7 Secrets About Dating an INTJ Personality Type

dating INTJ

If you’re an INTJ personality type like me, you’ve always struggled to find a partner who understands you. Many INTJs eschew short-term flings and hit the brakes at the first sign of infatuation — because we’re already wondering if it will work long-term. The INTJ is a rare personality type, and not many people “get” us. As a result, we are careful about committing and wait a long time to let you in.

When we do find that special person, we can still be an enigma. We will be a dedicated partner who supports you in achieving your goals. But we can also seem distant, quick to judge, and at times, clueless about others’ feelings.


So what should you know when you’re dating an INTJ? In true INTJ fashion, I’ve created a checklist of seven crucial items, based on input from a group of 25 INTJs.

1. We’re fiercely loyal.

Or rather, we’re methodically loyal. This is part of our wiring. From a young age, most INTJs have a hard time understanding when someone doesn’t really mean what they say. As adults, this translates to us being wary of people who don’t keep their word or follow through on plans.


What’s your personality type? We recommend this free personality test from our partner Personality Hacker.


To us, honesty is not just ethical, but practical. Any dishonesty in a system means results cannot be predicted or trusted. A relationship is a system and we need to be able to project a strong chance of long-term happiness.

(Plus, many of us have been burned in the past. We let very few people into our “inner circle,” and when we do, we have high expectations. A single let-down can leave scars.)

Loyalty doesn’t mean just fidelity. We have a sense of personal dedication to our partner, and we expect to receive that in return. We want a partner who believes in our work, our goals, and our abilities. We believe competence and loyalty go hand in hand; we do not trust a partner who simply cheers for us if we cannot also count on their counsel and good judgment.

When we feel that you provide this, there will be no question of our loyalty in return. We are the type of partner who will drop everything and come to you in your time of need (or more likely, rearrange everything so nothing gets dropped). You can count on us.

2. We want you to succeed.

We show our love by helping you reach your goals. We view all problems as inherently solvable, including problems like lack of wealth, fame, or career success. We may or may not value the same outcomes as you, but if we know exactly what your goals are, we immediately become your COO.

(If the INTJ is immature, or if we don’t understand your goals correctly, we may come off as bullying you into something you don’t want to do. If you say this out loud, we will stop.)

Reciprocation is appreciated, but we’re also self-sufficient. All we really ask is that you understand how much our work means to us, and that you show your support. For bonus points, brag about us. We are bad at bragging about ourselves.

3. But please leave us alone.

INTJs need a ridiculous amount of alone time — possibly more than any other type. And alone time for us means time with no distractions. We don’t make small talk when we’re INTJing. This is how we create our vast plans or do our best work. Without it, we can’t accomplish things. And an INTJ who doesn’t accomplish things is like a plant with no water.

We know this can be off-putting. An INFJ recently told me, “When I’ve had a day to myself I feel recharged and I want to see my friends. When you’ve had a day to yourself I feel like you just want another day to yourself.” Make it a week, please.

There’s no way to change this about us, but we will make time for you if you ask. The secret is to make a plan in advance. We want to spend time with you, we just need to know when it’s coming so we can be out of our heads when it happens.


4. We “think” our feelings.

INTJs aren’t robots. We have deep and powerful emotions like any human. Sometimes those emotions even show up in sudden outbursts, especially if we feel a sense of violation or unfairness. But most of the time, we keep our emotions inside.

This is not a self-defense mechanism. It’s because INTJs view emotions as private. We don’t believe we have any business putting our emotions out in the public sphere, and it can be hard for us when others do so. (Many INTJs hate public displays of affection.) Plus, we know that emotions are volatile. We want to understand what we’re feeling before we act on it. In other words, we analyze everything — especially feelings.

When you understand this, you unlock a treasure trove of INTJ insights:

  • Our first instinct in an emotional discussion is to ask questions. We’re gathering data.
  • When you’re hurt, we want to figure out the cause and fix it.
  • Reassuring language does not reassure us. Insights and solutions do.
  • If we express our feelings, we’re only hypothesizing. We’re not sure how we feel.
  • We need closure. We cannot be “over” a fight without closure.

5. You need to be a lot more blunt.

INTJs are so honest that we easily rub people the wrong way. But we’re not offended by bluntness in return. In fact, we prefer it. This is especially true from someone we love. Don’t worry about hurting our feelings — be brave and speak up loudly.

Did we hurt you? Tell us how. Do we have a bad idea? Tell us why. Should we change something? Tell us. We can take it.

