Introverts Don’t Hate People, They Hate Shallow Socializing introvert shallow socializing

I like to make jokes about how much I hate people. As an introvert, it’s easy to do. The stereotype of the misanthropic introvert is backed by countless Facebook memes and pop culture references: Think of the animated character Daria with her oversized glasses and a book in her hand or that catchy quote from Charles Bukowski, “I don’t hate people, I just feel better when they aren’t around.”

These memes and quotes exist for a reason. They are funny and relatable, but they can also serve as a coping mechanism for those who need an excuse to hide behind. It’s the whole “I’m too school for cool” persona. It’s easy for me to say I spent the majority of the party playing with the host’s cat because the people there weren’t half as interesting as the books I have at home. It’s harder to admit that getting past the barrier of small talk ranges from somewhat daunting to downright terrifying. So I oversimplify and say I don’t like people, when what I actually dislike are the surface-level interactions of most social gatherings.

We’ve all been to those parties where the sole purpose of the event is for everyone to break into small groups where they talk about sports, the weather, or where the host’s second cousin got her hair done. It’s moments like these where it suddenly becomes very important to find out if there’s a pet you can play with, or when all else fails, perhaps a large potted plant to hide behind. If there’s a drink to be fetched or a bowl of chips to be refilled, this task will instantly become the sole purpose of my existence, because literally anything is better than small talk.

However, despite appearances, I don’t hate people. I just hate shallow socializing.

And therein lies the problem that has kept thousands of introverts awake until all hours of the night. Because being an introvert doesn’t mean that you want to be alone all the time. But unfortunately, in order to meet people to share your inner world with, it’s necessary to go out and socialize. In order to get to those coveted discussions about life goals, creative passions, and the existence of the universe, you sometimes have to start with some small talk, no matter how painful it might be.

Sometimes an Introvert Has to Go Out to Appreciate Staying In

I view socializing much like I view other aspects of my life that I know are good for me in the long run, but really aren’t very enjoyable in the moment. Do I really want to go to the gym when I could just go home and watch Netflix? No. Do I really want a salad for lunch when I could have a hamburger? No. Do I really want to go to a party when I could curl up in bed with a book and a cup of tea? It’s a no-brainer. However, to reap the rewards, you sometimes have to put in the work.

It’s all about balance. Just like I might treat myself to a piece of chocolate cake as a reward for all those days I spent at the gym last week, I’ll spend a quiet Saturday night at home because I know I already put in a night of socializing and interacting with people outside of my comfort zone on Friday.

The reward of staying in is so much sweeter when it’s saved as its own unique event to look forward to. Whereas, staying home with a book feels a whole lot less special when you are doing it for the tenth night in a row. Sometimes you have to go out to fully appreciate staying in, and vice versa.

I never would’ve met some of my closest friends if I chose to stay home and read all the time. Those relationships I have now were worth the anxiety and apprehension I felt upon venturing out of my comfort zone to establish them. Unfortunately, creating those kinds of relationships is rare, because socializing doesn’t always have tangible rewards. Sometimes I leave an event feeling drained and wishing that I had never left the house. Other times, I might feel that it went okay, but I know the surface-level conversations I held all evening probably won’t lead to any life-altering friendships. But that’s okay, because not every conversation or every evening out has to be life-altering.

For an Introvert, Socializing Isn’t Just a Way to Pass the Time

As an introvert, it’s my natural tendency to always want every interaction to be about establishing a deep connection, but that can put too much pressure on the average casual conversation. Sometimes it’s just about staying in practice with my (albeit limited) people skills until the day when someone suddenly wants to talk about their dreams and goals and all the things that makes them tick. It’s impossible to know where a conversation will lead unless you try.

I’m aware of just how ridiculous my socializing philosophy will sound to extroverts. To them, socializing itself is the end goal. My extroverted friends are always looking for something to do on the weekend, during the holidays, and even on work nights. They pursue socializing for the in-the-moment excitement that it brings. For me, attempting to socialize is a long-term goal, one that I carefully craft and balance so I don’t get mentally or emotionally overwhelmed.

“Going out” is rarely exciting for me in the moment. But I always have hope when attending a party or trying a new networking event that I will make a friend who is also dying for a quiet cup of coffee while chatting about life, or who wants to take a trip to the beach just so we can lay side by side and read in complete silence.

When I socialize, I’m not looking for a way to just pass the time. I already have a full list of hobbies and interests and not enough hours in the day to enjoy them all. But I am always looking for a new person with whom I can share my passions and my world. Sometimes meeting that one new person can be worth the agony of socializing. I like to think I’m the kind of person worth socializing for, and I know I’m not the only one of my kind.

So, my fellow introverts, please occasionally put down your books, go out, and search for the people who make socializing worth it — because I’m out there looking for you

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Read this: 12 Things Introverts Absolutely Need to Be Happy

Learn more: The Secret Lives of Introverts: Inside Our Hidden World, by Jenn Granneman 

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    • M. says:

      This. Just … this! I literally have no words to describe how well-written and spot-on this article is. I just feel it’s true to the bone! I’m an introvert, and I go through socializing to look for people like me. It’s worth it in the end.

    • Zoe Magesse says:

      Love this!

    • Joana Marie Dalisay says:

      <3 this. Hope I can meet others like me and you. Or you to be exact..which isn't possible given I'm on the other side of the world. Asia. Philippines to be exact. lol. Exact same sentiments. I try to go out and socialize too sometimes. To see and experience the world out there outside my inner world. The excitement of meeting some interesting know the prospect of meeting interesting people. Sometimes a success..most of the time disappointing lol. But you never know. 😀

    • chinkychunk says:

      Can we just make a Tinder for Introverts?

    • DhanmatiLindaSonachan says:

      So real every single word especially being drained and tired, You can have a cup of coffee with me thanks again

    • James Darling says:

      Fantastically written.

    • Spot on ! That’s exactly how I would explain myself.
      It’s nice that you were able to put into words that’s others can understand. Thanks.

