5 Struggles You’ll Relate to If You’re a Female INTP

IntrovertDear.com INTP female struggles

Growing up as an INTP female, I always felt a little bit like, well, a freak. I never seemed to fit in with the other girls. In my adult years, I can’t say much has changed. In many ways, I meet the INTP stereotypes, literally to a T. Logic guides most of my decisions. I’ve been called “critical” more times than I can count. Video games and virtual worlds are much more comfortable for me than the actual world. And from school to work, I have long been shot with the accusation that I’m “not meeting my potential.” Being a female INTP, I make up just 2 percent of the population. In the past, I really did try my best fit in, but over time I’ve learned to say, “F*ck it, this is me.”

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If you’re an INTP female like me, here are five struggles you can probably relate to. I can’t speak for every INTP, but I believe this list is generally true:

1. Significant others call me “confusing.” As an INTP, explaining my feelings has never been my forte. Conversations about emotions make my brain automatically say “abort mission.” They say communication is key to relationships and yet that has probably been the one thing I struggle with the most. When I begin to feel emotions in a relationship, I tend to keep them to myself, hoping that through my actions the other person will simply “figure it out.” Many times, however, that has left me in situations where I and the other person are on completely different pages. This was the case recently with a guy I was casually dating. He ended up thinking our relationship was a lot more than it was. Me not being able to accurately communicate in that situation left him labeling me as “too confusing” and writing me off. His loss.

2. I’m comfortable with chaos. INTPs rarely live their lives in an overly structured or organized manner. I myself am often absent-minded to a fault and hardly take notice of a mess even if I am living in it. For my entire life, there has always been a large pile of clothes, shoes, and other things on my bedroom floor. Mundane tasks, such as cleaning and organizing, just feel impossible if not unnecessary. While living in my college dorm, I lost my hairdryer for a solid week and accused numerous dorm mates of taking it. Only later did I discover that it was under a massive pile junk on top of my bed. I literally had been sleeping on it for a week. Have I mentioned I hate cleaning?

3. My authenticity is often questioned. Like I said, in a lot of ways, I meet the INTP stereotypes. Consequently, I often contradict the stereotypes for females. This leaves me in many situations where men question if I am being “authentic.” Once on a Tinder date, I brought up that I spend a good amount of time playing my PS4. When we got back to his place, he handed me his Xbox controller and told me to “prove my self-proclaimed gaming skills.” To say the least, I never went out with him again. Yes, I enjoy videos games. No, I do not just say that to appeal to men. And no, I am not going to prove myself to anyone.

4. Self-care just isn’t a top priority. The expectation of self-care for females is ridiculously unfair in my opinion. That being said, I consequently struggle to keep up. Washing my hair every day, or even every other day, just feels like far too much effort to me. Dry shampoo is a lifesaver. Putting on makeup every day for my office job is draining. Finding different outfit combinations seems like a waste of energy; sometimes I truly miss school uniforms.

5. Relating to other females is a challenge. Making conversation around the office or at social events is something that I’ve never quite fully understood. I’m terrible at small talk. I can’t see the point of it, nor am I able to think of trivial questions with ease. The best approach I’ve learned is to copy the conversation starters I’ve heard from others. “Nice shoes, where did you get them?” is one of my main go-to phrases. And while it might seem like it, no, I am not a robot.

While dating or being a friend to an INTP might seem like a challenge, there are some perks. Getting us out of the solitude of our bedrooms might take some work, but, if you can, we love to engage in stimulating conversations. We don’t demand much of people, we’re easy-going, and what many don’t expect is that INTPs truly appreciate affection. Take the time to let us get comfortable with you before writing us off, because we’re worth the effort. retina_favicon1

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Read this: 7 Things INTPs Wish You Knew About Them

    • joslynna jackson

      One like this and two completely relate.

    • Lou

      True for me, esp #s 2,4,and 5. I didn’t think #2 was true for me, but then I looked around my bedroom at the piles of mail and clothes. My SI doesn’t call me confusing; he calls me a slob. Check. For #4, self care…yes, yes, yes; I’m just not into make up and jewelry and stuff like that. I feel a little shlumpish around well-groomed women at times but I’m just not into it. I’ll get a haircut or a manicure and then let myself go again. I love the recent trend toward having a wardrobe of the same kind of clothes, like a uniform, that’s me! Check! #5, yup, don’t make female friendships easily, check check check!

    • Jimbaux!

      I’m a male INTP, and I’m very tempted to get into a pointless comparison about how male INTPs have it worse than female INTPs, primarily due the gender expectations upon males, but, as I said, that comparison is pointless because there’s no way to prove it, and I’m sure that other factors affect both of our lives!

      You wrote, “Relating to other females is a challenge.”

      Yeah, well, for a male INTP, relating to other males is a real challenge!

      Thanks for sharing this. Thanks for making me feel okay for being something not as bad as a pile person! But I am still somewhat messy. Once in a while, I get sick of my own messiness, get fired up about it, and go on a massive cleaning binge that might take days. Can you relate?

      I appreciate you writing this. I can’t imagine that pressure to wear makeup that most women face. I’ve known a few women who have just said “to hell with it” and do without makeup, but, yeah, for me, combing my hair and shaving can be a big chore!

    • Neither Night

      That’s true. I’m still a girl but I wondered who I am and which place I belong until the moment I found I am an intp-a. It’s easy to live now though I sometimes doubt my intpness. Right now I’m feeling down. Really so down. If you don’t mind can you tell something what to do? Sorry if this is confusing you. I’m still learning English.