This is so simple that I think some partners are scared of it. It sounds like a trick. We’ve all dealt with someone who says they want you to speak your mind, then blows up when you do. That person is not an INTJ.

To an INTJ, understanding and resolving a problem is much more important than avoiding confrontation. We view confrontation-avoidance as weak, and even deceptive. See the loyalty section above.

6. When we argue, it doesn’t mean we’re upset.

Most people argue to make a point, express anger or get their way. INTJs argue to test ideas.

We are perpetually kicking the tires on what we think we know. We don’t mind being proven wrong. We love being proven wrong if it means we learn something new. But sometimes we forget that not everyone feels this way.




If your INTJ critiques something you don’t want critiqued, it’s okay to tell us to stop. We’re not doing it out of a lack of respect. We’re doing it to help! But, if it’s a recurring problem, just remind us that sometimes you need to be affirmed. We’ll get better at it with time.

7. We’re hard to shop for.

A lot of INTJs told me no one gets them gifts that they really like. But, when I asked what kind of gifts they do like, there was no clear trend. The only trend was that INTJs are picky.

So, the best way to shop for an INTJ? Directly ask the INTJ what they want.

If that’s not possible, here are suggestions:

  • INTJs like useful presents. We don’t value “symbolic” gifts like a scented candle or flowers, unless we happen to need that exact candle for our interior decorating plan.
  • Most of us hate surprises. Especially surprise events. This is because we have a mental plan for every hour of every day, and a surprise ruins it. You might do better with half-surprises. Make sure we know something is happening Friday night, but surprise us with exactly what it is.
  • Ask for options. We’ll happily give you a wish list. We still won’t know exactly what you bought us until we open the box.
  • If in doubt, try consumables. A bottle of wine or a dinner out are great defaults. We will put these presents to use which means they’re valuable.

INTJs, what else should our partners know, and how many of these items ring true? How about the rest of you? Are you dating or married to an INTJ? Tell us what it’s like. What else do would you put on the list?  retina_favicon1

Read this: 6 Ways to Succeed in Your Career as an INTJ Personality Type


Want to be more successful as an INTJ? Our partner Quistic offers a course for INTJs looking to achieve their goals. “Best Practices for Leveraging INTJ Strengths (and How to Be a Likable INTJ)” is a four-part webinar from career coach Penelope Trunk. Includes access to a private Facebook group with nearly 200 success-oriented people of your type. Learn more about the INTJ course here.




87 Comments

  • Jacqueline Hearns says:

    THIS IS SO TRUE IT’S COMICAL!!! I laughed the whole way through because finally somebody “gets” me. And it seems so simple to me. Why don’t everyone who’s ever been interested in me read this article before they approach? lol

  • Ģail says:

    This was a fabulous article, thank you! I’m an INFJ in a living together relationship with an INTJ. THIS was very helpful and soothing to read! The three things I struggle with, are how slow he is to trust and fully let me in; his slowness in discussing his emotions; and the often judgemental bluntness. What I enjoy the most is the shared intuition; the cool, rational logic; the intellect; the loyalty; and the calm rational approach to solving conflict.

  • I am an INFP and I believe I am dating an INTJ (sometimes seems like an ISTP). So much of this resonates with what I have observed of his behavior. The sticking points we have encountered so far have to deal with his penchant for confrontation and critiquing and my love of harmony and appreciation. I have a hard time dealing with what feels like negativity. Any suggestions are welcome. Since we’ve been dating (over a year), I have learned how to be more direct and blunt with my feelings and words. That has helped us resolve and get through most of the bumps in the road. Thanks for your insight. I will apply it.:)

    • “Critiquing and my love of harmony and appreciation.” This does not sound like ISTP. ISTP’s have tertiary Fe, which means they have a soft spot for harmony and appreciation. And INTJ’s/ISTP’s are pretty different – except that both can have a messy workspace for different reasons.

      I assume your boyfriend is INTJ. You asked for suggestions. It sounds like you are already going in the right direction by being as direct and blunt as possible. He will appreciate it. The rest depends on how mature he is and whether he is willing to meet you halfway.

  • KnittyGritty says:

    I think this is also true about being friends with an INTJ. But obviously without a desire for sex. Although a relationship that starts from friendship can evolve into a romantic one. I have certainly never gone directly to a romantic relationship with any man, it’s generally started from first forming an intellectual friendship. And down the road it was impressed upon me that they “liked” me and I then decided it was ok, I could “like” them too. 🙂

    Mushy monsters are rather horrifying. I had one particular case when a man decided to declare himself and it just made me paralytic, because he had basically emotion vomited all over me. I had no warning it was coming and I just didn’t know what to do. I so badly wanted Harry Potter’s cloak of invisibility at that moment, so I could run away to anywhere but there. Worst part is, I think he’s probably still mortified at himself, for so badly misjudging the situation.