    • Yea. It’s not an easy thing for me on too many occasions.But there are those social events I’ll move heaven and earth to attend because I feel really deeply about the reason. Great article.

    • Robyn says:

      Probably the most well put, well written explanation of how I feel. I especially vibed with the whole reward system in that, if I’ve worked with or been around enough folks, I look forward to the evenings or entire days of kicking back and either internet surfing or reading another good book.

    • Pollyanna says:

      I agree completely and do appreciate how well you have explained “the struggle” but what about the possibility of sharing and exposing our higher standard of communication? Like, instead of just putting up with the misery of inane comments and half-formed “thoughts”, instead of counting the minutes until you can be one with your bed and that book that you want to finish reading, politely and gently (as much as comfortably possible) making an effort to steer a shallow conversation into deeper and more genuine waters? Wouldn’t that be better than accepting sub-par interactions and allowing people who think that they’re witty AF to continue to do so?

    • Rachel says:

      Thank you for putting into words what goes through my head every single time I go to some social gathering. This is it exactly!

    • Jake says:

      I genuinely thought maybe I was just shallow? selfish? picky? for hating meeting people with whom I don’t think we have much to talk about, especially for dates. Often when I’m setting up a “blind date,” basically anyone I never met in person and only know online or through a friend, I just start to ignore them or never follow up if our text conversation doesn’t go anywhere, because I dread meeting them and having a boring conversation for two to three hours. It’s like my greatest fear lately! Such a date occurred a week ago, and I vowed, never again! But I thought I was just weird.

      This essay gives me so much reassurance.

    • Chan says:

      Interesting article. It reminds me that introversion isn’t same for all of us.

      I really do hate small talk and what I call “fake social niceties”. I see no real reason to go through those motions.

      I strongly dislike social functions and do my best to avoid them. There really is nothing, from a social standpoint, that will ever make them worthwhile for me.

      If you want to have a conversation with me, fine. Just don’t expect me to say much. I’m the guy people (sometimes even complete strangers) come to when they need a listening ear.

      I live alone and that’s just the way I like it. I’m very happily single. Lonely? I’ve heard of it, but I really don’t know what that’s like for people. I imagine it must be really difficult for those who experience it.

      I don’t actually spend much time at home, though. I do actually go out into the world and sometimes I even let people talk to me.

    • Nobody of Import says:

      I guess I’m an odd bird then. I *loathe* a lot of the shallow crap. But I reach out and do it anyway after some small threshold. I go into overdrive once past a certain point in all of it. I’m “alive” once I quit putting it off and deal with a small amount of the worthless crap. Once in the space, it doesn’t matter much. The offset I gain from the worthless banter buries the annoyance with how stupid it really is.

    • R.L. Smith says:

      Wish I’d been able to verbalized things that well over my life. Introverts of the world, unite!! (In meaningful dialogue of course!)

    • Nimesh says:

      If only I could explain this whole article to everyone.

    • AimsForPerfection says:

      I identify completely with this and like others wish 90% of the people that I have ever interacted with (or not) could read this. My circle of friends, though small, is tight-knit and understanding/tolerant of my introvertedness, even compassionate when I really feel the need to hide away. Luckily, I found a profession (made up overwhelmingly of Meyers-Briggs I personalities) and career/employer that allows me to do meaningful work while I work from home, allowing me to avoid the dreaded office banter. We all know that’s a double-edged sword. As painful, yes physically painful, and exhausting as socializing can be, I’ve found in the last few years that I often come home energized that I met new people. Okay, usually just one or two. But it is especially rewarding when the conversation goes beyond the mundane drudgery of Hi’s and Hello’s. Then I sleep for 12 hours, but wake up and know it was worth it. Thank you for this article. It will be shared with those that look at me with disbelief or a disappointed text message when I decline an offer to paint the town.

    • Robyn says:

      I started life out as an introvert then become an extrovert in my teen and young adult-middle aged years. But when I got a chronic illness and became more and more exhausted, I morphed back into an introvert. I used to love entertaining at my home….the more the merrier. My husband is an extrovert and so it has become a very difficult situation in our relationship. I am always happy for him to go wherever alone but he misses my company. If I do go out, I will skip the chit chat and ask pointed questions to friends and strangers alike such as, “What were your childhood dreams”, “Are you happy in your life”, “What was it like growing up in_____?” My husband will often apologize for my questions or tell people I want to be the next Oprah but for me, I REALLY am interested in hearing their answers. It does take most folks aback and I always preface my questions with, “Feel free to tell me you don’t want to answer” so they can choose to answer or not and I NEVER ask questions about intimate stuff (I ain’t no stinkin’ perv!) LOL. Just about everyone answers and they are ok with me asking (at least to my face!). I am not shy or timid in any way, shape, or form but as most of you, I cannot stand small talk…it makes my brain explode and seep out of my ears!

    • Chris says:

      I related so much to this article, and also appreciated the perspective it gave on socializing and how it can be beneficial in the long run, even though it feels agonizing at the moment. I don’t think I ever thought about it quite that way. Guess I need to get out of my comfort zone more often.

    • Jan says:

      Yeah, man. I wish somebody had defined Introversion when I was in my 20s and written something like this for all to see. (I’ll be 60 in May. Better now than never to feel understood.) Beautiful writing, Rachel! So spot-on and full of EXACTLY what I think about socializing. Thank you for a great read!

    • Simcha Pivovoz says:

      thank you

    • Tammi Johnson McGinn says:

      Totally spot on!!! You speak my language and it is so lovely…Like a good book and a comfy chair!

    • Poe Bear says:

      No, just no. Even if the world was 100% awesome all of the time, and everyone was super nice, introverts would still feel the need to be cooped up wherever makes them comfortable for as long as they needed

      If you’re only an introvert because you think the world sucks and is filled with shallow people, you aren’t (inherently) an introvert. You just think it’s cool to call yourself one, for some reason? Must be why people used to wear fake glasses all the time…

      • summer30134 says:

        I didn’t get that she thinks people are shallow. But I do get that she finds it take a lot out of you to make small talk, because its just NOT interesting. And it does drain you. Evidently extroverts enjoy small talk , but i don’t.

