10 Things You Should Know About Being in a Relationship with an INFP

Love is the life-blood for those who identify with the INFP personality. As “lovers of love,” finding a compatible partner willing to investigate our complex, individualistic nature can be hard. Thankfully, we found you.

For an INFP, our number one desire in a relationship is to be understood and accepted for our authentic self. While we’re keenly self-aware, we can struggle to help you discern our perplexing ways. If you haven’t already noticed, we can be paradoxical, with many traits that contradict each other.

Getting to know an INFP can be an expedition full of swift twists and turns, with a few unexpected boundaries thrown in. Here’s what you need to know about your compatibility with an INFP — and how to decode them in a relationship.

Who Is the Perfect Partner for an INFP?

Rest assured, any type is compatible with the INFP in a relationship — or with any other type. It is true, however, that INFPs tend to most commonly date certain types, which include the INTJ and ENFJ (ENJFs are often described as the “perfect match” for INFPs, although this is highly subjective).

But the truth is, there are advantages (and drawbacks) to every match. INFPs who partner with a similar personality — like the ENFP, their extroverted twin — will have almost endless traits in common, but the two will share glaring weak spots with no one to balance them out. On the other hand, an INFP who choses to date or marry an ISFJ will have to overcome some major differences, but the ISFJ can help hold them accountable and keep them organized (while the INFP will help the ISFJ think big, dream big and really express the things they normally keep hidden). There are some very strong couples who are complete opposites.

As with any relationship, maturity and listening to your partner is key. And nothing helps more than knowing what to expect from the INFP and understanding what they need in love and relationships.

10 Things You Need to Know if You’re in a Relationship with an INFP

So, here are 10 things you should know while on your quest to understanding an INFP’s mysterious behavior in a relationship:

1. We prefer to move at a slower pace.

In the beginning of a relationship with an INFP, you may notice their hesitance to reveal certain parts of themselves. Occasionally we’re an open-book, but the stuff that matters will take time to unveil.

We take mental and physical intimacy very seriously, as we want to be sure that you are capable of accepting us.

Tip: One of our romantic ideals is to share our innermost self with you, so try to ask the right questions in a gentle manner to help this along. Pressuring us to open up may result in more resistance (we’re stubborn that way).

2. We’re genuine romantics.

Think more along the lines of a Shakespearean sonnet, rather than a Hallmark card with platitudes of affection. We’ll certainly enjoy fresh flowers or dinner by candlelight, but personalized gestures will make us feel incredibly special.

Tip: A foolproof way to accomplish this is through handmade gifts. Whether masterful or loaded with imperfections, your gift is thoughtful because you put in the effort. Finding creative ways to say, “I love you” that are uniquely suited to your INFP demonstrate that you understand and admire us — the attempt of which is the greatest gift of all.

PH circle 2What’s your personality type? Knowing your type can help you leverage your natural strengths. Take the free test from our partner Personality Hacker.

Bonus tip: After spending many years counseling couples, Dr. Gary Chapman concluded that there are five love languages, or in other words, five ways that people speak and understand emotional love. The five love languages are: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. I’ve noticed that INFPs tend to appreciate quality time the most. Try deliberately fitting us into your schedule for some one-on-one time so we can feel connected to you.

3. We’re hopelessly devoted to you.

Thanks to our ever-present idealism, when we fall, we fall hard… to the point where we might overlook our own needs and desires. We love to please the one we adore, as they are seen as someone deserving special treatment.

Harmony is important to us, and we value working together so we both win. Unfortunately, as the song lyrics suggest, being “hopelessly devoted” can result in staying in relationships that don’t serve us completely. We can be taken advantage of for our devotion, and end up damaging important parts of ourselves to serve our partner’s needs.

Tip: If your INFP has dealt with this in the past, remind them that it’s all about balance. Take care of them the best you can, but make sure they consider their own needs too.

4. We want our values and emotions taken seriously.

INFPs tend to think with their feelings.

With dominant Introverted Feeling (Fi), we use our inner sense of ethics formed by personal experiences as a way to interpret information. This impulse shapes our values, which are tightly laced to our deeply felt emotions.

Tip: If you aspire to understand an INFP, you must understand that this is how we perceive the world. And, you must aspire to respect this. We are accustomed to judgment and criticism when we share how we feel. Dismiss our emotions or our values and you might as well be rejecting our entire self. Please choose to listen. Kindly assist us when we aren’t being objective and it’s clearly called for.