  • So true it’s painful: “This is because we have a mental plan for every hour of every day…”

  • Sha says:

    Wow! I’ve been married to an INTJ for over 10 years and still don’t ‘get’ him. This is spot on. He is always ‘ on his head’ and strategizing and it drives me (ISTJ) crazy. It oftentimes feels as though he being manipulative but this article helps to understand what feels like selfishness to me. I laughed and nodded the entire time. I’m printing this one out. Thanks!

    • INTJ / ISTJ is a good pairing. My writing partner is ISTJ. I’m glad it helped.

      • Glad that’s working for you but I (INTJ) find ISTJ’s too encumbered with the past, too bound to tradition, too focused on sensual pleasures (food, smoking, alcohol), too cowardly and with an unbearable tendency toward violence. Screw ISTJs. Great article tho, thanks!

  • Mandi says:

    It’s ridiculous how accurate this is! I’m an INFJ and I’ve been dating an INTJ for 5 years now. I agree that I’ve always struggled with his judgmental bluntness, his “picky” personality and how systematic he is with everything he does, but I’ve learned how to deal with it over the years. However, I’ve always valued his loyalty, his constant support and his genuineness. As someone who’s always up in the clouds, I think we make a great couple because he keeps me grounded, and I help him let loose a little.

  • Mandi says:

    This is so unbelievably accurate! I’m an INFJ and have been dating an INTJ for 5 years now. I agree that it’s been a challenge to deal with his judgmental bluntness, his “picky” personality and his systematic procedures with everything he does, but I’ve learned how to deal with it throughout the years. However, I profoundly appreciate his loyalty, his constant support and his genuineness. As someone who always has their “head up in the clouds”, having someone to keep me grounded is great, and I think he appreciates me helping him open up with his feelings more. I think that’s what makes us a great couple; we compliment each other.

  • Jacqueline Hearns says:

    Here’s something to add: INTJs know what they want. We’ve already rationalized it and once we’ve come to a conclusion, it’s a conclusion. So if you ask what we want, listen to the answer. If we say we want it, get it. We’ll be happy. If we say we don’t want it, don’t get it, or we may come off as unappreciative. And its not that, it’s just that we have already decided in our minds that we don’t want it. It’s really that simple.

  • […] source: 7 Secrets About Dating an INTJ Personality Type […]

  • Lex N. says:

    Wow. I would date you. lol… I’m right on the line between INTP/INFP, but I can relate to all 7 of these without fail. It’s almost too funny to read it, because it actually makes complete sense to me, the feeling of, Wow! there are people that get it.

  • “Our first instinct in an emotional discussion is to ask questions. We’re gathering data.” This could not be more true. I don’t have feelings. I decide them after doing a number of mental gymnastics and possibly making a pro-and-con list. It’s as frustrating for me as it is for you, believe me.

    As far as other secrets to dating an INTJ? Be an INFP or ENFP. I often feel emotionally dyslexic when trying to read other people, but xNFPs are so forthright with their feelings that it’s nearly impossible to misread them, especially since I already have their basic wiring down. (And when an INTJ has your wiring down, that definitely means something.) xNFPs seem to, in general, have a healthy awareness of their strengths and limitations — in other words, they don’t try to compete with us INTJs where we excel (academia and the like) as many other types do, but can totally hold their own with confidence when it comes to other things (such as emotional intelligence and creativity) and thus aid us with some of our blindspots while we can aid them with theirs. Honestly, there’s nothing an INTJ loves more than feeling mutually useful to someone. I’m convinced we all have hero complexes we’re barely able to mask with indifference. Besides, xNFPs need almost as much alone time as us, which is just unbelievably appealing in a potential partner.

    As far as other secrets about dating an INTJ? If we have told you we are not interested in dating you, in most likelihood, you will never be able to change our minds. It’s not that we’re stubborn, it’s just that we’ve already mentally dated, married and divorced you, so to speak. INTJs are as close as you can get to predicting the future — and if we don’t see you in our life, we just don’t see you.