        • Sue Willoughby says:

          Her title is: Introverts don’t hate people, they hate SHALLOW socializing. And she uses same reference in body of letter.

          • mahogani says:

            yes. Shallow Socializing. meaning going out and socializing just to be seen and engage in small talk with people you’ll never see again. i totally get it. she means if she’s going to get out there an socialize, it has to have a purpose or end goal. not just for the heck of it or because you’re bored at home (like extroverts do)

        • akzidenzgrotesk says:

          Honestly, I just can’t really relate very much to the idea of getting stuck in a series of shallow conversations about the weather and nothing all the time. Maybe it’s because I’m both and introvert and a giant nerd with lots of nerdy obsessions (and I don’t feel remotely embarrassed by them, and will talk about them at length and with passion), but I don’t find it all that difficult to strike up a relatively in-depth conversation about my current favorite TV show, or how stupid the 3D movie trend is, or how awesome cats are, hell, I very often even stray into the politics/religion no-go-zone if the other party or parties start heading that direction first, even with strangers. But even when the conversation is top notch, I’m still pretty drained after a couple of hours, so… yeah, that’s just how being an introvert IS. But I’ve found that if you want to have interesting conversations, you have to be willing to MAKE interesting conversation, and know your limits. (And maybe avoid socializing with people you have NOTHING at all in common with? I could see that leading to introvert shut down… this is why I don’t go to Super Bowl parties or sports games; I can’t imagine anything less interesting to do with my time. And I know that makes me weird; I just own it and save my energy for the parties more likely to foster conversations I can actually participate in. I realize that I’m a no-more-than-one social event a week sort of person, so I stick to that and I end up having a lot more fun when I do go out.)

          • John says:

            I feel the same, after getting to know a person I become bored of them and move on. I know this is terrible but that is how I am.

            “Honestly, I just can’t really relate very much to the idea of getting stuck in a series of shallow conversations about the weather and nothing all the time.”

        • Christian says:


      • angie497 says:

        But see, funny thing – the fact that you can make comments like “introverts would still feel the need to be cooped up wherever makes them comfortable for as long as they needed” pretty much indicates that you’re not an introvert and don’t actually have the first clue what introverts might be thinking or feeling about socializing.

      • skye smiggle says:

        I disagree with your belief, you are confusing introversion with depression

    • francoise007 says:

      I recently read something that really hit the nail for me. It said extroverts are people who NEED the energy of others, that their brains are wired to seek social interaction, and they crave it. It said that introverts tend to see extroverts as narcissists when it’s really more a matter of how our brains are wired. Introverts are drained by too much social stimulation, they are aware of so many things, it becomes overwhelming. I can be very introverted, and I can be fairly extroverted, it really depends on the circumstances. But I did tend to think that extroverts were more superficial, until I came across that piece I read recently, and it’s made me give it more thought. As an introvert would 🙂

    • George says:

      That is true as I’m an introvert myself spending a lot of time alone to do things I love to do. When I meet with family and friends on occasions I will go hard in terms of socializing & engaged in conversations.

    • Arshee Islam says:

      I don’t know why do people have an issue with us … we’re introverts but that doesn’t mean we’re dumb or antisocial…. it’s just that we appreciate silence in a world which can’t stop talking….

    • Dre Mosley says:

      This is accurate. We are so misunderstood.

    • MyLovelyNose says:

      Maybe what you’re really looking for in that conversation about “dream, goals,” etc., is for the conversation to be about YOU.

      • summer30134 says:

        No, she means more meaningful, satisfying , give and take conversation.

      • angie497 says:

        Not. Even. Close.

      • Kristina says:

        No… we already know what makes us tick. It’s more interesting to hear what makes other people tick. The soul of a person and meaningful exchanges of ideas. The latest gossip about who is now so-and-so’s side piece or who is hooking up with whom or five minute squeelings and raves about someone’s new hair color or outfit or nails (and then another five minutes of whispering about how bad it all looks when that person is out of earshot) is just draining to people like us.

      • Disqustinator says:

        Read it again. Slowly.

    • Jason Strnad says:

      Thank you.

    • Julie says:

      As an extrovert I am growing weary of all the commentary to the effect that extroverts are shallow and insensitive. Depth of character and sensitivity have to do with your essence and are not tied to whether you like chit chat or not. Let’s quit putting other people in boxes to make ourselves feel better. If you are not sociable, fine but don’t turn it into a self-glorification fest at the expense of people who like to be with people.

      • Sarah White says:


      • angie497 says:

        Except saying that someone is comfortable with social chatter is not the same as saying that they are shallow or insensitive.

        • AngYouDontStop says:

          The word shallow is literally in the headline to this story.

          • angie497 says:

            Then work on your fucking reading comprehension. In the headline, the word shallow is a descriptor for the word socializing; it is describing an activity, not a person or their personality.

            • AngYouDontStop says:

              So much anger over something so ridiculous unscientific and meaningless.

          • Disqustinator says:

            “shallow socializing”. Not shallow people.

        • Disqustinator says:

          I think youmissed the bit where it saiys “shallow socializing”. Not shallow people.

      • peacenow4all says:

        And yet so many parties and social gatherings are totally shallow, vapid and exhausting. How to explain the people who seem to thrive in those environments and constantly degrade the rest of us a being “anti-social” because we crave a more personal, intimate, meaningful exchange? Maybe some of them are shallow? Certainly not all of them. My partner is an extrovert and he isn’t shallow or insensitive but he has a very high threshold for socializing and loves to gab it up and is happy as the center of attention in a large crowd, where I am always in the corner with other introverts avoiding the spotlight and discussing something weird and esoteric if possible. There are times when even the thought of small talk gives me an anxiety attack, yet my partner can always do it with seemingly endless energy.

