Introverts: What to Do When You and Your Manager Aren’t Getting Along
Your relationship with your manager is often the most important connection you’ll have at work.
Creating a strong, intentional bond with your manager from the start takes time and effort. For some introverts, this may feel unfamiliar or even frustrating. Still, it’s much easier to maintain a positive relationship from the beginning than to repair a dysfunctional one later, especially when operational issues arise, emotions run high, and patience wears thin.
Misalignment with managers is one of the most common sources of frustration for employees. Introverts, in particular, may be tempted to internalize blame or write off the connection entirely. However, taking time for reflection and open communication can help preserve the relationship, and might even lead to a stronger rapport in the future.
Many people are now returning to the workplace after several years away, only to find they have a new boss — or that their relationship with a former manager needs a fresh start.
How to Fix the Damage
Certainly, if you are being harassed or subjected to inappropriate behavior from your manager or anyone else at work, this is never acceptable, and you have a responsibility to yourself and to the company to bring these issues to the appropriate authority immediately.
Otherwise, if you sense that the relationship is fundamentally healthy but beginning to deteriorate, consider using this six-step REPAIR model:
1. Review the situation.
Take some time alone and jot down the issues. What isn’t going well? Are the two of you not communicating, or are you misaligned? Are you not getting the support you need — or perhaps getting too much support? Be honest in assessing your own contributions to the problem. Are you sharing enough? Are you involving your manager when needed? Do you feel the job or expectations have changed?
Also, note what’s still going well. What do you still enjoy about the job and your relationship with your manager?
Write it all down. Don’t filter your thoughts. You won’t be sharing this piece of paper, but getting your concerns out of your head can be a helpful first step.
2. Explore the root cause.
Once you’ve gotten your thoughts and concerns down on paper, review them. For each issue, ask yourself why it’s bothering you. Then, look for a common thread running through your list. Often, there’s one primary root cause. You can test your theory by asking: If this one aspect of the relationship improved, would it resolve most or all of the issues I identified in the first step?
3. Prospect for solutions.
Based on the root cause you’ve identified, brainstorm a list of possible solutions. This might include having a conversation about your goals and expectations or initiating a heart-to-heart talk with your manager. Maybe you need to establish guidelines to reduce micromanaging, or set up a regular check-in meeting to stay aligned.
4. Ask for other opinions.
Talk to a trusted, objective confidante — this could be your spouse, a friend, a mentor, a sponsor, or a Human Resources representative. Make sure it’s someone you feel comfortable with and who understands the importance of confidentiality. This step is essential to help ensure you’re evaluating the situation fairly and without too much emotion — and that your approach to improving things is practical and realistic.
5. Initiate a discussion with your manager.
After reviewing the situation and possible solutions, you may decide a conversation with your manager isn’t necessary. However, remember that you raised this issue because of ongoing apprehensions or frustrations. Feeling nervous about the discussion isn’t a good reason to avoid it. If the issue is real, it will likely fester and grow into a bigger problem over time.
Instead, practice how you might open the conversation. It doesn’t have to be a formal declaration. You could simply start by asking your manager how she thinks things are going. Are there ways the two of you could improve the team’s performance through better communication or alignment? This kind of question often invites open dialogue, during which you can share your concerns in a constructive way.
Be careful not to make one-sided accusations. Instead, suggest positive steps you’re willing to take and invite your manager’s input. If the conversation doesn’t seem to be getting to the root cause or touching on your proposed solutions, bring them up directly so you can make meaningful progress.
Most workplace issues can be resolved — or at least managed — through open communication, as long as one person is willing to initiate the conversation. The biggest problems arise when neither party takes that first step, often leading to unnecessary conflict and stress down the road.
6. Raise the issue to others.
If the situation becomes unbearable and direct communication has failed to bring improvement, don’t simply let it go. Schedule a private meeting with your Human Resources representative to discuss your concerns. If there are irreconcilable differences, HR may offer to mediate or suggest alternative solutions.
A misaligned — or worse, abrasive — relationship can be deeply damaging to your confidence, mental well-being, career development, and even overall team productivity. Ultimately, if the issue remains unresolvable despite your best efforts, consider seeking opportunities in other roles within the company or elsewhere.
What Happens When You Don’t REPAIR
After several years in one assignment, I was offered an exciting new position just as my manager was leaving. However, his replacement asked me to stay and lead a reorganization with a fresh approach. My sense of loyalty to the team, combined with the ego boost of feeling indispensable, led me to decline the new opportunity and stay. In hindsight, I didn’t think this decision through carefully enough.
Within a few months, it became clear that my values and working style were very different from those of my new manager. She was harsh, dismissive of the group’s expertise, and intent on pushing her change agenda without much collaboration. My own pride, deeply ingrained habits, and stubborn refusal to yield — combined with her ego and determination — meant we never sat down to address the issues or chart a way forward. Instead, tensions grew until they became unbearable for both of us. Just four months into her leadership, I was reassigned to lower-profile projects until I eventually secured a new role elsewhere in the company.
Several years later, as I prepared to retire, I arranged an amicable lunch with that same manager. Without the pressure of a working relationship, we were finally able to share our frustrations openly. We quickly realized we both had valid points — and that we should have had that conversation years ago. Clear communication might have helped dispel the assumptions and judgments we had built up in our heads and enabled us to work together more effectively. But neither of us had followed a process like the one outlined here. As a result, we endured many unnecessary days and nights of frustration.
Your relationship with your manager is often the most important connection you’ll have at work. Nurture it intentionally. Use the REPAIR model before issues become insurmountable. The challenges, successes, and strategies you experience with each manager along the way will become valuable lessons in the kind of leader you strive to become. 