Understand me. I’m not like an ordinary world. I have my madness, I live in another dimension and I do not have time for things that have no soul. –Charles Bukowski

5. We’re open-minded (most of the time).

Auxiliary Extroverted Intuition (Ne) gives INFPs a penchant for exploring ideas, possibilities, and patterns. This is what makes us unconventional, easy-going, and willing to try new things.

Nevertheless, these characteristics come with the price of indecision, so don’t expect us to always know where we want to go for dinner. We’re much better at laying out options and deciding together.

It’s tempting to bask in the convenience of our open-mindedness, kicking around even the craziest ideas… until you hit up against one of our core values. We’re compromising, to a point, but when it comes to our ideals, we don’t give an inch.

Tip: Each INFP will have values worth defending and standing by, no matter what. These will appear unexpectedly, and seem to come out of nowhere, so be ready for them. You don’t have to agree with what we believe (or feel), but if you show respect for it — and don’t push us to change on these key points — you will be even dearer in our hearts.

6. We can be cryptic.

Being direct can be impossible for us, as Extroverted Thinking (Te) — our logical, no-nonsense straight-talking function — is our last and least developed cognitive function.

That means we can be reluctant to divulge specific emotions straightaway, which makes our roundabout manner of communicating hard to decipher.

In moments of affection, that may mean we may prefer to tell you how much we care about you through a heart-felt letter, rather than a face-to-face conversation. In moments of frustration, we may unfortunately resort to passive-aggression, along with some uncharacteristic lashing out.

Tip: If we lash out, approach the situation directly, so it can be resolved. Try not to take this personally (we know, it’s hard). INFPs who feel “heard” will also feel loved, and INFPs who get a clear, direct message about your feelings will appreciate you even more.

7. We need a lot of time and space for processing — alone.

This need manifests a number of ways. As introverts, we need time by ourselves to regain lost energy. Our creative process also requires isolation so we can form thoughts and ideas. When we’re alone, we can relax and follow our own schedule. Otherwise, we may become overwhelmed and unable to focus.

Tip: Please note that alone time is the most critical when an INFP is processing their emotions. We often know how we feel instantaneously, but we need time to sort through our labyrinth of emotions before sharing them with others. Be mindful that we’ll be unable to properly share how we feel unless we’ve had time to think things over on our own.

8. We may need your help when we’re stressed.

Everyone has to deal with stress from time to time, but it can be particularly daunting for INFPs.

We can quickly become distraught when our perfectionism kicks in. Tedious day-to-day activities can add up and contribute to the madness. As we established earlier, we have trouble being direct — and this applies to asking for help. Step in and help us when we need it, even if unasked, and we’ll love you for it.

Tip: Crossing things off our to-do list for us will win you major points, especially the little things. Sometimes we’ll need to vent while you dry our tears of exasperation. Thank you in advance for this; you don’t know how much it means to us.

9. We want you to be honest, despite how sensitive we can be.

Being completely honest with us can seem dangerous. We don’t take criticism well and can often respond emotionally when confronted with an issue. However, we truly, deeply believe that it doesn’t help anyone to withhold concerns, and we will become hurt if we realize that you can’t share with us completely.

Tip: INFPs can be receptive to negative statements if they are explained in a loving and affectionate manner. Try to phrase things in a way that won’t be perceived as an attack. We recognize compassionate intentions.

Approaching potential conflict this way shows you are trying to help us, and ultimately, help our relationship.

10. We need you to be reliable.

The world can be a harsh place for INFPs. We regularly feel misunderstood. We worry that our attributes are not highly valued by those around us. As a result, our imagination often serves as our place to retreat and feel free.

Tip (and the way to our heart): When we come back to reality, we want to rely on you, our romantic partner, first and foremost, for support and care.

Be our refuge when we are caught up in the unfairness of the world. Be our champion and point out when we’re not properly sticking up for ourselves. Be our source of comfort and assurance when we are in need of empathy and a warm hug.

We will forever cherish this, and we’ll be determined to do the same for you.

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Aute Porter is a half-Tahitian INFP and HSP that is in the process of sorting out a career (the ultimate INFP struggle). She is passionate about contemporary art, travel, Indian food, psychology, and Kanye West. If she had a Patronus, it would take the form of Tina Belcher. Like all empaths, she aspires to help others through her life lessons. Aute has a personal blog centered on her experiences with anxiety. Feel free to connect with her through her email.