    At the same time, and somewhat contradictingly, we can also be completely emotionally oblivious. Because of this, you may think you’re giving out all the signs that you’re interested and we just keep shutting you down — but there’s a strong chance if you ask us to hang out we’ll take that at face value, not realizing it’s supposed to be a date. So if you do want to date us, it’s best to just ask. I know it sounds crazy and socially awkward to be so straightforward — but it’s literally the only way we’ll probably get it, since we generally can’t flirt or read romantic signs at all.

    • “Honestly, there’s nothing an INTJ loves more than feeling mutually useful to someone.”

      Yes. Most satisfying feeling in the world.

    • I literally just laughed, nodded my head and clapped my hands all at the same time after reading this sentence. “It’s not that we’re stubborn, it’s just that we’ve already mentally dated, married and divorced you, so to speak.” This is so true. Once I’ve decided I’m not interested there’s pretty much nothing you can do to change my mind. It’s for the best. No point wasting my time or yours since I’m 100% sure we’d never work in the long haul… and the long haul is all that matters. (I’m INTJ)

  • Jess says:

    Oh boy was this helpful! I’m an ESFP married to an INTJ… Opposites attract 🙂 anyway this article is a good reference for me. I forget that most of the time the things that drive me nuts about my INTJ are the very things I’m attracted to. I can use this to go back and remember how great he is and not a big boring, planning, emotionless machine (as I tend to think him when I’m bored and wanting fun and romance and spontaneity!) Fortunately for us we are constantly teaching each other how to see the world from a different view. Thanks again for the write up!

  • Dave D. says:

    As an ENFP dating a woman which I strongly believe to be an INTJ, this article was really useful and spot on on so many levels. She often wants to be left alone, and it’s usually the time I take to do my own things like:
    Rehearsing music, which I can’t do properly with a clingy partner that keeps interrupting or distracting me. She usually listens to it discreetly and respects my alone time because she values it as much as I do (probably a lot more though)
    Or I go see some friends to get that social interaction my strong extrovert side craves from time to time, so she gets some peace and quiet.
    I especially appreciate how her stability and rationality calms my never-ending inner conflicts and we usually end up having deep and meaningful conversations. 🙂 She also enjoys the fact that I deal with my most of our social interactions, ensuring every time she is okay to get out of her batcave to go see “these people”.

  • Antowan says:

    Being a intj i feel were potrayed accurately in your outstanding article. I just wish i could get my friends tk read and understand it.

  • Lesley says:

    WOW, your description is spot on. In addition to all of the above I believe that INTJs are also natural leaders.

  • Roberta says:

    Wow! I’m an INTJ girl and I see myself in everything you wrote! It feels so good to be understood FINALLY!

  • Donna says:

    As an INFJ marrying an INTJ, many of these points ring true. The one place we differ is that the only person I know who is more introverted than my INTJ is me! She treats this very respectfully and just enjoys being to sit or cuddle in companionable silence unless I really, really need 100% complete solitude. But in any case, the being truthful point still scares me sometimes to this day. I’ve had a few too many people say they ‘want the truth’ and not really mean that. And the gift-giving! She’s impossible! I mean that in the most loving way, though. What do you get a practical person who already has everything they need? A bottle of wine, of course!

  • Beck says:

    Oh my gosh YES. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I feel the title might limit the usefulness of the article though. This will help anyone in any sort of relationship with an INTJ.

  • i don’t know what intj means but i think i got it…

  • Nathanael says:

    I’m an INTP, and quite a few of these things apply to me, tho not all… I’d love to see one done for INTP in specific tho. ^^

  • Tristan Savant says:

    This sound very accurate. I would have totally loved seeing one of these done for ISFP, it’d help me alot! 😀

  • Gloria Song says:

    I’m an INFJ that used to date an INTJ. I was always confused and hurt by his bluntness and I had a difficult time expressing my anger fearing that I may hurt his feelings… Also he needed a lot of alone time which made me feel that he was losing interest for me. This article made me understand a bit more about him. I really want to hear more about how INFJ women learned to understand INTJ men. Please leave more comments! What were your biggest struggles and how did you guys solve it?

  • Karma TheFirst says:

    I want to print this in a pamphlet and hand it out to prospective friends, partners and colleagues 😀

  • Wilson M. says:

    I wish I knew about this a long time ago, and now it is too late when my ex wife who is INTJ and I should have understood her more. This is very helpful, I wish I can turn back time to realize this from the beginning.

  • Ivan says:

    Thank you for this insight, it is most amazing “guide” to deal with us I ever read.

  • Sonya says:

    Excellent article! I had to laugh about the “Please leave us alone” and the bluntness. Why can’t people just get it?? I always thought that everybody should be like us! It was so good to read your article!

