If you’re an introvert who suffers from social anxiety, you can lessen it by mindfully fixing “thinking errors.”
I’m a counselor, and many of the introverts I see come to me because of social anxiety. Some of the clients I see have diagnosable anxiety disorders, but those who don’t aren’t suffering any less. When I say anxiety, I mean “an emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts, and physical changes like increased blood pressure,” according to the American Psychological Association.
Anxiety can come in many forms and have many different causes, but in this article, I’d like to focus on social anxiety. First, let’s take a look at the major signs of social anxiety, then I’ll show you how you can lessen your social anxiety by fixing “thinking errors.”
7 Signs of Social Anxiety Disorder
According to the American Psychiatric Association, you might have social anxiety if you experience the following:
- You feel anxious or afraid in social settings. You might feel extremely self-conscious, like others are judging or scrutinizing your every move. For an adult, this might happen on a first date or a job interview, or when meeting someone for the first time, delivering an oral presentation, or speaking in a class or meeting. In children, these behaviors must occur in settings with peers — rather than adult interactions — and will be expressed in terms of age appropriate distress, such as cringing, crying, or just generally displaying fear or discomfort.
- You worry quite a bit that you’ll reveal your anxiety and be rejected by others.
- You consistently feel distressed during social interactions.
- You painfully or reluctantly endure social interaction — or avoid it altogether.
- You experience fear or anxiety that’s disproportionate to the actual situation. (For example, having a panic attack before attending a party or being unable to sleep the night before a date.)
- You have fear, anxiety, or other distress around social situations that persist for six months or longer. In other words, your symptoms occur frequently and regularly in your life.
- You find that your personal life, relationships, or career are negatively affected by your anxiety. Your anxiety makes it difficult for you to function in day-to-day life.
For a diagnosis of Social Anxiety Disorder, these symptoms must be present for six months or longer and not be better explained by another mental health or medical diagnosis. But, even if you don’t meet all the criteria for it, your feelings are still real and can make life challenging.
Is Social Anxiety Common For Introverts?
If you’re an introvert who experiences social anxiety, please know that you’re not alone. Research shows that introverts are more likely to suffer from social anxiety than extroverts. (Although extroverts are not immune to social anxiety.) A small study done in 2011 found that “social phobia patients” were significantly more often introverts (93.7 percent) than not (46.2 percent). Although not all introverts suffer from social anxiety, this study suggests that we “quiet ones” may be prone to it in one form or another.
Personally, I know that social anxiety can be excruciating, because I experience it myself. That’s why I’m passionate about helping other introverts cope with it. Introverts, in my practice, struggle with it because they tend to overthink and overanalyze situations. They may find themselves caught in a cycle of planning out a conversation only to have it go differently than their script. This puts them on the spot — an introvert’s nightmare — and may create a high level of anxiety.
They then may fall into the trap of mind-reading. Mind-reading is what some therapies, like Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, call “thinking errors.” These patterns of thinking can be helpful in some situations, but when overused, they can be harmful.
Many introverts (especially highly sensitive introverts) are particularly vulnerable to the “error” of mind-reading because they’re so good at tuning into other people’s body language, emotions, and energy that it feels like they know what someone else is thinking — even though they don’t actually possess telepathy.
When a conversation goes off-script and anxiety is heightened, introverts may assume that others are thinking critically of them and take this assumption as fact. The thoughts of “now he thinks I’m an idiot” — though most likely false — can create even more anxiety. It’s a vicious and debilitating cycle.
But you can lessen your social anxiety. Let’s take a look at the power of identifying and correcting thinking errors.
The Power of Fixing Thinking Errors
Let’s take an example from my practice. One young woman who came to me had a hard time making new friends. She was more mature than her cohort and seemed to be having trouble initiating conversations. As we talked, it came to light that her introverted trait of thinking before speaking had spiraled out of control. She’d rehearse for hours what she was going to say to a certain person, then be caught off guard when the conversation didn’t go as planned. She then feared that people thought she was “stupid” or “awkward” (she was mind-reading) and became highly anxious.
After a conversation like this, she’d ruminate over what she should have said for days or weeks. Obviously, this left her too anxious to start new conversations with anyone, which lead to a cycle of reinforcing her anxiety about social situations and her avoidance of them.
What did we do about it? The first step was education; we discussed both overthinking and mind-reading and how they relate to her introverted nature. She discovered that her tendency to overthink was very helpful in situations where she needed to analyze information and come to a conclusion, like schoolwork, but that with friends and family, it was creating a barrier to close relationships.
She was also able to see that while she is very attuned to others’ emotional states, she isn’t telepathic and can’t actually read others’ minds.
Taking a close look at the thought patterns that were feeding her anxiety gave her some valuable insights. For one, she realized that the thoughts of “stupid” weren’t what she feared others would think of her, but what she thought of herself. Once we hit on this critical insight, she began to understand that her overthinking and mind-reading were actually ways to distract her from the mean things she was saying to herself.
It took quite a few sessions to help her become more self-compassionate and to lessen her overthinking. However, by the end of the school year, she was able to not only talk to new people, but to tackle the intense, conflict-laden conversations she’d always avoided before.
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Anxiety Doesn’t Have to Rule Your Life
This example gives us some valuable insight into how the introvert’s natural penchant for deep thinking and attunement to others can sometimes lead to harmful inner states. It also gives us a road map to moving forward and feeling better.
If you’re an introvert who suffers from social anxiety, the first step is to do what you do best: Look inside and bring awareness to the thought patterns that are no longer helping you. Some of the best ways to do this are mindfulness, yoga, and journaling. Mindfulness trains the mind to be non-judging and discerning of thoughts and feelings; yoga helps relieve stress and is a great moving meditation; and journaling helps bring up the unconscious thoughts, feelings, and beliefs we aren’t aware of in daily life that may be holding us back.
Ask yourself if there are thinking errors that are contributing to your anxiety. Are you like the woman I described above? The next time you notice yourself committing a thinking error, don’t judge or beat yourself up for it. Instead, simply notice it — there’s power in this alone! You might go a step further and intentionally replace your thinking error with a positive thought (even if you aren’t totally feeling it yourself at the moment). Try something like: “Even though I’m scared, it’s going to be okay” or “I’m a likable person, and people enjoy being around me.”
Your social anxiety won’t disappear overnight. But by stepping into mindfulness and identifying and correcting thinking errors, you can stop it from ruling your life.
Is social anxiety holding you back?
Although social anxiety is not the same thing as introversion, many introverts experience this painful and isolating condition. The truth is you can beat social anxiety, and our partner Natasha Daniels can show you how. This means more relaxed conversations, more enjoyable work/school days, and more social invitations that you don’t immediately decline (unless you want to, of course!). Click here to check out her online class for kids and adults, How to Crush Social Anxiety.