      • DRF says:

        Oh yes, especially considering how many people at those parties go out of their way to think of funny jokes and stories and make their small talk entertaining. It’s just that it’s fun for some people and not others.

      • Aycha Sirvanci says:

        Yes I totally agree – I am fairly extroverted but I belong to book clubs etc and have friends who have parties that are “smart” and “not superficial” and have interesting things to say. Maybe this person needs to change the people they hang out with – there are people who are not shallow and talk about real things 🙂

        • Disqustinator says:

          The article is not calling people shallow, but rather aspects of socializing that are shallow.

          • Aycha Sirvanci says:

            If you reread the article I agree with you that it says some people socialize shallowly – not really a word 🙂 What I’m saying is that there are also extroverted people who don’t socialize in a shallow manner. This introvert hasn’t found those people or isn’t hanging out with the right people is what I’m saying.

      • douglass davis says:

        Extrovert= the masses/sheeple

    • Cynthia Gallegos says:

      Great writing. At parties, sadly ,yes…could be found with a large picture/art book in my hands. So glad this ends on a high note: I agree. Even introverts have to meet socially & somewhere. !!

    • summer30134 says:

      Boy you hit the nail on the head with this article! You explained introverts perfectly.

    • Sarah White says:

      Yes, yes, yes. At some point, it would appear, someone falsely equated “introvert” with “introspective” and decided that meant that they got to corner the market on being deep. I get it, social anxiety is a thing, but calling everyone who doesn’t struggle in social situations “superficial” is immature. Don’t like shallow small talk, then don’t have it. I’m extroverted, I don’t don’t like talking about “shallow” things so I don’t. Talking to strangers about meaningful things is, quite literally, one of my go-to “make new friends” strategies. Being the person who “always finds the pet to hang out with at the party, aren’t I quirky, lol” and wearing that like some kind of badge isn’t productive. If being social is something that you legitimately want to be better at, then work on it instead of writing articles, making memes, and glorifying anti social behavior patterns. If you don’t care anything about being social, then carry on. The party is going to happen whether you are there or not.

    • Jimbaux! says:

      Going to parties (which I don’t anymore do) really felt like work, because I knew that I could make some connections that might have some currency-like tangible benefit – like, a cheap-but-not-advertised apartment or a good job. That’s exactly why it felt fake, that even my late-night “social” interactions were commoditized.

    • DRF says:

      There is a solution other than just enduring all the parties and small talk: talk-optional socializing.

      Why do dudes (especially cross-generationally) go FISHING so much? Because it allows them to either have conversations or remain in total silence (without ever making eye contact, even!) and still feel like they’ve spent the day in each other’s company.

      If you join a hiking club, you’ll find that some people yap the whole time and other people keep their eyes on the rocks and mouths shut but no one thinks they’re not participating. In a martial arts class, the first month might be awkward, but all speech and other social matters are so clear and regimented that it soon becomes no-pressure. (And these are both so physical that you can skip the gym that day.)

      The point of all the small talk is to do enough of it to get people to feel like they know you enough to share the deep information that introverts find rewarding. If you climb enough mountains with someone or help them finally get a whipkick right, they’ll feel like they know you even if you’ve never said two words in a row.

      So the next time your extroverted friends are looking for something to do, tell them you have an idea and pick something where you can keep either your eyes pointed through a camera or on your hands whenever you need to. “Let’s go birdwatching!” “The new pottery school is offering a first class free.” “I’ve never been to the botanical garden.”

      I’d love to read a follow-up article about this.

      • peacenow4all says:

        Good ideas! I’ve done many of the above for years but it didn’t occur to me that this is the best way for introverts to socialize. It’s true. We like to do things together, to share in what really moves us, and not to waste our time on small talk. When I’m at a cocktail party I can almost feel the sands of time slipping through my hourglass.

        • DRF says:

          My friends and I would cook or bake together. The first time one of them held a traditional party I was bored out of my mind.

    • Areyou Solame says:

      I totally don’t get most of what you’re saying. It’s like you’re in a fog and don’t know how to properly be an adult, but you are pointing to your desire to be alone as the root cause. YET YOU LIKE BEING WITH SOME PEOPLE. Do you think that EVERYONE, ALL THE TIME, LIKES TO BE WITH EVERYONE ELSE? You act like you have this big problem, and it’s unique to you, but most people have favorite and unfavorite people. You just seem unable to cope with being with unfamiliar people, until you can determine whether they’re going to be on the fav or unfav list.

      To recap what you said…You like being with people, but only the specific people who match up with the very specific kinds of activities you enjoy, in only in the the exact way you want to do those activities. And only when you feel like it. You sound like someone who isn’t comfortable with new things (fear of what?) and isn’t socially adept at all. Is this being an introvert, or is this just the result of not having parents/adults/peers in your life to show you how to live in a world that is full of people who ARE NOT EXACTLY LIKE YOU!?

      You talk about small talk as shallow socializing, but have you looked in the mirror? How can it be so shallow when you are 1/2 of the conversation between 2 people? Have you nothing to offer in the way of conversation and so then you deem it “shallow?” Are you unaware of the basic social customs in your culture/county/age-group (are you an awkward conversationalist because you don’t know how to do it properly?) and so then you feel uncomfortable when having to talk with people, or (gasp) new people? The old saying goes something like this “If you complain about being bored, it’s because YOU are BORING!”

      Has it ever occured to you that the WAY people mingle, merge, meet and develop friendships has a basic pattern, and it includes making “small talk” during “social gatherings” in an attempt to find commonalities between people? I suppose that except for people who you have known since birth and are comfortable with you need to do this. Everyone does. Except for the people who you’ve known since birth, you need to go through this cycle and deal with it on a consious level.