  • Codey says:

    Hahaha, like all the other INTJ’s commenting here I was also laughing through it because it’s so true it’s comical. Especially the surprises and gift parts! I hate receiving a gift that has absolutely no practical use. For instance I’m currently building Boomboxes, so if my girlfriend (and INFJ) were to get me say a small amp or some speakers or even a different type of part that would cause me to have to rethink how I build them I fall even that much more in love with her. So if anyone is dating an INTJ, find out what project they’re working on…Are they into art? Ask what kind of pens/pencils/markers they need or if they’re eying a new book to draw in. Building a computer? What component are they about to buy next, TELL THEM THOUGH, do not hint at it, or they’ll buy it not realizing you were going to. The gifts that mean the most to us are most definitely the ones with a practical use.

    And with the being blunt, this is an absolute must. Trust me, you will not hurt our feelings. We tend to have two different thinking processes. We have the same feelings everyone else does and will feel hurt, however…we have the second thought process that lets us analyze what we’re feeling, like a second person making an opinion in our heads. Once analyzed (depending on person can be near instant as with myself) we take it with the proverbial “grain of salt” and are perfectly fine. Trust me when I say, we want you to be completely honest and blunt, it’s the only way we will change. Hints fly right past us.

    On the same note don’t think that our bluntness is us trying to hurt you, it’s most definitely not. We appreciate that others feelings bubble more closely towards the surface than ours do, but we do have a hard time grasping at the concept of subtlety. To us getting straight to the point is the best way to convey feelings and ideas. The fluff makes us feel like you’re wasting our time and we tend to just stop listening at a certain point. It’s just how we’re, or more correctly, how I’m wired as I’m just going off of my personality in general.

    And yes the alone time is an absolute must. Will we have lengths of time where we want to be around you and be our sole focus? Absolutely yes! BUT, you also have to remember we need our time to detach from the outside world and be inside our head to go over social interactions/ideas/thoughts/actions/plans as well. I dated a girl who just could not for the life of her understand this and took my detachment as me being a “terrible” boyfriend. Maybe I was being one, but when she bought me a book on how to be a good boyfriend I saw that as a huge insult and broke it off immediately. Where the thoughtful gifts that have no use to us can look as though we don’t appreciate it, the ones insulting us directly will never go unnoticed. So be sure to take care because once a loved one hurts us it completely rattles us to our very being and we sometimes will cut ties with that person, it takes a lot to get into our hearts so do take care of it as when we say we hold you next to our heart we are not just being romantic, we’re also being literal.

    We are also very objective thinkers. We can detach ourselves from situations and look at it from what we’d perceive as a rational and outside opinion. This includes a detachment from personal feelings. We don’t like to rush to decisions based upon feelings and emotions and want it based on logic and reasoning so even when it’s something that to someone else might be a decision that could hurt them emotionally, we understand that the outcome is greater than our personal feelings. So when we give you advice know that it is to our best objective judgement and you can trust that we have gone through all the best ways we could think of to get the result. And if our advice is wrong we accept it and add it to our wealth of knowledge so as to make a better assessment next time.

    But if there is anything you should know about us is our absolute need to privacy. We are extremely private and rarely share exactly how we feel with our emotions. And IF we confide in you it’s because we trust you will keep our private feelings private. There are also cases of INTJ’s that are extreme to the point where unless they hold you within their very selective and very private circle of friends you will get nothing about their personal lives to include who they hang out with or even whether or not they’re dating. Those are the most extreme cases however. As an INTJ I view those people as irrational and have a hard time accepting their personality type. To me it seems irrational to keep that much of you locked away as social interactions require a certain level of give and take.

    And while writing this I’m talking to my girlfriend (an INFJ) and explaining things to her and gaining her perspective on how an INFJ is perceived by others. And what I’ve learned from her is that these personality types are best understood when you can understand where each other sits with their respective personality. Researching into the personality types and then explaining where exactly we each sit on it has helped us to grow closer together. But just reading what each personality type is isn’t explanation enough though, you also have to understand your personal definition within the personality type. Convey how strongly you are with each strength and each weakness of your personality type, some have tendencies leaning more towards some explanations and less towards others. Once you understand one another’s needs you can build an even stronger relationship rather than walking blind.

