An Open Letter to Single INFJs Who Are Craving Connection

A single INFJ writes a letter.

Dear fellow INFJ,

I have written about the topic of love and the INFJ personality type quite a bit recently. This letter, however, is dedicated to INFJs who are not currently in a relationship. Being single can be difficult for any personality type. But for INFJs, it can be especially hard, because you crave deep connections with others and have a lot of love to give.

(What’s your personality type? Take a free personality test.)

I am familiar with the feeling of being let down because the love you thought you had didn’t work out. Trust me–even though it doesn’t feel like it right now, in the end, everything will be okay. However, this letter isn’t actually about love, at least not in the sense of finding a life partner. This letter is about self-love and the process of self-care.

You, my INFJ friend, try hard. You give and give until you feel you can’t give anymore. You give selflessly because it has never occurred to you to operate in any other way. Because of your generosity, you may have many friends in your life. Yet these friendships aren’t always enough. Your introverted nature can make you feel lonely when you lack the intimacy and romance you crave.

You do not have a relationship with someone else to focus on at the moment. But you do have something just as important (if not more important) to focus on right now–the relationship you have with yourself.

Being single means you have the time and energy to focus on your own life. It means you can do good things for yourself. So here are five ideas for self-care and growth:

1. Cultivate your friendships.

Having strong friendships will remind you that you are never alone. If you struggle with finding close friends, think about some people in your life who you find interesting.  Reach out to them. INFJs often wait for others to pursue them. But there is nothing wrong with making the first move. Ask someone to grab a coffee and talk for a while. The best way to get to know people is by spending one-on-one time with them.

2. Spend your free time doing things you truly enjoy.

Whatever it is you love doing, go do it. Being in a relationship can sometimes prevent us from spending our free time the way we want because we make compromises for the person we love. Being single gives you the freedom to do whatever you want. Take advantage of your free time. When you do get into a relationship again, you’ll be glad you went on that road trip or took that cooking class. You’ll have more confidence in your own abilities and new, exciting experiences to talk about.

3. Tap into your creative side.

Most INFJs are creative. Now, I know that sitting around watching Netflix all day can be a treat, but it can also lead to feelings of sluggishness. Doing something creative allows you to tap into your own emotions (which we seldom remember to do—we’re often focused on other people’s feelings). It leaves you with the feeling of having done something productive with your time. Start a blog, write a short story, draw a comic, or do whatever unleashes your inner creativity and self-expression.

4. Read more.

I don’t know about you, but I love to read. I always have. Getting lost in a good book is a comfort I can never accurately describe. If you are not a bookworm, try reading online articles that you enjoy or subscribe to a magazine. Reading is a great distraction, but it’s also beneficial for you to learn as much as you can.

Two books I recommend: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking (this will reassure you that as an introvert, your traits are your strengths) and The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (this helped me focus more on the present moment, which is something INFJs often struggle to do).

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5. Help someone in need.

This could mean volunteering through a charity or helping someone you know personally. Do you have a friend who needs someone to just listen? Be there for them. The INFJ personality type is nicknamed “the counselor” for a reason. Being there for someone during their time of need is a great reminder that you are needed. INFJs love helping people and giving your time to those who appreciate it can be greatly fulfilling.

We live in a world that romanticizes the idea of relationships. What I have learned is that relationships require a lot of effort. I have also learned that the most important relationship you can work on is the one you have with yourself. My INFJ friends, you must remember to give to yourself the same amount of energy you give to others. If you do not recharge your batteries, how can you possibly be present for anyone? Even when you do get into a relationship, self-care is necessary.

Your introverted ways cause you to love being alone. There will be days when you feel lonely, but they don’t last forever. Who knows if and when you will meet the person of your dreams? What’s more important is that you continue to become the person you have always dreamed of being.

Much love from your INFJ friend,


You are terrifying and strange and beautiful. Something not everyone knows how to love. –Warsan Shire

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Amelia Brown is a twenty-something free spirited type who enjoys writing, reading, and interacting with animals. She feels she cannot be a complete human without a cup of coffee in the morning. She is constantly seeking sources of inspiration and her biggest wish is to inspire someone else. She is a contributing writer for Introvert, Dear.