An Introvert Wonders: Are My Expectations for Love Unobtainable?

“You’ll always be looking for something better,” he said. “What you want is unobtainable.” These statements came in a heated moment shortly after I softly let him know I didn’t think we were going to work. These words from a man I valued—and hurt.

His words hit home because they let in a whisper of wonder and doubt. Am I doomed in love? Am I too selective? Do I choose unobtainable men? Do I have unrealistic expectations?

Will I Always Be Alone?

Sasha Cagen’s words, from her book Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics, hit close to home: “For the quirky alone, there is no patience for dating just for the sake of not being alone. We want a miracle. Out of millions, we have to find the one who will understand.”

I started to wonder, am I quirky? Will I forever be alone? Honestly, I don’t think so but…

I did get excited when I saw a profile that read, “You have never met anyone like me.” I geeked out even more when I read the rest of his profile and determined he wasn’t conceited. He seemed different in a smart and enlightened way. I almost peed my pants when he “liked” my photos and emailed me. I got energy from his words. We talked about meeting in person and then… he disappeared off Match.

Unobtainable? Check.

I’m Special So You Have to Be Special Too

Do I hold out for the extraordinary because I think I have something special to offer? Perhaps. As an introvert and a highly sensitive person, I look at individuals differently than others do. I zero in on the sparkling facets of their inner world. I buff and polish those facets with warmth and safety until that person feels more alive than they did before they met me. I’ve been told I’m comforting, healing, and akin to dopamine. Essentially, I help others shine.

If they draw out my light as well, then I give with my whole being. I don’t hold back.

What I Want in a Partner

In true introvert fashion, I have deeply examined (overanalyzed?) the qualities I seek in a partner. All of which come with the caveat that my children be embraced and cherished as well (there goes more than half the herd).

Here they are in no particular order:

1. Inspiring intelligence. Nothing sexier than a brilliant mind. Bright conversation ignites the brain and makes sparks fly.  Sapiosexuality, baby.

2. A willingness to help and support. Introverts are constantly aware of our leaking energy. If we want any energy left over for scintillating conversation and awesome sex, we’re going to need some help with the daily grind and decision-making.

3. Respect and validation. It’s easy for introverts to feel inferior in our lack of ability to go-go-go and socialize endlessly. Make us feel like highly valued equals and we’ll do whatever it takes to protect and nourish the relationship.

4. Deep, deep, emotional intimacy. We get each other. We load our conversations with thought-provoking ideas and vulnerable admissions. We look at the world in the same way. We intuitively understand each other’s hurts, needs, loves, and aspirations. We communicate with lively ease. We could talk all night but don’t need to because we are in tune in silence as well.

5. Understanding of the need for space and connection. Allow me to bathe in solitude but extend an invitation to join you afterward. Let me know you’ll be there when I’m ready to intertwine.

6. Sweet sensuality. Slow and spiritual most of the time. Hot and fast occasionally. This can be epic if we dare to blend beautifully. Depth in physical connection. I don’t do casual. There is too much energy loss in meaningless.

7. Dynamic and kind. I will feel your energy. Is it compassionate and interested in making the world a better place? I’m partial to nonjudgmental idealists. Pessimism and negativity drain me, so I abstain.

Beautifully High Expectations Met

Dear God! I am going to be alone forever, I thought as I typed the above list. It’s becoming clearer and clearer that I am dangerously particular. Dangerous in that there may never be an individual who lives up to these ideals. Unsettling in that I will likely hurt others along the way in my search.

And yet, over these last few years of dating, I have experienced a near perfect coupling. I have danced in blissful partnership. I have nailed the spiritual, physical, and emotional trifecta. I did stop looking for something better. More than once, I found the miracle, the one out of millions who understands me.

Yes, I lost one and never fully obtained the other but those partners were worth the wait and effort. They filled me with energy and I believe I did the same for them.

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At some point, Mr. One in a Million will enter my life or I will leap into love that doesn’t fit my criteria and find I was wrong about what I needed.

But for now, alone is better than settling for less. Alone is easier than bleeding energy in a pretend relationship. Alone is where I won’t break any hearts or have mine broken. Alone is where I will discover what I have to offer the world.

How particular are you? Are you willing to wait for the miracle or do you need to be coupled? What are your must-haves in a partner?  retina_favicon1

This article was originally published on It is republished here with permission from the author.

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