  • Dawn Summers says:

    As a female INTJ, I feel this explains my former husband’s many misunderstandings in our marriage. We were complete opposites and he always thought I should be more normal. If I could add a section it would be about asking the INTJ the state her feelings about the relationship and the significant other when he needs to know. My husband always seemed to think that I should randomly break out in sonnets about my love for him. I told him he should just let me know when he needed me to tell him how much I care for him. He thought I was not being at all romantic. I guess I never realized how little he understood the amount of thoughtful planning I put into the relationship. That was my way of being romantic. In true INTJ form, when it became clear to me that he really needed random romantic outbursts from me then I created a random seeming schedule so I remembered to seem romantic enough to appease him. It worked quite well for almost a decade.

  • Nikki says:

    This made me laugh so hard. My boyfriend is an INTJ and I am an ESFJ. Sometimes our differences in personality make it difficult for us to understand each other, but this article made everything make so much sense! Especially the part about asking questions and “gathering data.” Sometimes he handles situations in a way that will make my friends raise an eyebrow. Hahahaha, INTJs are truly difficult to understand.

  • Anna (INTJ) says:

    There’s a whole lot of truths in this article – except the dating part… I wouldn’t know the first thing about it…

  • gosh you have no idea how much I love this site. Most of the articles here are like written for me, and sometimes I even find something about me that I was never aware of before.

  • Sera says:

    I love this site and I loved, loved, loved this article. No, that’s not redundant. I love it three different ways. 😉 I am an INFJ deeply in love with an INTJ, and I’m constantly trying to understand him even more than I think I do, for our mutually increased benefit. This had me nodding, laughing and oohing with sudden insight. Thank you for such a great guideline to the INTJs heart!

  • G says:

    I agree with all seven main points, although not with all of the explanatory details, which I think can vary a lot from person to person. I am an INTJ woman and one of the primary issues I’ve encountered recently has been with regard to differing concepts of schedule/time. My boyfriend just does not “get” that I truly need to know in advance exactly what will happen when. Everything must be scheduled, and I absolutely hate it when he’s late. This just seems obvious to me. But he is not being malicious; he actually just has a totally different mindset about time. Sometimes it’s hard to know where the best solution for middle ground compromise really lies, and how to achieve it.

  • Lauren says:

    Great list! As a female INTJ happily married to an ENTJ, I can add a few interesting caveats. I have come to appreciate little tokens of affection such as flowers–they were never important to me before, and I don’t *need* them and my husband isn’t terribly prone to give them, but when they do come, they are particularly appreciated as something special. Also, while a lot of INTJs may have married someone who doesn’t really *get* the way they think, my husband and I understand each other incredibly well. He is actually the less emotional one in the relationship, so I feel more like an emotional woman having been married to him for nine years now than I ever felt when living with female roommates (in which case I always felt like I thought so much more like a man in contrast to the way my roomies thought and felt). My husband is my best friend and pretty much the ONLY person I open up to about my emotions–he’s the only place I am completely vulnerable…which sometimes means I dump on him and …poor him! LOL

    Aside from those minor differences (probably owing to the fact that I am a woman INTJ and have met my extroverted counterpart in my ENTJ husband), the rest of the article is spot-on! Loved it! I had a very particular list in what I was looking for in a husband, and I never dated anyone else. I literally checked off everything on my list when I met him and evaluated him. Knew he was mine from the start. The emotions followed later.

    • Lauren says:

      Any other INTJs have a hard time giving gifts? I get a little bah-humbug about holidays where I am expected to purchase gifts for people who seem to already have everything they need. I don’t want to buy them something trite or something I deem useless…so I’m probably not a very good gift giver. I usually give people books, which I find incredibly useful…all my non-reader friends probably hate me…muahahaha

      • Tamatha says:

        Yes, Lauren, this is very true for me as an INTJ! I remember at 11 years old, I bought my Father a rotary nose-hair clipper…I was SO proud of my sensible, usable and specific purchase! It has brought much laughter every time we talk about it. I remember being completely dazed, not offended, but just confused, by the reaction I received (laughter and surprise). I think we are as picky, and honest, about what we give as what we get, because we expect the same careful thought and honesty from others. My Parents gave up at 13 and started giving me money in a stocking for Christmas from then on. 🙂

  • Spot-on. As a female INTJ, I have confounded my ‘romantic’ partners for nearly two decades. Thank you for your insightful article.

