Introvert: Just Because I Don’t Look Excited Doesn’t Mean I’m Not Into This

IntrovertDear.com introvert not excited

Have you ever been to a workshop where the speaker bounded onto the stage and shouted, “ARE YOU EXCITED?!”

Or maybe someone at a party or social gathering gleefully asked you, “Are you having fun!?”

If you’re an introvert like me, you might find these questions daunting. I can be excited about something but I won’t show it outwardly — although the people who know me well can tell.

I’m introspective and quiet by nature, so my response to the question, “Are you excited?!” can simply be “yes,” said with a smile.

People often challenge me on this: “Well, you don’t LOOK excited.” For a long time, I thought this meant there was something wrong with me. Why don’t I feel the need to jump around with glee and squeal like others?

I Hid My Introversion

When I was younger, I experienced bouts of depression, as some introverts do. It took time to be diagnosed and treated. During those times, I was very flat. Hardly anything ever excited or interested me.

But that’s not what was going on now. I hadn’t been depressed for over a decade. So what’s still wrong with me? I wondered. Why am I still not bubbly?

At that time, I felt unsure of myself in social gatherings, so I tended to remain in the background. I can’t tell you the number of times people made comments like, “Gee, you’re so quiet” — which was true, no arguments here. What frustrated me about these comments was the tone with which they were said. The words, “Gee, you have two heads” could have been said with the same tone, and it would have fit just as well.

I would then try to explain why I was quiet. But I never felt I could tell the truth — that I was simply more of a listener than a talker; that I was a little on the shy side; that I lacked confidence in myself; and that I’m an introvert who simply doesn’t need as much “excitement” as an extrovert. I felt I had to come up with more plausible reasons that would convince others I wasn’t a weirdo.

But I never did.

My Introversion Doesn’t Need to Be Fixed

I began to look at how other introverts coped, and I realized that the people I was most intrigued by were the ones who were comfortable with their quiet natures. This led me to challenge the judgments I’d made about myself. One of the beliefs I held about being an introvert was that I had to “fix” myself so I could be a more successful person.

But the more I got comfortable with the idea of introversion, the less it began to look like a problem.

Now I don’t try to hide my introversion. In fact, I’m happy to tell others about it. For example, when a friend recently asked me to a social event after I’d had a busy week, I didn’t feel the need to make an excuse. Instead, I told her I needed some alone time before I saw people again. Her response was, “Of course, I don’t blame you. No problem!”

In the past, my excuses were usually met with, “Oh come on, it’ll be good for you!” People can’t know that it’s not good for you if you don’t tell them what your needs are.

The irony was that once I became more comfortable in the world as an introvert, the more my friends accepted me as well.

I No Longer Feel the Need to Make Excuses

Of course, there are some people who still believe that my quiet nature is not okay. They push me to be more outgoing. However, rather than feeling bad about this, I simply take their behavior as an indication that they aren’t the right fit for me socially.

And it’s not necessarily the extroverts who are a bad fit. Sometimes it’s other introverts who have not yet accepted their own quiet nature.

Being defensive and trying to explain yourself only seems to convince people that you have something to defend, and that you really are doing something wrong. I’ve learned to be kinder to myself by giving myself permission to not spend too much time with people who find it hard to understand me.

I also learned not to take responsibility for what other people made of my introspective nature or my lack of enthusiasm. I can now comfortably stand by myself at a social gathering without feeling the need to look like I’m deep in conversation with someone and having a great time. Inevitably someone will come over and start chatting anyway.

If anyone says I don’t look excited enough or I’m too quiet, I will smile and point out that it’s just my nature. I don’t feel the need to spend a lot of time with those people, because it doesn’t do me any good to be around anyone who inadvertently triggers my old beliefs about myself. There will always be people I’m not compatible with, and that’s okay.

I used to seek those people out, thinking if I explained myself better and won them over, it would prove that I’m okay. All it ever did was reveal how different I was from them and made me feel inadequate.

Deep Within the Introvert, There’s a Lot Going On

Underneath my reserved nature, I discovered that I’m actually a “people person” and I thrive on being in a close-knit circle of like-minded souls. I still like my alone time. I’m still working out how to balance my needs and not spend too much time with other people, which leaves me feeling drained.

On the flip side, spending too much time alone can leave me feeling flat and unmotivated.

What many fail to see is that deep within the introvert, there’s a lot going on. But rather than giving it a voice directly through talk and chatter, it is expressed through activism, journaling, painting, creating music, planting a flower garden, fighting for a special cause — or even well-placed silence.

Being an introvert isn’t wrong. Neither is being an enthusiastic extrovert. Simply put, introverts require less input from external sources than extroverts — and there is a place in the social world for all of us.

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Leanne Chapman is a therapist, writer, dreamer, night owl, animal lover, and introverted homebody. She knew she was a introvert from early childhood but it took decades to find her voice. In the meantime, Leanne became a therapist, trying to help others make sense of their lives as well as learning to understand her own essence. She now lives in a wooden pole home amongst the trees with her rescue cat Jade, where she works with clients and writes about love, loss, and healing. You can find her on Facebook or learn more about her on ClaimYourTreasure.com.