10 Things Introverts Wish Were Real in Order to Escape Social Situations

One of these fictitious things could be an introvert’s saving grace to escape a social situation. If only…

Are you an introvert who has found themselves in the midst of a social situation, whether by choice or by obligation? Does the thought of continuing with this circumstance fill you to the brim with existential communal dread? Could you use a lifeline to rescue you from these potential awkward social encounters?

One of these fictitious things could really be your saving grace — your hop, skip, and a jump away from whichever situation is currently fueling your social anxiety hives. You know, if these things actually existed. Sigh. Please think of sad trombone sounds as you read along.

10 Things Introverts Wish Were Real in Order to Escape Social Situations

1. An invisibility cloak

An invisibility cloak isn’t just for Harry Potter or studious types who want to sneak into the restricted section of the library. (Although who wouldn’t be totally down to do that?) Sneaking in the restricted section means you will be totally alone and free to read in peace.

But, also, an invisibility cloak would be super useful whenever an introvert runs into an old acquaintance — or a friend of a friend — who they can recognize, but can’t remember their name. (Of course, you’ll remember it much later, when it’s too late.)

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2. The neuralyzer from Men In Black

It may seem extreme to condone erasing someone’s memory, but for an introvert, it may seem necessary in certain social situations. For example, if a room full of people were to “forget” that you knocked over a cheese platter at an awards ceremony and scrambled on all fours, like one of those truffle-hunting dogs, to frantically pick up all the wasted cheddar… well, I’m sure you wouldn’t be opposed to zapping their brains for a quick sec.

3. Clifford the Big Red Dog

Imagine attending a party where the only person you know is the person that brought you there. Now imagine that person leaves the room for a few minutes. Thinking of conversation-starters — other than the weather — can cause us introverts to white-knuckle our beverages and grip the snack dish like it’s a life raft. (Plus, as you know, we hate small talk.)

However, if Clifford the Big Red Dog were to suddenly appear in the window, then you would have a million things to talk about. Like, “Holy hell, are you seeing this?” See? Easy convo-starter!

4. Inspector Gadget’s coat

The worst part about talking to people is when an uncomfortable topic comes up, like politics, COVID-19, or the aforementioned awkward conversation-starters (like the weather). Usually, an introvert may grit their teeth into a non-confrontational smile and wait for the topic to change.

But their preferred response would be to leap out of the nearest window, inflate their trench coat, and float to safety — just like Inspector Gadget. Even better, if the Gadget Chopper existed, they could fly out of the room via their hat helicopter. An introvert can dream…

5. The TARDIS

We all think embarrassing (or ill-timed) thoughts now and then, and some of those thoughts are accidentally spoken out loud. If you said the wrong thing in a work meeting when put on the spot, for instance, you’ll feel like hiding out in the bathroom until the end of the day (or until your mouth catches on fire, whichever comes first).

Although, if you could hop on a TARDIS and go back in time, then you could avoid your Freudian slip altogether.

6. Narnia

It’s a real deer-in-the-headlights situation when an introvert is approached by a stranger with a clipboard. An introvert might not want to risk looking like a complete jerk when a petitioner asks them if they “have a minute” to discuss unethical animal testing. At the same time, however, you probably don’t have the social bandwidth to chat with a stranger.

So, it would be fantastic if, at the first sight of a clipboard, an old wardrobe appeared out of thin air and transported you to Narnia. Who’s with me?

7. Mrs. Frizzle and the Magic School Bus

Ugh, job interviews are the worst, especially when you’re asked to provide a list of references. It’s painful for an introvert to ask previous employers (or anyone) for a favor.

On the other hand, it would be a piece of cake if you could list Mrs. Frizzle and the students of Walkerville Elementary to serve as your professional references. They could share your adventures — traveling through digestive systems and insect habitats — to provide proof of your capability to perform the duties of any job.

8. Mary Poppins’ bag

If an introvert gets tricked into attending a large group event, like a cult meeting or a Slayer concert, having a quiet, calm space nearby is essential. If you had access to Mary Poppins’ bag, then you would have an unlimited amount of resources at hand.

For instance, perhaps you could pull out a shipping container, tent, or shed that would serve as a much-needed social retreat (your very own introvert sanctuary). At the very least, you could try jumping into the bag and see if that transports you back to the comfort of your bedroom and the haven that it is. Right?!

9. A universal remote, like the one from Click

When trapped in the middle of a conversation that never seems to end, you might find yourself racking your brain for a plausible excuse to end the conversation. But, in doing so, you might worry about coming across as rude.

However, the remote control from Adam Sandler’s seminal classic, Click, would certainly do the trick. Without appearing rude, you could fast-forward through the unwanted conversation and skip ahead to the part where the speaker finally walks away… and then you can continue to eat your sandwich alone, like you prefer.

10. The Lochness Monster

One day, you walk into your home, exhausted after a long day of being around people, and you find your home packed with friends and family yelling, “Surprise!” It is your birthday, and you don’t know how to escape from this frightful scene.

If only you had a special someone tucked away in your closet, imported directly from Scotland: The Lochness Monster. Sure, Nessie would tear up your house, eat a few guests, and use up all your bathwater. But, she would be a wonderful distraction that would cause your uninvited guests to flee immediately, never to return unannounced again.

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