  • Leah says:

    I am an infj woman dating an intj man. He definitely needs his alone time! This article is spot on! Andre why is your opinion that intj and infj make a great match? Can you explain? The first time we hung out we had an amazing connection unlike anything I’ve ever experienced we definitely get each other! Sometimes it is extremely hard for me to know how much he cares. I feel like I care more and sometimes it’s frustrating! What are signs an intj is serious about a relationship? Great article! 🙂

    • Leah, here is how you can tell: if he’s in a relationship with you then he’s serious about the relationship. I know that sounds too simple to be true but it is. INTJs tend to be extremely literal and purposeful in relationships, and don’t usually play “games” etc.

      As for why INTJ and INFJ are so compatible…. in my opinion it’s a combination of two things. One, any T/F type pair is likely to get along well (ENFP/ENTP; ISFJ/ISTJ; etc), simply because they see the world mostly the same way. Two, INFJs and INTJs both rely on a mental process called introverted intuition or “Perspectives,” which is about seeing different sides of an issue or thinking abstractly. Two people who both use Perspectives can generally work through almost any difference because, even if they don’t agree, they can easily see each other’s point of view. Not a bad deal.

      That’s just my take though.

  • Lu says:

    Ok, so as a young INTJ, I have fallen in love with the gay ENFP’s on youtube and have realized that they are 1 always gay and 2 extremely feminine.

    Can anyone relate?

  • Leah says:

    Thank you for your response! It makes sense. One of the best parts of our relationship is that when we disagree about something neither of us take offense and we definitely understand one another’s perspective. He is super honest and that is something I really admire about him because my past partners were deceptive and never understood me like he does. So it’s been really great so far. The only thing that could maybe improve is him expressing his feelings towards me a little more with words. But I get it. He definitely shows how much he cares through actions like he doesn’t like being around people very often but he always wants to spend time with me and will spend time with my family and friends 🙂

  • What an amazing article, I just found my new favorite blog!!! I’m the poster child of an INTJ who happens to be married to a ENFJ and her extroverted feeling and my introverted thinking makes for a dynamic yet challenging pairing of personality types. You described my thinking, feeling, behavior and habits to a T. Having an understanding of why I think, feel and behave the way I do is so empowering and to better understand why and how my wife thinks, feels and behaves is priceless gift. Cant wait to read the article on ENFJ’s.

  • […] Read this: 7 Secrets About Dating an INTJ Personality Type […]

  • Cindi says:

    Thank you for putting it so clearly! I’m an ENFP happily married to a very INTJ. I have over the last 11 years, I’ve figured out most of these from a shared intuition (and sometimes his bluntness). Here are a few observations:

    I remind myself often that he critiques from a place of wanting to improve always and it’s just his natural tendency. I’ve also become really good at telling him precisely what he should do to show he cares and he tries. In turn, I recognize often that his thoughtfulness and his care in planning are ways he is showing love. It’s subtle but beautiful.

    I’ve also learned to make suggestions for changing the plan (whatever category that may be) and let him mull it over for a day or two. He is willing to change his plan/action if he thinks it over and decides it is a better idea. I’ve had lots of good changes happen because I gave him space to change direction and not pressured him for immediate reaction. I do wish I had had this list earlier – I could have saved some time and frustration.

    He was so INTJ in how he pursued me. He had lots of questions and analyzing. Then one day he just made up his mind and that was that.

    As for the guardedness – oh yes. He actually told me early on that he hated when people talked about their partners in an even slightly disparaging way. I guessed correctly that it fit with his idea of loyalty. I never have teased about him to anyone and I know that is super important to him.

  • ocino says:

    .”But we’re not offended by bluntness in return. In fact, we prefer it.” LOL…hell no, don’t listen to that BS. One of the glaring hypocrisies of a lot of INTJ’s is that they can BE blunt to others but they can’t cope with bluntness in return. They do not “prefer” it, they can’t handle it. What a joke.

  • SB says:

    This is so funny. It’s not rocket science to please an INTJ. All the points are very clear and logical so I have to wonder why I’m 44 and still single 😀

  • Charlotte says:

    Dear Andre, I already read through a few of your articles on INTJs, but reading this one I can’t decide to laugh or cry! It’s so true, so simple, yet so very few people get it. I think I’ll print this article and stick it on my (ISFJ) boyfriend’s forehead xD

    I loved this article: http://introvertdear.com/2016/07/18/what-its-like-being-an-intj-woman/ and this one too: http://introvertdear.com/2016/02/18/intjs-how-to-jump-start-your-biggest-idea-even-if-no-one-gets-it/ and the latter really struck a cord with me, I had a “tipping point” a month or so ago and since then I feel truly effective.

