5 Secrets INTJ Women Want Their Partners to Know

Although INTJ women desire love and companionship, they may struggle to admit it.

Although INTJ women desire love and companionship, they may struggle to admit it.  

The INTJ personality type is notoriously rare. Even rarer is the gender-type combination of the Female INTJ (much like the Male INFJ) — it’s the least likely MBTI type result for women. The counterintuitive dichotomy of existing as a woman and an INTJ can be baffling, as INTJ women contradict many societally held beliefs about what traits a stereotypical woman should exhibit. 

As you might expect, being a female INTJ can lead to a sense of feeling out of step with the world around us, which makes finding a partner who understands us a unique challenge. Reluctant to blindly follow expected dating patterns, INTJ women are incredibly selective when it comes to significant others. However, when we do find an anchoring partner, we invest in our relationship with an unparalleled sense of sincerity, focus, and commitment.

One of the most intriguing things about being an INTJ woman is that we’re mysterious creatures and often quite private, even with those closest to us. If you’re craving some insight into how we view relationships, see below for five secrets INTJ women want our partners to know (but may have trouble admitting!).

(What’s your personality type? We recommend this free personality assessment.)

5 Secrets INTJ Women Want Their Partners to Know

1. They crave deep, meaningful, and supportive romantic relationships.

INTJs do not play nicely with anything we regard as superficial or shallow; our thoughts and feelings run deep. Because we view feelings as inherently private, we may struggle to admit how much we desire companionship, but rest assured that our quest for meaningful connection with a life partner is a hidden priority of ours. 

As an atypical gender-type combination, finding a partner to achieve synchronicity can be a real challenge. Despite our propensity for independence and a fundamental need for alone time, there is nothing more alluring to us than finding a rare partner who truly connects with us, understands how we function on a deeper level, and appreciates us for who we are. We want someone with whom we can share an intuitive connection, someone who we can rely on to always play on our team.

When we find someone whose presence we prefer over our own cherished alone time — or, even better, someone with whom we can be alone together — we want the relationship to flourish, and we’ll work to make it so. We’re well known for our steadfast loyalty and want to be there for our partners as a best friend, confidante, and reliable supporter. We aren’t lazy lovers; we take commitment seriously and expect the same in return.

2. They feel intense, complex emotions, but sometimes struggle to define and communicate them.

Intimate relationships make us feel profound, beautiful things with an intensity we don’t normally experience in our day-to-day interactions. But unlike the societal stereotype that women are naturally more open with their emotions, INTJ women tend to digest and analyze our feelings before we are comfortable expressing them. It might take us hours, days, or even weeks to parse through the jumble of complex emotions we feel at any one given time.

While we may not actively or immediately show these emotions, our silence does not equate to a lack of feeling — rather, it probably denotes the opposite. At other times, we might become agitated and frustrated when we struggle to find the language needed to understand and communicate what we’re feeling. Please be patient with us — we do want to share these things with you. But even the most eloquent INTJ can struggle with translating emotions into words that don’t seem to adequately encapsulate the depth of what we feel.

But don’t worry: INTJ women are intentional when communicating thoughts, feelings, and ideas, and we will rarely fill space with frivolities just to please other people. Know that it takes courage to communicate our complex emotions to you, and we mean what we say. We ask that you take our confidence seriously.

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3. Negative past relationship experiences may leave them cautious and defensive.

INTJ women don’t play games. We view them not only as misleading and unethical, but a fundamental waste of time and energy. That’s why we take betrayal, dishonesty, and abuse very seriously. If we’ve been burned before, we’re likely to employ our defense mechanism in the form of looking for red flags, troubling signs, and patterns in all of our relationships to follow.

Just like most other things in our lives, we want our relationships to work, and we are willing to invest the best of ourselves into them. When our partners fail to meet these standards, we are prone to internalizing conflict and painful experiences to keep ourselves from feeling vulnerable. It may be difficult for us to process emotional pain in relationships, and we may be wary of new romantic entanglements until we find a partner who we wholeheartedly trust to commit to us in the same steadfast way we commit to them.

Like INFJs, we’re known to regularly employ the INTJ “door slam” when partners hurt or betray us. Doing so does not always immediately help us untangle the tidal wave of negative emotions we will eventually process privately. But we don’t see any benefit to continuing to place our trust in someone we know to have failed us. INTJs are not overwhelmingly second-chance givers — when we see a relationship fail in a way we can’t rationalize or recover from, we conserve our time and energy by cutting ties. We’ll eventually move on to something that has a better chance of succeeding.

4. They love being alone, and they see this as fundamentally different from being lonely.

INTJs love, and need, alone time. It allows us to recharge our batteries, do our best thinking, work on meaningful projects, capitalize on our creativity, and recenter ourselves. However, we are careful to differentiate our love for being alone from our feelings of loneliness.

Many INTJ women feel vastly misunderstood by society at large, which is the root of our persistent loneliness. We might be reluctant to communicate when we feel lonely, but we desperately want to bond with a partner who alleviates our loneliness while simultaneously respecting our autonomy, introversion, and lone-wolf nature.

This is sometimes a difficult dynamic to achieve, so if we’ve communicated that we appreciate your company, we’ve told you we are energized when we spend time with you, or we actively seek you out, congratulations! You’re a rare gem and, despite our independent streak, we are keen to keep you as a constant companion in our lives. Bonus points if we include you in our future plans or discuss the long-term with you. 

5. They “overthink” things — including their capacity to be loved.

We’ve got that “T” in our introverted personality type for a reason. What some may see as chronic overthinking, INTJs see as the continual analytical processes our brains employ in order for us to understand and improve upon the world around us. And, yes, we do apply this analysis to relationships, too — but it comes from a place of genuine love.

INTJ women continually ponder relationship dynamics to ensure things are as fair and fulfilling as possible for both parties, because if we’ve chosen you, we respect, admire, and care for you. Your happiness becomes a priority to us, whether we outwardly communicate that or not. Ensuring that both of our collective and personal needs are met, and being willing to make changes if they’re not, is a way we show how much we genuinely cherish our present and future partnership with you. 

Our constant analysis extends even further, though. After becoming accustomed to not fitting in or being understood by others, many INTJ women may have internalized the idea that we are, by nature, difficult to love. And although we typically disregard convention and public opinion in favor of making our own way in the world, we do seriously care about the opinions of a few choice people in our lives. 

So, partners of INTJ women: We value and respect your opinion, especially your opinion of us! If you love us, let us know. Just because we may not care what most people think of us doesn’t mean we’re always confident in our ability to be loved. We ask that you remind us from time to time, and know we will be sincere in our reciprocation.

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Written By

I’m an introverted writer and editor whose work primarily focuses on concepts of “in-betweenness,” identity, and transatlanticism. You can find me on LinkedIn, Instagram, and Twitter, listed on the Women Also Know History database, and circulating around the web on sites such as Irish American Mom, CenterPieceNY, and British Period Dramas Online.