What Introverts Are Like as Kids

IntrovertDear.com introvert kids

As an introverted child, I lived partly in a small suburb in Minnesota and partly in my imagination. I was content spending whole afternoons by myself, writing books on construction paper and daydreaming. As a teenager, I had a lively group of girl friends, but I didn’t understand why I felt drained after spending the day at the mall with them. They didn’t seem to need the alone time I craved. I told myself they were “normal” and I should be more like them.

Thankfully, as an adult, I’ve learned there’s a word for who I am—introvert—and this is a perfectly “normal” way of being in its own right. I was likely born an introvert and I will always be one.


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That’s because our temperament—meaning, whether we’re an introvert or an extrovert—is generally stable throughout our lives. Research suggests that most kids remain true to the temperament they first exhibit beginning around the age of four months, writes Dr. Marti Olsen Laney in The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child: Helping Your Child Thrive in an Extroverted World. Once an introvert, always an introvert.


What are some other characteristics of introverted children? No two introverts are exactly alike, but introverted children tend to share these characteristics:

1. Introverted kids have a rich inner world. It is alive and present for them. They rely on their inner resources to guide them rather than constantly turning to others. “In their private garden away from the material world they concentrate and puzzle out complex and intricate thoughts and feelings,” writes Dr. Laney. Introverted children like imaginative play, and they prefer playing alone or with just one or two other children. They often spend time in their own room with the door closed, doing solitary things like reading, drawing, or playing computer games. Unfortunately, having a rich inner world can be a double-edged sword, because it can lead them to feel isolated and alienated from others. It’s important for parents of introverted children to help them see how their temperament can be a source of strength.

2. They engage with the deeper aspects of life. Often, introverted children are not afraid of the big questions. They want to know why something matters or what something means. Astonishingly, even at a young age, many of them can step outside themselves and reflect on their own behavior. Often, introverted children want to understand themselves and everyone and everything around them. They might wonder, What makes this person tick?

3. Introverted kids observe first. They prefer to watch games or activities before joining in. Sometimes appearing hesitant and cautious, they stand away from the action and enter new situations slowly. They may be more energetic and talkative at home where they feel comfortable.


4. They make decisions based on their own values. Their thoughts and feelings anchor them inwardly, so they make decisions based on their own standards rather than following the crowd. This can be an extremely positive aspect of their nature, because it means they’re often less vulnerable to peer pressure and they don’t do things just to fit in.

5. Once they’re comfortable with you, they’re excellent conversationalists. Just like introverted adults, introverted kids may warm up to new people slowly. They may be quiet and reserved at first, but, when they’re in a relaxed atmosphere, they enjoy chatting about topics that interest them. Often their aim in conversation is to better understand their own or someone else’s inner world; they value connecting and really getting to know someone. They are often good listeners and remember what their conversational partner said. Introverted kids may speak softly, occasionally pause to search for words, and may stop talking if interrupted. They may look away when speaking to gather their thoughts, but they make eye contact when listening.

6. Introverted children may struggle in group settings. Over the years, our society’s values have shifted and extroversion has become the ideal. We praise assertiveness, group acceptance, and external accomplishment rather than quiet reflection, solitude, and careful decision-making. Sadly, the standards of being outgoing and active have been woven into every school and institution that an introverted child encounters. At a younger and younger age, children are spending time in group day cares and preschools. When they begin formal schooling, they spend 6-7 hours a day with 20 or 30 other children, all the while being encouraged to participate and work in groups. This is challenging for introverts, who do better at home during their early years and adapt more successfully to group settings as they grow older, writes Dr. Laney.


7. Introverted kids socialize differently. They may have just one or two close friends and count everyone else as an acquaintance, because introverts seek depth in relationships not breadth. They probably won’t spend as much time socializing as extroverted kids, and they will likely need to go off on their own after a while to recharge their energy. This is because introverts—both children and adults—become drained and tired after being around other people for long periods of time. They may zone out, clam up, feel overwhelmed, or become cranky when they don’t get enough downtime. But it doesn’t mean they’re unsociable, they’re “differently social,” writes Susan Cain in Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. After some time spent alone in their bedroom, reading, writing, playing a video game or just letting their mind wander, introverted kids will feel energized. They will come out of their bedroom, happily ready to spend time with their family or friends again.

