5 Things to Know About Being Friends With an INFJ

Processed with VSCO with hb2 preset

The INFJ is the rarest of the 16 Myers-Briggs personality types, making up only 1-2 percent of the population. As introverts, we’re selective about who we let into our lives, but once someone is in our inner circle, we form deep, long-lasting relationships with them. Are you fortunate enough to be friends with an INFJ? Here are 5 things you should know about us:

1. We’re not ignoring you, we’re just processing.

I promise that this silent nod and smile setup we have going on is not us ignoring you. INFJs aren’t daydreaming and hoping that you don’t ask us any questions. Quite the contrary. We’re analyzing what you’re saying and trying to jump on your train of thought. When my best friend is upset, I’m the quietest I’ve ever been. I’m listening to what she has to say and lining it up with my own experiences so that when I do talk, it’s meaningful and she can see that I get it. I try to connect with her in any way possible because I know how it feels to stand alone in the wake of your life falling apart. I don’t want her to be in the same position.


PH circle 2What’s your personality type? Knowing your type can help you leverage your natural strengths. Take the free test from our partner Personality Hacker.


2. We need time to rant.

INFJs tend to pick up on other people’s emotions and in some cases absorb them. If you’ve ever witnessed your INFJ friend fasten themselves to another person’s problem instead of worrying about the big flashing warning light hovering above their own head, then you’ve seen this feature in action. Unfortunately, by focusing on others, we end up neglecting our own problems. When left alone, those problems become a pressure cooker waiting to explode. When it’s time for us to explode, we need someone to unload to. We need to discuss our feelings and work through what’s stressing us out. Otherwise we feel like we are being edged out by others’ problems and that we don’t matter. Take the time to hear us out when we need to rant—even if it’s about a problem that you told us to fix about one hundred times already and we ignored your advice. If you listen to us, we will be forever grateful. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been emotionally distressed over a simple problem because I let that warning light above my head become critical.


3. We suffer from separation anxiety.

INFJs value long-term relationships, so as a side effect, we can be a little clingy. Do we show this clinginess? Probably not. But that doesn’t mean it’s not there. When we settle into a friendship and finally feel like we can just be, we’re weary that the other shoe will drop. In fairness, most of our relationships have ended when the other shoe dropped. When the person we trusted twisted our secrets into arrows and shot them at us. When the information we shared with them was used against us. So, we’re clingy. And with clinginess comes separation anxiety. When a friend or trusted loved one has been dodging our texts, and we haven’t seen them in a while, we feel inclined to fix the relationship. How? By worrying. What did we do wrong? Are they angry at us? Do we need to text them right now and fix everything? With this whirlwind of questions comes a pang of nostalgia and that intense feeling of missing you. So, please be kind to your INFJ friend when we text you out of the blue. We need confirmation that you’re still in our lives.

4. Don’t be offended that we haven’t shared everything with you.

Seriously, I’m like James Bond with my secrets. There are very few people who know about my most painful moments. Even fewer people have seen me cry. Like I said, INFJs yearn for long-term relationships. However, most of what we find are half-attempted friendships that leave us feeling drained. So, we end up keeping most of what we think and do to ourselves. We’ve been burned before. So, we give out personal information like gold coins. There’s more where that came from, sure, but what you receive is valuable to us, and now to you. It can be infuriating when you feel like you’re not connecting with someone. We hear you, we know, but we need time to see that this friendship won’t collapse under the weight of our unique crazy. Please don’t be offended that you don’t know every aspect of us. You will get there eventually.

5. If you want to get to know us, hang out with us one-on-one.

It’s only in private that we show our true colors. Think of us as roly poly bugs. If we are overwhelmed or startled, we curl into a protective, hard ball. We’ll sit and watch conversations but rarely contribute with personal substance. But if we are comfortable, we will be more open. Some of the best conversations I’ve had occur when I’m spending one-on-one time with someone. For example, one of my best guy friends and I had a very personal, hour-long conversation about snow and what it symbolized to each of us. It reminded him of his travels and the friends he met in places that snowed. For me, snow is the promise of Christmas and sweaters and all things comfortable. So, if you truly want to get to know us, get us alone. We might talk your ear off.  retina_favicon1

Read this: 10 Type Secrets of the INFJ Personality Type



    7 Comments

    • Joel Saito says:

      I definitely agree with #5, my strongest friendships are the ones who I spend time with 1 on 1. I use to think people got kind of weird that I wanted to hang out 1 on 1 but I’ve become much more comfortable about it and truly enjoy those long conversations about everything under the sun. I feel like my magic number is 2 or 3 people at once. I feel that I can still have my input heard but I can also wonder off in though if need be and not feel obligated to speak. Over the last few years I’ve spent more time with my younger brother as he is in college now and I feel like we built a stronger friendship because we spent so much time 1 on 1.

      Thanks for the cool article, its always nice to hear from fellow INFJs.

    • Rupali Grover says:

      Thank you for number 4, because some extroverts can easily say “so what if someone uses your information against you? Just open up and don’t care what people think.” An INFJ may be blamed (either they blame themselves or someone else blames them When someone complains about an INFJ being too private, it’s interesting how that same person can’t handle “unloading” that you need to share. Feeling emotionally safe to open up to someone means knowing that the person won’t criticize or shame us for what we tell you. Just be patient. When someone is ready to share more about themselves, they will do it when they are ready. 🙂

    • Rupali Grover says:

      There’s a typo. What I meant was ” An INFJ may be blamed (either they blame themselves or someone else blames them). When someone complains about an INFJ being too private, it’s interesting how that same person can’t handle the “unloading” that you need to share.

    • Lindsay Jeffs says:

      Hey that’s me in the picture you used!! Haha that’s so cool!

    • Hey that’s me in the picture you used! That’s so cool!

    • claire richardson says:

      lindsay were so cute

    Leave a Reply

    Leave a Reply