      There is no rocket science involved and EVERYONE goes through this in an attempt to meet like-minded folks to spend their time with. Again..YOU ARE NOT UNIQUE in this aspect. Its just that you seem to not know how to do it properly, easily, comfortably, and it seems that you can ONLY interact comfortably with people who want exactly, specifically what you want.

      I suppose having a bunch of acquaintences who are exactly like me and want to do the exact same things as me is ONE way to live my life, however I prefer to have a lot of friends–some who are similar and some who are very different because of the learning opportunities that it provides.

      Good luck with life, and maybe take some classes and learn how to be open to new ideas and other ways of thinking. Meeting people shouldn’t be so complicated.

      • peacenow4all says:

        You are a perfect example of why some people don’t want to socialize. Let me know what parties you’re going to be attending so I can avoid them!

    • Jamila Ajon says:

      I can relate so much! I’m the wallflower in parties, the one who pets the dog or plays with the little sibling. But when I find a friend who has the same interests, we talk for hours! Heck, we can stay up all night just talking, sometimes shallow things but we talk about serious topics too.

    • Noel Green says:

      Yes! And I ESPECIALLY hate shallow socializing around a camp fire with pretentious sweaters and JC Penny catalog hairdos.

    • James Flood says:

      Can all we introverts in the comments section somehow meet up? This is awesome!

    • Michael Massey says:

      According to the Meyers-Briggs personality types (which is based on Jungian psychology), the difference between introverts and extroverts is where you draw your energy from. Extroverts draw energy from interacting with others, introverts (who draw energy from within) are drained by social interactions. An introvert, I worked in an extroverted field. I needed ‘alone time’ to recharge. Being aware of this simple distinction, helped me manage my introvert/extrovert time.

    • Christine Verstricht says:

      I can so relate.

    • Mattie says:

      “But I always have hope when attending a party or trying a new networking event that I will make a friend who is also dying for a quiet cup of coffee while chatting about life, or who wants to take a trip to the beach just so we can lay side by side and read in complete silence.”

      Exactly so.

    • Corina H says:

      Just beautiful and accurate. Thanks for writting this

    • Ray Smith says:

      Your comment made me laugh out loud because I can identify with it so much. Thank you for sharing it. I love “Ryan goes by R. Yan”. I may try that myself. And “laughing at all the jokes you can’t here” is something I live daily – mostly because of ringing in the ears. But I also identify with not being able to hear in crowded gatherings due to all the noise. Thank you!

    • Timothy Stevens says:

      OMG. This describes me – to a tee. Great article!

    • Jonathan B says:

      I would make a little tweak in terms of why introverts go to such gatherings, without disagreeing with your overall point. As you’ve said, extroverts build energy from interacting with other people where Introverts expend energy to interact with other people.

      I would state the purpose of going anyway as: introverts are willing to expend the energy, if they have it, provided they see that some value/benefit is received for the expense. Since shallow small talk doesn’t provide a perceived value of its own, then it’s a waste of energy unless they can find some other value in the situation to make it worthwhile.

      The one thing I would change is the blanket statement of finding new people for deeper connection as being a universal motivation for introverts. Judging by the comments, that search for someone to connect deeply with is the value you personally have found in the situation and a lot of others gain that same value from it; but there are also other introverts in the comments who don’t share that particular motivation. They still make the same decision and have the same view of small talk, just the benefit they find to be worth it may differ.

      For instance, I’ve gone to a party before not because I was expecting to meet anyone new but simply because the person who invited me was valuable to me, and I was willing to expend the energy because it would make them happy that I was there. That was the particular benefit that made it worth the expenditure of energy. Another example might be going to a concert to see the band perform live, even though it means hanging out with a bunch of noisy strangers. Or attending an industry symposium because there are some speakers from whom you hope to learn even though it means socializing with your colleagues during breaks.

      None of it a disagreement with the substance of what you wrote and especially your title lead, just pointing out the motivational factor that made it worthwhile might be different for different introverts.

    • Hlava v oblacich|hovno na bote says:

      You took the words right out of my mouth 🙆

    • jessblue says:

      “When I socialize, I’m not looking for a way to just pass the time.” Yeah, this is true of most people, introverted or extroverted. EVERYONE wants the types of interaction you are talking about. And no one likes small talk- it’s just what you have to do before you get to the good stuff.

    • Mats Brisenfeldt says:

      An absolutely fantastic article Rachel!

    • Carolyn Nelson says:

      I’m an extrovert and agree TOTALLY!!

    • Marian Conneely says:

      I agree about talking to people to have meaningful conversation rather than trivial social chit chat. I disagree that extroverts like me only talk to people for entertainment or stimulation…..we too like to talk to people to find out their stories and their deepest concerns. It is just easier for us. 😊

    • Vinicius Sesti says:

      quite a weak line of thought and a bit ridiculous to say the least. introvertion isn’t anywhere close to being a preference for “deep interactions” or whatever you seem to be presenting here (neither is it uncomfort/anxiety from social interactions – you’re mistaking introvertion with shyness)

      the idea you are conveying here (with quite a big deal of an “air of superiority”) is that typical social interactions are not interesting because they are too shallow and they quickly become way too unbearable, uncomfortable, anxiety-inducing yadda yadda because you are so superior to that since shallow conversations are pointless. I’m not even going to start on the “investment” part because that’s plain bullshit

      you are not making claims about introversion at all, you are just sounding arrogant and foolish by talking about how-oh-so-interesting you are unlike everyone else. from my observations, people who make these claims the most are usually the least interested in such things because it’s all talk. iI could bet on how this is the case

    • Bodynsoil says:

      I’m happiest when I’m alone or with my closest friends and family. I love being an introvert and just being in the moment.