Introverted Kids vs. Extroverted Kids

How do introverted kids compare to extroverted kids? Here are some characteristics of extroverted children, from Dr. Laney’s book:

  • Talk with a snappy patter and loud voice, even more so if nervous
  • Like to switch subjects often
  • Have the capacity to sound like they know more than they do about a subject
  • Stand close to the person they’re talking to
  • Interrupt conversations
  • Look away when listening
  • Use a lot of facial expressions and body language
  • Walk away if a conversation goes on for too long
  • Think of most people as friends
  • Jump into new situations easily
  • Feel charged up after stimulating activities
  • Complain or feel drained if they spend too much time alone

If you’re the parent of an introverted child, the best thing you can do for your child is to honor their temperament. Help your child understand why they feel tired and cranky after socializing, and let them know it’s okay for them to spend time alone. Don’t ever let them think there is something wrong with them because they’re introverted. When we accept introverted kids for who they are, it gives them the self-esteem they need to go confidently into the world.  retina_favicon1

Read this: To Be the Best Mom I Can Be, I Have to Tell My Guilt to Shut Up



10 Comments

  • Sam says:

    Has anyone ever heard of introversion being mistakenly confused for, and perhaps misdiagnosed as, inattentive ADD (in both children and adults)?

    • Erica says:

      I know I’m kind of late to this article, but I felt a need to respond to your question (hope you see it) I am an introvert, and I believe you can also have ADD but probably not ADHD. I was told as a kid that I couldn’t pay attention in school and focus. I was always “day dreaming”. It was true, I was and am always in my own mind. It wasn’t that I couldn’t pay attention, I just couldn’t in a class room. Through grammer school and middle school I got good grades, but felt it getting harder and more overwhelming as I got older. I hated being around so many people. At home I start projects(cleaning) but go from one to another (not finnishing any)and get overwhelmed. I know, I am an introvert to a tee with ADD. On a side note I never understood why in an emergency( even kaotic) I’m always able to focus and step up and take over. I don’t shrink back.

    • Colleen S. says:

      I was diagnosed with ADD back in 1995 when I was twelve because I daydreamed a lot in class. Three of my teachers were concerned, and brought my parents in to discuss it. I went to a child psychologist, who treated me like crap and was diagnosed with ADD. I was medicated, and I went from being a quiet person to a raving lunatic with one medication, and another turned me into a zombie. My mom (against my dad’s wishes) took me off of the medication. I still daydreamed in class, but to a lesser degree after going off the meds.

  • Weiwen says:

    Thinking of in terms of the big 5 personality traits, it sounds like this article may be conflating introversion and openness to experience.

    When you say things like rich and complex inner world, and engage with the deeper meaning of life, I think more about openness to experience.

    Please advise.

  • Jeff says:

    that was me as a kid and that’s my daughter. I celebrate our similarities and look forward to having many wonderful years together with our similarities!

  • I never had many friends as a child. I used to play alone and spent a lot of time in the school’s library. I didn’t know what an introvert was back then but now I understand why I was so different from my peers.

  • […] ~Being a kid and being an introvert. Not always the easiest thing to be, but now that we know more, maybe we can make it better for the younger generation. […]

  • Livia says:

    My son is the description of the extroverted kid and I was the introverted child…

  • Chelsea says:

    I felt a little more extroverted a kid.. I guess I was pretty comfortable walking up to complete strangers, starting clubs and stuff, ect.. I would speak my mind..
    Then at some point I was told I was annoying, and I stopped being my open, comfortable self.

    Now I’m sort of a social avoidant..

    I was always an introvert, though..
    but I didn’t dislike people, so I guess I was probably considered friendly and sometimes likable.

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