      • Veri Si Secur

        Your grammar is better than mine sometimes is, and I’m a native English speaker. I think that defining yourself with a personality type can temporarily give comfort, but I find knowing my belief that I am a son of God who understands me far more satisfying. Just a few months ago I went through the same thing, I thought I was an INTP, but now I’ve decided that I am not.

        By the way, what is your native language?

    • Someone8709

      Other than the self-care one (provided it’s something I can do *alone*– I am REALLY not a fan of getting my hair cut or going for massages or any of that stuff where there’s expected small talk and other people touching me) this is pretty much me to a tee. Staying in and doing a facemask (usually while reading or playing videogames or being online)? I’m fine with that.

      And chaos? Chaos is the natural order. 🙂 The way I see it, it’s about remaining flexible.

    • Jim

      INTP male here. The only thing I take issue with is your statement:

      “Me not being able to accurately communicate in that situation left him
      labeling me as “too confusing” and writing me off. His loss.”

      I’ve been dating a more feely type for a couple years now, and I’ve found this philosophy doesn’t really work. I’ve tried to just let her figure me out, but what usually happens is that my tendency for fairly neutral external emoting has made that hard to do. So, I can be in a lot of pain or frustration, and it’s hard to tell. I would get irritated at her for a while, since it’s much easier for me to read her than it is for her to read me. But ultimately, I’ve found that learning to if not verbalize my emotions, verbalize what’s causing them has been quite helpful. I’ve become a bit more complete as well. : )

      And I don’t like the “His loss” idea. If you are consistently confusing, maybe guys are just afraid of that, and afraid of the “extra” work you would present them in dating. Sometimes we must see flaws in ourselves.

      • Nachann

        @ Jim
        You have a point about “verbalising” emotions. But the bottom line remains that this is a tedious, treacherous and confusing task for most INTXs.

        It is most important to keep it “cool” and give the “waiting time” as consistently as possible.

        When people try to press an answer out of me, the more significant piece of information is not anymore that “this person REALLY wants to know what I feel, so think about it and answer”. Instead, what sticks in my mind is now “this person is getting riled up by something that I did, and I don’t know what it is so I have to think and find out what it is and then find a solution to this new problem”. So, you see where the caveat lies?

        When someone I care about gets overly emotional over something that concerns me (good or bad) I in turn become even more restless than I was before, because I need to find a way to calm them FIRST before I can process my original concerns.

        This is by far my BIGGEST issue when it comes to relating with Feeling types, to the point that I have no choice but block them out when they are in such intense maelstroms of nega/positivity. It’s about asserting and respecting my and people’s boundaries as well, since no one can ever direct the emotions of someone else.

        When it comes to spending time with others, I find that INTx are perceived by others as “weird” because they apply rational methods to what people think should be “instinctual” (read: “spontaneous”). So when non-INTx males approach a quiet-looking INTx woman with the (subconscious but undeniable) expectation that she will be harbouring “romantic” (read: “fuzzy and warm”) thoughts and behaviours, the shock is HARD to absorb.

        And THIS, you will NOT know about, unless you are an INTx woman (sorry, INTx males).

        So, INTx women who are said to be “confusing” aren’t so per se. It’s rather that the people interacting with them are not perceptive (intuitive?) enough to spot where the “weirdness” comes from, and therefore can’t find the right means to handle it. This to me speaks for lack of compatibility.

        I will finish by saying that there is no such thing as “extra work” when there is a genuine will to build bridges and meet in the middle. We often want to “work” at relationships because for some BS reason we are repeatedly told that it is more important to “stay together” like mismatched pair of shoes than to grow (and gain!) as individuals within a (successful) partnership.

        Still, I agree with you that the idea of “loss” doesn’t really make sense when you consider the big picture and the long-term prospects of meeting and relating with people you truly have an easy time getting on with.

    • Nachann

      I think anyone can relate to these issues, but more so INTX in general.
      The main hurdle in relating to others, I’ve come to realise, is “EMOTING”. Because that is the primary way most people can figure out emotions. I said “most”, because I find that INTXs and IxFXs have ZERO issues figuring out what is going on in someone’s head/heart. And on top of that, when they are well-balanced, they usually have no problem stepping in to soothe/smooth things/the situations out.

      Personally, I think that there are lots of great people with excellent gifts and dazzling personalities. However, a recurring problem for me is that most of the Extraverts I know sort of EXPECT everyone to relate to them one way or another. I don’t know why, but it seems that their bombastic views of the world tend to network everything back to them. So if they spout a joke, or throw a wink or make a face and I (INTP woman) doesn’t react, they get “madder” and try to force a reaction out of me (supposedly because I “didn’t get it”). And this thing can go on for months and months before someone tells them that their behaviour is totally off-putting or before I straightforwardly tell them to “get a life”.

      More than anything, I would say my main struggle is that some people just can’t “see” other sides of an issue/a person/an outcome and their overbearing self-righteous ways (often not backed up by anything but “people have said that…”) are something I perceive as a total violation of my values. It’s sad to see that very few people are prepared to approach others with a blank slate in mind, instead, they will collect all sort of a priori gossip to fuel and direct their behaviour towards others, never doubting for a moment (until it is too late or they have gone too far painting the wrong picture) the factoids they have been told/feed.

      Needless to say, I just cannot and will never do the “crowd mentality” (fanatic?) approach that I witness day in/day out in the real world or even over the internet.

      Heck, I’m probably too individualistic for my own sake and sanity…