs and bars are definitely not the best place to find that special someone but online dating feels so inauthentic and personally I think it’s an even worse experience form ale INFJ’s who are expected to be the ones to make all the moves. It’s a heart breaking experience that leaves you with heavily diminished self-esteem. No matter what, the dating world will always be a tricky labyrinth for INFJ’s to navigate through unless you first build your confidence up through socializing. You just have to find the right type of socializing with the right people.

  • Emmet Woods says:

    Hi tia, when I read this it resounded allot with me. There are slight differences with me since Im actually a male infj and I’m even younger than you, but your completely right about the pressure for young people to be in a relationship and how it can especially hurt from your close friends and family. With me sometimes I try to defend myself against criticism but I end up saying something hurtfull back because Like an Infj I can get really defensive of my motives and stuff. So I have just learned to shut up and never talk to my family about that kind of stuff. But Im lucky to have found a friend who allways listens and is genuinely interested in what im feeling, he’s actually like 50 but he’s like the dad that my dad never was.
    My parents divorced when I was younger but I had a long time to see what a badly chosen marriage mate can do to people. And I’m determined not to give into the same “settling” attitude because I would rather be alone for the rest of my life reading than being with someone who doesnt love me as much as I love them.

  • I’m an INFJ and board games help me a lot in socializing. It still feels wonderful to think that I can muster up my courage to attend a board game event without really knowing anybody. I kept showing up and made meaningful relationships until now.

  • Lex Nexis says:

    Wow, most of these points resonate with me, except for being in a relationship. Even down to analyzing almost every person of the opposite sex that I know, and how good (or bad) of a match they’d be. I agree with the point that was mentioned in the comments, that its harder for men who are INFJ’s. Meeting that social standard that men are suppose to be assertive and make the first move is nearly impossible.

  • Everett Hall says:

    I am an INFJ man, 32 years old. Presenting myself and meeting women in social situations is difficult and embarrassing for me. The two times when I attempted to interact with women at dance halls, I pushed past my shyness and fear of failure to mingle nonetheless. I couldn’t have a meaningful conversation with the partner due to the loud music, not to mention that i don’t know how to dance anyway. Without impressive dance moves, my average appearance is unlikely to attract a woman viewer. I don’t believe in competition for mates among a pool of prospects, and i don’t have patience or tenacity to advertise myself in the dating scene. If there is a gal ideally suited for me, I would rather her be brought to me, versus spending my time gathering courage to face rejection and meeting superficial women.

  • Capt'n Kyra says:

    As an INTJ female I can relate to a lot of the points you’ve made. I’ve heard all of the phrases. For me 3 is the worst. Because I am getting older with every passing day. When is the right person supposed to come along? Can I even fall in love? For a long time I believed in it, I hoped for it desperately. Now I try to focus on something else. I want to be happy and all this searching and longing really makes it difficult for me to enjoy my life. Now I focus on the things that make me happy. My books, music, studying, nature, my friends and my family. I stopped searching because it seemed illogical at some point (I am an INTJ after all). And no, Mr. Right hasn’t magically appeared. Maybe he will, maybe not. But if he does appear it will be more like a nice surprise. This kind of thinking took a huge amount of pressure from me.

  • Kat says:

    I am INFP, female, 34 years old. I can relate to most of this. I was dating someone for six years and ended up totally exhausted because I was giving it all but not getting much back. Since age 29, I have been single because all the men I met.. well, the only deep interest they showed was in my body which is no go for me. There were times when I was terribly lonely because I also crave for a deep connections which is something I am missing in my life. But then I reminded myself that it is better to stay single than to go through the same pit-of-despair relationship. Now I am more focused on myself, on my own happiness, personal development and dreams and all the deep love I am capable of, I am giving it to myself.

    Do not let all this to make you feel bad (the good thing about getting older is that they will stop with those remarks at some point), focus on yourself and use all your INFJ strength to make the world the brighter place for you. Eventually, your light will attract people to you. I am much older than you but I still believe that it will happen for me so why not for you? Afterall, there are people like us out there in happy relationships 🙂

    Greetings to beautiful England and I keep my fingers crossed for you!

  • Chad says:

    I feel like this is more of a “What Every Single Introverted Female is Sick of Hearing”. I see the ties you made to being an INFJ… but this applies to most single, introverted millennials, not just INFJs.

  • Daniel says:

    I always hear letting a friendship develop into something more as the way to go, and I do believe it is. However, that always seems to end up with the woman telling me she only sees me as a friend. It’s a weird dichotomy

  • Thank you very much, Alex! I’m glad you can relate!

  • That’s fair enough, Chad. I didn’t want to speak for all introverts since there’s a lot more of them and we’re all very different, but I’m glad that a lot of other personality types are relating to this, not just INFJs!

  • Catricia Miller says:

    Recommend changing the phrase “at best, ambiverts”. I get that it’s a colloquial phrase but it gives the impression that introverts are not “best”.

  • Ashleigh says:

    This was wonderful, and I felt every point and explanation keenly. I’m embracing being an INFJ for the past year, and these words were like a punch to the gut and to the heart. I couldn’t have written this any better and have it ring so true. You captured the exasperation and the loneliness that weighs me down, the want to be more than I am capable of sometimes being. A Great expression of INFJ thoughts; I will definitely be recommending this for others…if I ever find another INFJ in person.

  • Same here. Apparently, I’m not normal.

  • Nicole says:

    I’m 29 years old, single and an INFJ. I’ve never been in a relationship and I constantly wonder if something is wrong with me or if I’ll ever be able to be in a “normal” relationship. I hate bars/clubs, I’ve tried online dating multiple times and it has been a horrible experience, and am so tired of hearing that the “right” one will come along when I stop looking. Great article. Thank you!

  • Henry says:

    Great article!
    There shoult be something like
    “0. The following five points only apply when your peers/family/etc. oversee your private life or think something is very wrong with you and you should not have relationships in the first place”
    Then I could actually relate 🙂

    When i read this and relate it to myself, i wonder how much of this an absolute for INFJs because it also seems to be a lot of people-pleasing – meaning to search after validation from other people; searching for people who “need” us. Wanting a deep connection whilst beeing difficult to get to know may also an indicator for lack of self-esteem: it allows to controll others.
    The key to overcome these odds and the mentions above lies in ones integrity. Beeing and staying honest to yourself is everything!

  • NARI.J says:




    Oh my goodness. It’s like looking into a mirror for the soul. Thank you!

  • Nessie says:

    I’ve never been in a relationship because from a point and on I stopped flirting or even trying to be flirty/”relationship able”. But regardless of these, I despise it when relatives or even friends decide to assume what I need or want, when they haven’t even made a single honest effort to really know me. I hate it when people feel like they have the right to intervene in my life and just randomly give ”advices” about how I should live it. I have no tolerance for such things, nor do I ever feel inclined to explain to them why I don’t do relationships or excuse myself for that. Simple.

  • Brenda Filan says:

    I really liked this post.
    People always say to us find someone… Is no easy sometimes ?