Introverts, are you stuck in a loneliness loop?

Marta Bevacqua

Loneliness is a horrible, empty feeling that gnaws at your gut.

Ironically, you can be surrounded by other people and still feel lonely. That’s because loneliness is actually a state of mind, not the state of being alone.

What makes us feel lonely isn’t the fact that there are no people around, but that we can’t connect with those people in the intimate, emotional way that we crave.

How loneliness affects our health

Loneliness can have a huge impact on our physical and mental health.

People who are lonely are at higher risk for depression and suicide, cardiovascular disease, stroke, increased stress levels, decreased memory and learning, poor decision-making, and even the progression of Alzheimer’s disease.

John Cacioppo, co-author of the book Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection in an interview with U.S. News and World Report explains:

“Lonely adults consume more alcohol and get less exercise than those who are not lonely. Their diet is higher in fat, their sleep is less efficient, and they report more daytime fatigue. Loneliness also disrupts the regulation of cellular processes deep within the body, predisposing us to premature aging.”

In other words, loneliness is serious.

Why introverts can be susceptible to a loneliness loop

We’ve all fallen prey to loneliness at times, whether we’re an introvert or an extrovert. Sadly, there’s even some scientific evidence that loneliness is genetic.

But it’s possible for us introverts to get stuck in a cycle of loneliness, writes Sophia Dembling, author of The Introvert’s Way: Living a Quiet Life in a Noisy World.

This “loneliness loop” can happen because staying home alone is often our default. We might find it hard to muster up the energy to hang out with people, especially after a long day of work or classes.

Plus, we don’t like superficial socializing:

“We desire and require deep connections and would rather be lonely alone than in a crowd,” Dembling writes in a Psychology Today blog post. “But realistically, those deep connections are not easy to find, and if we get caught short and our only choice is superficial socializing or nothing, we can get lonely.”

If we’re always staying home, our self-image might erode, which will make us want to stay home even more, Dembling writes.

We may even get to the point where we become anxious just at the thought of going out and being around people. But if we keep saying no to our friends, eventually they’ll quit inviting us out.

We end up in a vicious cycle that’s hard to break.

Introverts and the problem of feeling misunderstood

Psychiatrist Carl Jung wrote, “Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself.”

We introverts have complex, rich — and private — inner lives. Our inner world is the most authentic part of who we are, yet we often find it difficult to share it with other people.

Perhaps we find it hard to put our abstract thoughts and feelings into words, or maybe we just don’t feel comfortable enough with most people to open up.

When we can’t connect authentically with others, we’re left feeling misunderstood, which is horribly lonely.

What to do about loneliness

Simply being around people more won’t cure loneliness, writes Michaela Chung, who is a coach for introverts and the creator of the web site Introvert Spring.

What we really should do is plant seeds of intimacy.

This might mean not waiting for other people to come to you. When your energy levels are at their peak, extend a few social invitations to people who you find interesting, Chung writes.

Even if they say no this time, they’re more likely to say yes in the future.

“Be open,” Chung writes. “You can be very open and still be introverted. In this case, openness refers to being in a space of non-judgment, letting go of how your ideal friend ‘should’ look, and opening your eyes to the special people who are already in your life.”

When you’re with those people, reach into yourself and share from that hidden, inner world of yours — even if it’s messy, and even if it’s just a little bit. Sharing your authentic, true thoughts and feelings will go a long way toward building the intimacy you crave.

Unfortunately, there’s no quick route to building strong, satisfying relationships. But if we’re willing to invest time and effort, we can better protect ourselves from the painful bite of loneliness.

Image credit: Marta Bevacqua (Deviant Art)


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5 Comments

  • electstat says:

    Yes. A co-worker and I were talking a few days ago about our differences as he is very much an extrovert. I have a lot of “acquaintances”, he has a lot of “friends”. Somewhere along the line the hypothetical question was asked about if I were in a bind, how many people do I think I would feel comfortable calling for help. I could think of no one.

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  • Deb says:

    While I can relate to the loneliness loop as I have been experiencing this for quite some time, I don’t see how mentioning that loneliness affects us both physically and mentally is of much benefit. After reading this once again (considering the many other articles that mention it), I felt even more distressed about my situation. I would rather have read about more positive aspects of alone time and steps on how to develop more intimacy and connections. Some of us don’t want to be alone but for various reasons we feel it’s out of our immediate control. Please be more positive in any of your future articles. Loneliness and lack of connection is unsetting enough let alone having to worry about how it’s affecting our health and taking it a step further, thinking that we may possibly die or become disabled from it!!!

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