Where do introverted men go to meet women, especially after we’ve graduated from college? To bars and clubs? Between the huge crowds, loud music, and obligatory drinking, they’re just not our style. And people are actually expected to find romantic connections in such an environment? Count me out! As introverts, we’d really rather just go home and read a book, do some exercise, or watch TV instead of going out and socializing.
Unfortunately, unlike extroverts, we’re less likely to just fall into a relationship. Even if we’re not shy, we can only be social for so long before we need to relax on our own again. Where do we go to find someone to date, then?
Here are three ways to find a girlfriend who truly “gets” you:
1. Through Your Hobbies
A great way to meet women is through your own hobbies. Pick an activity that you enjoy doing or that you would like to do, and then find a place where there are other people doing that activity.
For example, say that you enjoy physical activity or that you loved gym class back in grade school. If that’s the case, try joining an athletic group in your city. Maybe you’re the kind of person who loves to help people and wants to give back to the community. Try volunteering!
But what about hobbies that are more introvert friendly? What if you’re the kind of person who enjoys reading? Or playing video games? These work too! If you’re really into reading, join a book club. And if you’re more of a gamer, look for a video game or board game meetup that you can attend.
This is a great way to meet women because the people you meet at these types of events will already have a shared common interest with you. People are a lot more receptive to making conversations with strangers at meetups than they are at the bar.
An easy way to find groups related to your hobbies is through Meetup.com. Remember, as introverts, we do have limited energy to spend on being social. You can always leave early if needed. And in case of emergency, you can always go hide in the bathroom.
2. Through Your Social Circle
Another way to meet women is through your social circle. This is such a great way because someone whom you share a mutual friend with is already a potential “warm” connection. You already have something in common because you both happen to know the same person. And to her, if you’re friends with the same person, then you’re probably okay.
As a bonus, you can see if your mutual friend is able to set the two of you up on a date. This helps break the ice more easily and you can skip a lot of the potential awkwardness at the beginning of the relationship. Otherwise, you can introduce yourself to her by saying something like, “Hi, I’m Steve. I was (mutual friend’s) roommate back in college.”
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What if your social circle does not include anyone that you might want to date? Then make some new friends! As I mentioned above, find a hobby or activity that you might enjoy doing and find a place where other people who enjoy doing the same thing congregate. Be open to meeting everybody as you do this, not just date-able women. Try making friends with some of the people that you meet there. They might happen to know someone who would be a good match for you.
Also, keep in mind that extroverts, by definition, love to surround themselves with people and tend to be very connected. If you have an extroverted friend, he may actually have several acquaintances that you’ve never met. Maybe somebody that he knows is just right for you.
3. Online Dating
Finally, a great way to meet women is through online dating. It’s become such a part of pop culture that the Carly Rae Jepson song “I Really Like You” shows people swiping on Tinder. Online dating allows you to filter through people by their interests and personality types before you start talking to them. You don’t have to interact with a bunch of people face-to-face, and you can do it from the comfort of your own room. Introverts rejoice!
My personal recommendation is OKCupid (free). Alternatives include Plenty of Fish (free) and Match.com (paid). Supposedly Match.com gets you better results because everyone else is also paying for it, which means that everyone is more serious about finding a match, but I’ve found that the free sites work great as well.
Write a profile for yourself that is both fun and authentic, and make sure that you have a flattering picture. “Show, don’t tell” your best qualities. As you’re creating your profile, try reading what you’ve written out loud to yourself. Does it sound interesting? If it doesn’t, it’s not going to be interesting to anybody else either.
Send messages to women that are fun and creative. Keep in mind that women generally get a lot of messages on online dating sites and not every message you send will get a response, so don’t get discouraged if you don’t hear back. Personally, I like to ask her a fun question. For example, I was reading one woman’s profile and I noticed that she was in medical school. My message to her was:
“Do they show you the way to a man’s heart in med school?”
She responded, “No, but they showed me how to dissect a man’s heart.”
“Wow, remind me never to make you mad,” I replied.
When she responds, message her back and forth briefly and then ask her for her phone number. Don’t log off before getting her number or you may not get a chance to talk to her again! Then, schedule the first date over the phone. I know, many introverts despise talking on the phone. But this is a time when it’s really worth it to call. When you talk to her on the phone, you’ll get a better sense of what she’s like before the first date. Plus, it shows that you’re willing to go the extra mile. Anyone can set up a date over text, but calling her will make you stand out. Keep the call brief.
If you’ve been messaging many active profiles and you’re still not getting any replies, go back and take a look at what you’re writing for your profile and messages. One common mistake is to send out messages that just say “Hey!” or “How are you?” It’s counterintuitive not to do this, since that would be a perfectly acceptable conversation starter in real life. When it comes to online dating, though, that kind of message doesn’t invite a response.
You don’t have to force yourself to be more extroverted to find a girlfriend who “gets” you. Believe me, there’s few things I enjoy doing more than firing up Netflix and watching reruns of Friends in my pajamas. All I’m saying is that if you want to meet someone to date, then you should go to places that women go to. And, who knows? Put yourself out there enough and maybe you’ll find someone else to watch Netflix with in your pajamas.
For more dating advice for introverts, check out my website, Charming Introvert.