Call Me, Text Me, But You Won’t Reach Me: An Introvert’s Rationalization of Phone Etiquette

Phone strangle

Let me start by saying that even the thought of interacting with humans on any level makes my skin itch. Not like a normal itch, but the kind of itch you get when you notice a silverfish crawling on your wall at night while watching American Horror Story.

As an introvert, specifically an INTJ personality type, communication via cell phone literally drains me more than anything. I’d much rather speak in person or write an email because I normally cannot express true emotions very well over the phone. I literally look at my phone and so much runs through my mind before I even make a decision to answer the phone or text back.

Before I answer the phone, I must first put you through an interview process in my mind. I have to first calculate how much dominant talking you will do. I get irritated while talking to a person who won’t let me finish my statements. People say I’m a good listener, so I guess that’s why people feel comfortable running their mouth non-stop at me.

I do not like being bothered with small talk. If I wanted to know what the weather is like in your area, I would just look at the weather app. I enjoy deep conversations such as topics that deal with cooking, eating, or smelling delicious food or about how scientists should create synthetic stomachs that will allow humans to eat as much food as they please.

If you are a person who I do not talk to on a consistent basis and you call or text me, just know that your response will be delayed. If I am busy doing something, such as laying down staring at the ceiling, I will not answer the phone. It’s not my fault you can’t see what I’m doing and understand why I’m busy.

By the time I have analyzed your incoming call, unfortunately, I was too late and I have successfully avoided your call, accidentally, of course.

I try to avoid lengthy text message conversations. I do not respond to text messages out of fear that someone might text me back too fast. Texting takes planning, because I need time to find the right words to say and how can I do that if you’re texting me in a hurry like you have nothing else to do?

Texting me plain, general statements will not necessarily prompt me to text back either. Texting me something like “Neal, it was so hot outside today” is a plain, general statement. How do you expect me to respond to that? I am so sorry, I guess I will call Mother Nature and tell her to ease up on the hell fire heat because my friend is bothering me again with plain text messages. I am sure she will understand, but then again hopefully she won’t, because you might need that heat as a punishment for bothering me.

Anyway, where were we? Introverts do not need to be in touch with people via phone every single day. I only talk to my best friends and family about three to four times a week, and I like it that way. I have met more than a few potential significant others in my life that wanted to talk to me every day and even more than once in a day.

Why? I haven’t the slightest clue as to why. It’s not that I didn’t like them, it’s just the more time I spend talking to you the less time I have to spend with myself. I know that I am every human’s dream guy and the supreme of my coven, but you don’t need to talk to me more than one good time a day anyway.

Never fear because my rationalization for phone etiquette comes from a place of love and while I’m ignoring your call or text, you could be doing something productive for the world… see we all win!

I try not to do anything that’s too close to what I’ve done before. And the nice thing is we have a big universe here. It’s filled with new ideas. All you have to do is grab them.  Stan Lee

Image Credit: We Heart It


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