    • Heidi Ahmad says:

      “When I socialize, I’m not looking for a way to just pass the time. I already have a full list of hobbies and interests and not enough hours in the day to enjoy them all. But I am always looking for a new person with whom I can share my passions and my world. ” sums it up really well 😀 I also hate public transportation like the plague -_-

    • I agree. Small talk is the worst. It is so exhausting and just seems like the biggest waste of time. It doesn’t matter who you are, I could love you like a sister, but if you are trying to make small talk with me, I just hear Charlie Brown’s teacher and I want to snap my fingers and say “wrap this up…get to the point.” Basically if there is NO point…I don’t want to spent time talking about it.

    • retrogeegee says:

      Thanks, I needed to know there are others like me! Also appreciate the push to keep out there. So true, it;s so worth it when you find a kindred spirit.

    • Pawol Geedee says:

      I’m so grateful for your perspective and to hear what works for you! Thank you for your words. As an immense extrovert, I do often struggle to understand introverted perspectives. I did not relate to your descriptions of extroverts, but that’s okay! I would rather everyone learn more about one another than pretend we have all the answers.

      Shallow interactions do feel frustrating or simply not as valuable. Pointless discussions or comments leave me disheartened because it feels much more powerful to get to the heart of who a person is and what is important to them. I simply have more energy to power through it. I call this “extrovert privilege.” To me, one’s social energy does seem to be a different measurement than what their desired social achievement or outcome is, but I recognize how easily excess talking can sound unfocused and therefore shallow. Call it nervous banter hoping someone will care, maybe. I’m a pretty anxious person regardless, so it’s almost like a defense mechanism to keep moving forward.

      When depressed, that extrovert privilege goes away, so suddenly every interaction feels critical, like reaching for love with a fog blocking the way. And I imagine with limited social energy all or most of the time, that effect is amplified. Is that true? If so, it definitely makes sense to cull the inane. But if anything please remember that people from all energy levels can despise the shallow, and here’s hoping you find as many beautiful souls in the world as you can.

      Thanks again for your words, and thank you for making an effort to help there be more understanding in the world!

    • Teal Postula says:

      its not WHAT we say in casual conversations, that is important…it’s THAT we are making connection.. the article acknowledges this, The casual conversations are how we initiate and establish deep friendships, Also as being one ( whom as my daughter jokes” mommy would talk to a lamp”), i make many ,what i would call ” five minute friendships” Yes its talking about the weather with someone on line at the bank, or about gardening with neighbors having coffee in their front porches as i walk by, but it’s not just for casual excitement, this reinforces my sense of being connected to everyone and everything. the less we see people as ” the other” the more we are reminded that connection and compassion are the goal..

    • skye smiggle says:

      I don’t mind the actual small talk too much, what I don’t like is when the other person is not very engaged & the conversation is mainly one sided. If your not going to be fully present ( or at least mostly!) in the ‘small talk’ please don’t bother talking with me!

    • Scott Painter says:

      Why does everyone treat introvert/extrovert like it’s a Ford VS Chevy competition. It’s not introverts that hate shallow small talk, it’s the THINKING vs FEELING that does.

      Unless you are going to factor in the other 3 parts of the Myers Briggs profile, you are not giving good info.

    • Desere Orrill says:

      This article made me smile as I can truly identify with the writer. I dream of those conversations that make it all worthwhile and have from time to time had them when I was least expecting to. For example, on a plane over the Atlantic. In a bar in Frankfurt. At a wedding in Boston. But sadly never in my own town or circle. But i never give up hope.

    • andy stegall says:

      There’s nothing I hate more than being forced into a social contract with someone that I don’t know and will likely never seen again.

      The worst job for an introvert is retail. When I was younger I worked at a grocery store and always identified with Randal Graves’ line from Clerks: This job wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for the customers. Helping people find stuff sucked, even though I could deal because it was part of the job, but it really annoyed me if it was just apparent that couldn’t be bothered to look in the first place. What really pissed me off was the stupid little niceties I was expected to take and give them a mercy smile. I couldn’t count the amount of times some idiot would say as they brushed past me “Hey don’t work too hard!” or “Having fun yet?” My desire to remain employed was the only thing that spared them from a verbal beat down.

      Why do people feel the need to do that? Can’t they just shut their stupid faces for five Goddamn minutes? Why am I the bad guy because I don’t give you the pity chuckle and smile at your little joke that I’ve heard a million times? How are you not the bad guy for interrupting my day with your petty, meaningless bullshit? If you start talking at, not to, someone who doesn’t want to talk to you, isn’t that rude? They always told us treat the customers like you want to be treated. When I shop I want to be left alone. I don’t want people interrupting me as I’m trying to get in and out as quickly as possible so I can move on with my day. On the off chance that I need help, I’ll ask, but only if I need It and not before. Don’t ask me how my day’s going because I know you don’t care, and I don’t care about your day. Shut your mouth and walk away.

      I can only be thankful that I don’t work that job anymore. It was awful and not something I want to repeat.

    • Rosemarie says:

      Yes, all of it very true. Thanks for a great article! 🙂

    • Michelle Schlund says:

      besides being , introverted INFJ,HSP, I am the depths of deep grief over the drowning death of my only child, my son. No one seems to have anything to say, that I have any desire whatsoever to hear. And I don’t have anything to say that anyone has any clue about or real desire to hear. Since my son’s death, the meaningless babble has only gotten much worse , as people say anything to avoid the giant elephant in the room, that now goes everywhere with me.

    • Rose says:

      O have been labeled as an extrovert–but this and many other “introvert” essays have described me perfectly….strange. I’m very social and talkative, but yet I hate small talk. Though I indulge in it quite often, it drains me and I would rather spend time talking about something meaningful, or simply just reading.

    • Diane Johnson Cosgrove says:

      Spot on 🙄

    • Christian says:

      I very much appreciate your viewpoint and agree with most of what you say. Please, however, learn and use the verbs “lie” and “lay” correctly if you are going to write for the public: “…a trip to the beach so we can LIE side by side” is correct.

    • James Martin Moran says:

      You deserve an award for this article. A tour-de-force that every book loving introvert will cherish, bookmark, share and reread. Thank you.

