Clearly Slick Rick never met an introvert prior to writing his hit single “La Di Da Di (we like to party),” because partying is not the same for me as it is for others. Partying means being spread across my bed with some Blue Bell ice cream and my favorite anime playing on my laptop.
I decline invitations to go out so much that I rarely get invited out anymore (although my close friends unfortunately invite me out regardless of my anticipated decline). If you invite me out, don’t be annoying. What’s annoying, you ask? Lying to me by telling me that I will have fun. Or making up incentives for me like I’m your employee. The next time someone tries to over-convince me to go out, I’m going to ask for his or her soul in return. It seems fair to me.
Plus, being annoying could lead to me putting you on the “do not answer” list. I actually have most humans on that list.
The only way you can get me to go to a party is by promising that you will leave me alone for the next few days.
Because I am an introvert, of course I have to prepare myself mentally for a party, like I have to prepare myself for every other human interaction. I have vivid memories of sitting in the car for 10 or 15 minutes before going into a party. I know you’re thinking I used those minutes to check myself out in the mirror and make sure my toupee was moisturized, but unfortunately, you are wrong. Those minutes were used to think of what time I would leave, strategize how to dodge shallow conversations, and think of more new, rude ways to answer the “why are you so quiet?” question.
The small talk that happens at parties is so gross to us introverts. Small talk is an introvert’s kryptonite. It pains us to make it, because small talk is conversation that most likely did not have a genuine start. When I converse with others, I want the conversation to have long-lasting effects. I am not saying we need to go to Fiji afterward to get married, but spare me the “how ’bout those Colts” conversation that neither of us really wants to have.
Why am I so quiet? For starters, I don’t want to be here. The fact that you have me at a party is probably due to some jedi mind trick. And please for the love of Athena, do not ask me why am I so quiet! If I were to ask you why you talk so much, you would think I’m rude.
For some reason people will not let you be alone at a party. “Why are you standing over there alone? Come talk to us,” they say. My counter curse for that is, “Why are you walking up to me? Go to the nearest corner and be silent.”
I hate going to a party with someone who wants to stay the whole time. If you ride with me and let me drive, you have to be ready to leave within 45 minutes upon arrival. One hour is the maximum, but that is only if there is food involved.
My night is ruined if I have to spend three hours at the bar or at someone’s house, instead of just one hour. There are so many things I could do with those extra two hours that are wrongfully taken from me. I could be at home lying on the couch munching on snacks or looking up at my ceiling to see if it will finally speak to me.
The longer the night goes on, the more people will become drunk and think it is okay to talk to me. There’s only so much shallow conversation an introvert can take.
So the moral of the story is, give us introverts a break when it comes to parties. We don’t like to waste our breath or energy on shallow conversation, because every bit of our emotions and words are precious to us, just like butter cream icing on cake.
Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell. Criss Jami
Image Credit: Deviant Art