The Beautiful and Confusing Life of an INFJ

When it comes to the INFJ, the word’s rarest personality type, what you see isn’t always what you get.

Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Judging — these are the four traits that define the INFJ, the rarest Myers-Briggs personality type. Only 1-2 percent of the population are thought to be INFJs, so you might be one, like me. Or perhaps you’ve never encountered one and are curious about our mysterious (and sometimes dark) behavior.

Growing up, I wasn’t sure whether I was an introvert or an extrovert because I always felt somewhere in between, which was confusing. I showed many signs of an introvert, but I could also be outgoing and social when the situation called for it. After researching personality types and eventually discovering that I am an INFJ, things began to make more sense. After all, INFJs are often described as extroverted introverts.

INFJs aren’t just puzzling; we can be downright contradictory! Here are eight insights into my beautiful and confusing life as an INFJ.

INFJs are peculiar creatures. Unlock the secrets of the rare INFJ personality by signing up for our newsletter. Click here to subscribe.

The Life of the INFJ

1. I’m a people pleaser.

Like it or not, I naturally aim to please. As an INFJ, my intuition is strong, allowing me to pick up on others’ emotions, sometimes without them even saying a word. After all, INFJs are highly sensitive people who effortlessly read others’ body language and notice details that others might miss.

(Speaking of highly sensitive people, here are 27 “strange” things they do.)

Also, I despise confrontation, and to avoid it, sometimes I go out of my way to make others happy, even if it means sacrificing my own time or feelings. This tendency stems from the INFJ’s empathetic nature, and I’ve had to learn to set healthy boundaries in order to avoid INFJ burnout.

2. Your emotions are my emotions.

Everyone absorbs other people’s emotions at times, regardless of whether they are an INFJ or not. Think about how panic can quickly spread through a crowd, or how an inspiring song can lift everyone’s spirits at a church service. However, INFJs are akin to emotional sponges. Our high levels of empathy, paired with our intuition, mean that we not only pick up on someone’s mood, but often end up involuntarily mirroring those emotions.

This is exhausting, yet it enables us to deeply understand and strive to help others as best we can. Consider Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and Mother Teresa, two of the most famous INFJs. Though we are introverts, we often prioritize the needs of others above our own.

3. What you see isn’t always what you get.

My closest friends often forget that I’m actually an introvert. At first, I might seem quiet, but as I become more comfortable, I can transform into a lively, loud, and talkative person.

This transformation requires two special ingredients — the right people and enough time. As sensitive people, INFJs are highly attuned to their surroundings and those around them. It takes time for us to feel completely comfortable. Only a select few make it into our innermost circle of friends, which is why we prefer a few close friends over a large group of acquaintances.

4. The door slam isn’t an overreaction.

Ah, the INFJ door slam — it’s a common topic in any discussion about INFJs. The door slam is very real and can be quite complex. If you’re not familiar with the term, it refers to an INFJ decisively cutting someone out of their life, often suddenly and without prior warning.

Does that sound harsh and unjustified? Not to an INFJ. A door slam is a signal that we can no longer invest emotional energy into a relationship where it’s clear that our feelings and efforts will never be reciprocated. It can also happen when a relationship becomes toxic, such as when an INFJ has been targeted by a narcissist. Essentially, an INFJ has no more emotional energy to spare and would rather put that energy into something more productive or worthwhile.

5. But sometimes the door is left ajar.

Here’s a little INFJ secret. Not all doors will stay closed forever. I like to think of it as keeping the door ajar. It’s an INFJ saying, “The door is closed on you right now because it hurts too much to open it just yet. However, deep down, I really care and I might want to check on how you’re doing one day because you’re still important to me.”

What happens after I slam the door depends on the other person, my feelings at the time, and/or the situation. (Like I said, INFJs are complicated). If you’ve managed to have an INFJ let you back into their life, you’re a pretty big deal to them. This is no simple feat.

You can read more about the truth behind the INFJ door slam here.

6. I despise small talk.

It’s no secret. INFJs and most introverts hate small talk with a fiery passion of a thousand suns. We seek deep connections and meaningful conversations.

Telling me that you “can’t believe how cold it is” for the fifth time today does nothing but interrupt my inner monologue and leave me scrambling to utter some sort of sound of acknowledgment. I heard you, but I don’t know what to say because I still haven’t figured out how to properly do this.

That said, I’m slowly learning some tricks to turn small talk into more meaningful conversations, which you can read about here.

Do you ever struggle to know what to say?

As an introvert, you actually have the ability to be an amazing conversationalist — even if you’re quiet and hate small talk. To learn how, we recommend this online course from our partner Michaela Chung. Click here to check out the Introvert Conversation Genius course.

7. Too many interests, so little time.

My INFJ personality gives me plenty of time to enjoy my favorite thing — being alone! During that time, I’ve cultivated a vast number of hobbies and interests, like photography, theater, painting, playing piano, going to concerts, and reading. You get the picture.

As an introvert, it’s often hard for me to express myself, so I enjoy finding creative outlets that allow me to release my built-up emotions. However, having many different interests often leads to me feeling scattered and frustrated because I can’t settle on just one path. And whenever I start a new project or become interested in another subject, I turn into a perfectionist, learning everything I can about the topic and wanting to get every step just right.

Speaking of perfectionism…

8. No rest for the perfectionist.

I might be a people pleaser, but the hardest person to please is myself. When I invest my time and energy into something, I go all in. I might spend hours fussing over the tiniest details to achieve the result I envisioned so perfectly in my mind.

And when it’s not perfect, my stubborn side rears its head. I might shut down completely and procrastinate, or obsess and do nothing else until it’s perfect — I mean, finished.

To my fellow INFJs: Take time to find people who also enjoy deep, meaningful conversations — it’ll make you feel less alone as the world’s rarest personality type. Dive into your hobbies, but don’t stress about being perfect at all of them. Be gentle with yourself, and give yourself credit when you make a mistake. Relish your alone time. Being an INFJ is a beautiful, confusing life.

You might like:

This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products we truly believe in.