    • Tia DeFye says:

      Many people assume I’m introverted because I’m shy and awkward, but when I talk to people I come off as charming. Even my own husband (and extrovert) doesn’t understand why I don’t like to socialize. But he doesn’t get that socializing and being charming and trying to deal with shallow conversation is like performing for a crowd, and if you had to perform for hours at a time, every day, all day, you’d get exhausted too.

    • Danny Lee Davis Jr says:

      It’s a tad eerie how every word of this feels like my very own. I like to say I never learned how to talk to girls because my book was so big I couldn’t see around it:) That’s still a close tie for my attention most days, even if I already read the book.

    • Karen Elligers says:

      I generally test as an extrovert, but I really love this article… Rachel does a great job of explaining her introverted dilemma of wanting to make connections, while wishing not to spend too much time in mindless socializing. Much better, IMO, than some other columnists who throw invective at extroverts!

      Thank you, Rachel, for your balanced perspective; it was insightful and eye-opening to me – people usually are interesting, I think. Best, Karen

    • Sentjurc says:

      Thank you!! I came away last night from a party (and as I have stopped drinking it was even more painful) and I realized I was surrounded by people that felt like they were truly connecting with each other. However, the sad reality is they were tipsy and talking about boring nonsense. It was exhausting pretending to be captivated by everyones “epic stories”. I left, and questioned maybe I’m a freak, and can’t socialize. But I love one-on-one friendships, and then I found your article which was great! I think the dominant worldview is that you must be an extrovert to be happy. You need to be surrounded by crowds of smiling people in your instagram and facebook, and you should fear standing alone, or being seen doing anything by yourself. But that’s rubbish!


    • Alex Macfarlane says:

      Im moving into this kind of place in life relatively recently. I experienced pretty bad bullying throughout most of my childhood, which during my later school years grew into a monstrosity of a shit show, was ostracised by a large chunk of my schools population. Needless to say I ended up with a lot of trauma and baggage, plus a huge distrust of people in general. Add on top a generally introverted/sensitive temperament and blammo, fun for my soul for years.

      So later in my life (around mid-late twenties, im now 32), I chose to switch career paths, and pursued training as a counsellor/therapist. This was perfect for me, on a personal level, as i excel in 1:2:1 relationships where depth is not just preferred but expected, much to my chagrin training as a Person-centred counsellor also included group work. LARGE groups, of 20+ people, all in a circle, sharing personal stuff, impressions of each other etc. Needless to say all my defenses/traumas and general childhood shit came flying out all of my pores. But I persevered, and actually learnt a hell of a lot about my introvert/sensitive temperament & needs, as well as making a good start on healing some of my wounds and crap.

      Now I have qualified (4yrs later), and am starting up my own counselling practice, networking, groups and general socialising play a big part in this, but Im okay with it. Part of me hates it, internally grumbles/groans, wants to pull the bedcovers over my head and exist in books/films and my own head, but I can give that part of me a mental hug. And know that ultimately it wont be that bad, I’ve learnt some confidence (‘fake it till ya make it’ :D) and will get something out of the experience. Even if it is the lesson that I don’t really gel with certain people and wont pursue more interaction with them.

      And I cannot give enough props to my best mate, who I met on my counselling training course, (the two of us ended up going to Thailand on holiday, after only knowing each other, in a general way, for about four months, so that was a total ‘out of my comfort zone’ experience, but majorly worth it). She is awesome, and more socially orientated that I am. So when she throws parties at her place and invites a load of people I dont know, I still dread it, but she has an eye out for me & I always end up having a decent-great time. Best friends who you can be totally open with are awesome.

      Shits & Giggles 🙂

    • Melissa says:

      I am a major introvert. I’m not much into talking. I rather find someone to kick back with and watch a movie, or play a game with. Or if we’re outdoors, just lay on the beach and enjoying the moment, watching the stars. Usually when I do talk, it’s a statement or 2, than I move onto another topic. Not into long conversations about the same thing, unless it’s something I’m really passionate about.

    • Sarah Armstrong says:

      This is a good article that really explains what its like to be an introvert, although I am long past the days when I would force myself to socialize, for me its just not worth it , 95% of the people out in the world are extrovert assholes who don’t like us introverts anyway and its just not worth wading through them. Too many good books to read, too many good movies to watch. I’d rather be on my own, people just ain’t worth the hassle.

    • Matthew Palmer says:

      Understandably, you mention reading at the go-to for introverts. I suggest that many people use things like running, kayaking, writing, and dishes to recharge and be alone. I reasonate so well with all of this article. Your perspective is so true and good to hear in such a thought through manner. Thank you for sharing.

    • Jenna Plouffe says:

      I liked the perspective. I felt out of place for a long time among a lot of outgoing extroverts. Thank you for sharing!

    • smilingvulture says:

      Charles Bukowski, “I don’t hate people, I just feel better when they aren’t around.

      never seen that quote before – love it

      ” because I’m out there looking for you”


    • Skitzoidlady says:

      I have no issues socializing. I can make small talk with the best of them. It just drains me to the point of exhaustion, and I find I have to get up at some point and get away from everyone else. Even among really close friends I find this to be the case. It really confuses my husband why I become so angsty when we are preparing for a large crowd to come over to our house. It’s kind of hard to slip away to a quiet place when you are the host.

    • Joyanne Ludington says:

      Met most of my friends online. If were close enough, we eventually meet up in person whee/when practical, but being online takes the sting out of social interactions. But its still super rare for me to go out. I live in a small toen and i dont know how many others there are with my common interests around who are my age.

    • Mary Jo Heacock says:

      Can I hate people because they are shallow socializers?

    • brownin329 says:

      Thank you for this. I am trying to find more information on finding a more suitable career, and every blog post I’ve read has been about introverts having to become extroverted to be successful. One of the things these ‘advisors’ constantly bring up is networking, socializing, or just plain sharing, but it all seems so mundane and banal. Small talk is annoying as hell. I’ve resorted to being my company’s evil $&^hole in order to get people to leave me alone. I just hate having to be so standoffish all the time. They won’t take me seriously otherwise.

    • John says:

      Sounds a lot like depression or bio-polar

    • Christina Kuhn says:

      Daria….. I remember a friend once told me I was just like her. I’d never seen the show, but when I saw a clip, it was like looking into a mirror back in those days… 🙂

      And I do agree, I actually am happiest with a good balance of getting out vs. staying at home. And I can be perfectly happy WATCHING people or being around people without actually having to talk to them. Hahahaha… 🙂 Sometimes just getting out and watching people interact is enough.

      And I have far too memories of high school dances where I either hid in another room talking to someone on a deeper level or munching on the chips in hiding. 🙂

    • Esther Corley says:

      YUP! Just add in moving into a retirement home and having to eat a meal a day with people who either don’t talk, won’t talk, aren’t interesting, can’t hear, don’t have interesting lives. I so long to have my old life WITH MY HUSBAND (he is deceased) back!!!!!
      P.S. I have a friend who belongs to Mensa and she says they’re all weird!

    • blisslala says:

      This is so perfect. “I hate people” has become my go to phrase, and I’m always like, but I’m not actually that dark and pessimistic. (only slightly…)

      I just want to ask everyone what time they were born (I’m an astrologer) and open the portal of deep seeded issues they may have had with their mothers stemming from karmic relationships in past lives. but noooo let’s talk about what you majored in in college. * vomit *

    • Grace Aglow says:

      Reasing this article makes me feel like someone has been seriously watching my whole life. Nail on the head!

    • Michael Lytle says:

      I once went to a party and started drawing, and then asked other people how to draw a rose and we started to cooperate and talk over the task. This and other intellectually challenging games or activities are how I break my own bubble of introversion. I wont usually go out of my way to act in common with social butterflies, but It helps to have a common branch on which to perch; if there are other caterpillars or cocoons on the branch it gets even easier.

    • MH11 says:

      I just stay at the house.. Much easier…. I’m content being by myself 24-7. I have my 1-2 friends and thats all I need as I dont feel the need to put in effort to make anymore. My lack of empathy doesnt help me either. If you watch TV.. I’m a mixture of Bones and Dexter minus the serial killing and brain smarts of Bones lol.

    • Patricia Lulu says:

      it seems to me that some people who are extroverted dont like to talk about deep things because it may be painful for them because of trauma or theyre too emotional. or maybe they think its “cool” to act as if nothing bothers them

      • mille100piedi says:

        I am extrovert and I suffer of muscle dystrophy, I have no problem to talk about my condition. I just don’t like play the victim role. I know people that like spending their time moaning this doesn’t mean that their problem is worse then mine it just means that they like moaning

    • Element of Kindness says:

      Great article!
      While my younger years, I was definitely an introvert, mainly due to not having a handle on anxiety issues, and a total loss of trust of anyone who was actually trying to befriend me, because of the cruelty that younger people possessed in school. Now later in life, I’ve gotten a check on the anxiety (mostly) and in general, have somewhat become an extrovert, (easily entering conversation with anyone) however I remain anti-social, with no desire going to parties or events. In fact, I feel like I don’t belong at an event when I do go to one, the feeling being something like an outsider looking in. So not sure if I would be labeled introvert or extrovert, but either way, I can see my early year’s social development, or rather the lack of, has taken its toll upon me now. Add to that, around a decade ago, my trust in family was betrayed, when I took issue with a family member involved in immoral behavior, and apparently money was more important than family, and the rest of family sided with the immoral, but financially advantageous side. I saw a very ugly side of humans, and it was from my own family. It was then that I basically disowned my own family to prevent any more hurt, and escape a constant mental hostility. The relief was instant, but cost me a family, and haven been betrayed of trust from family, has resulted in me not being able to trust anyone enough to ever form more than a mild acquaintance with other people. (if one can’t trust in family, how can one trust in anyone?) It hurts, and I cry sometimes. I know it’s up to me if things are ever going to change, but it is really hard to tear down the barriers knowing there is very likely hurt and pain waiting on the other side.

    • mille100piedi says:

      I am an extrovert and I usually like introverts and I like having a good conversation with them. I do like introverts that are a bit too shy to start a conversation but I don’t like introverts that feel superior to others and will not make any effort to socialize. I suffer of muscle dystrophy, I use to have a lot of energy but unfortunately now is not so much so I am very careful with whom I am going to spend my energy. Extroverts can have very deep conversation too, being an extrovert doesn’t mean being shallow and stupid. Having muscle dystrophy can be very sad and boring, but when I meet someone I certainly will not talk about how sad my life is because the person I talk to can have their problems too. I do not think too much about my situation when I am with somebody, it is not all about me, what I like or what I don’t like. If you are self cantered is not point trying to socialize because socializing is about giving and receiving. If you just pretend to take what you like is not going to work and it is going to be a very boring conversation. There is nothing wrong if you don’t like to spend time talking and socializing with others or you can’t turn a boring conversation in a very interesting one, but at the end of the day you can’t blame other people if you don’t have the skills to do so.

    • kkaymccc says:

      Me. Fort Myers now…

    • Brandon Mack says:

      This fits me to a glove. It’s hard to tell people I’m an introvert because your telling it to strangers and is something personal I don’t want to share off the bat. This makes me feel so much better!

    • pigbitinmad says:

      I am not so sure about that. I think it’s because we hate people…most people anyway.

    • Rebecca Duff says:

      Yes, this is so true! Personally I hate small talk, I quite honestly don’t know what to say or talk about…. But as soon as I start feeling like “Wow, ok I got the hang of this” or “I’m starting to enjoy myself” then I let my guard down, say something stupid and make a fool out of myself –> Am I the only one that does this?

    • Ruth Cruz says:

      💚 Breath-taking.

    • Liam Kirk says:

      The part about socialising just to pass (waste) time is so accurate I don’t understand it.