    I also would like to add, that I have a child, she’s 6 and a mirror image of me. Actually I usually say, she’s exactly like me, but with no self control. The point is, as an INTJ woman and mother as well, I wish I could make her read this, maybe she’ll understand more about why things work the way things work (and somehow magically she would be more logical instead of overly emotional? Oh who am I kidding..:P)

    Anyway, I’ll get back to observing instead of commenting (I think this is the first time in my life that I’ve left a comment on a website or such) and read more of your articles, and your website (which seems great so far, congratulations). Thank you for the articles! 🙂

    • Charlotte, thank you so much for taking the time to post this comment. It means a lot to me that my writing is helping other INTJs. Especially because so often we try to do everything on our own! Thank you for the kind words & warm wishes with everything.

  • […] Read this: 7 Secrets About Dating an INTJ Personality Type […]

  • Bj says:

    I’m an ENFJ dating a INTJ. She is hard to buy gifts for, she is clueless to how she feels or I feel and can’t communicate effectively or tactfully. For someone who thinks so much it can seem like she doesn’t think about me. She hates it when I’m right. She needs more space than any woman I have ever met. She is sexy smart and strong. I have more space than ever before in a relationship. I’m not sure this is a good thing as I like her company. Will she ever really let me in?

    • Jen says:

      Hmm, that is tricky. Have you tried being straightforward and, by that, I mean what most would consider to be blunt? Not rude, just blunt. If she’s more mature (not knocking her), she will respond reasonably. If she’s not, this could be seen as calling her flawed and she may respond negatively. It’s not that she doesn’t know she’s flawed (we all are), it’s just she may not appreciate being called out on it. Short-comings are an especially hard thing for us to accept. Especially personal ones.

      As far as the space thing goes, defiantly talk about it and try and come to a compromise. Save for those able to do the things we cannot (ring up groceries, supply electricity, pave roads, etc) we really don’t need others in our life. I know if I didn’t find my INTP husband, I would be perfectly content to be a book-laden, pet-keeping, recluse. It helps that he’s very similar to me, though. As far as what the space compromise will be, that depends on your two unique needs and wants, but a compromise is definitely needed as you two are quite different. It’s not impossible, though!

      Does she really hate it that you’re right or that she’s wrong? This, again, depends on her level of maturity. I’m not keen on being wrong and may fume about it for a while but, usually, am glad to have been corrected or seen a new insight. Whether I accept it or not depends on the situation. Maybe she feels superior to you because you are more feeling??? I struggle validating emotions but not to say I haven’t.

      Will she ever let you in? You’re already in! *Smiley face* If an INTJ even gives you the time of day, you’re doing well. But to have one consider and try and relationship with you, kuddos! Don’t over-think it. She’s doing the best she can and open, honest, insight from both will help clear things up. Also understand that just as you are who you are, she is who she is. A lot can be give-and-take but there are certain things that are concrete in all the types. An INTJ being, seemingly, removed even aloof helps us be objective and obtain or maintain the best opinion or course of action about things.

      The most important thing to do is talk. Friendly suggestion: Even though you know your type, take a personality test individually but together and explain your answers. Debate even. She’s probably going to want to debate or just question things just to understand when your answers are different. Like all types, there’s a sliding scale within them. How much of an INTJ she is is unique to her as with how much of an ENFJ you are. You’ll just have to have a bare, even vulnerable, talk. Regardless of type, communication is the crucial element to any relationship. It must be present and frequent.

    • Sage says:

      As an INTJ female, let me just say first off-kudos to you for being willing to date the elusive INTJ female, there are extremely few men out there who feel up to the task. Although I can’t speak for your significant other, from personal experience we DO open up, it just takes what seems like an eternity. INTJs either love very deeply or not at all. If she is even willing to open up a little and let you in, or express any sort of vulnerability, this is a BIG deal and you should feel very special. Because we greatly value efficiency, we either approach things head on, or not at all. If we see it as a waste of our time, we’re done, just like that. Your patience, insight (even though us INTJs can be very hard to read) and even willingness to nurture are wonderful compliments to an INTJ. Just because we do not express our emotions outwardly does not mean that we are cold or emotionless. We often times have a lot of trouble expressing ourselves emotionally. Hope this helps and things are going well since this post!

  • dutchfruitjarJen says:

    HAHA! So much “yes”! My husband is an INTP and compliments me perfectly. He knows me so is an excellent gift giver. I’ll let you in on a secret: books. Just buy me a book or books that I’ve been wanting. Or, for those not in the know: Ask! Or just give me money. My grandma has a hard time with this. After years of horrid gifts, I finally told her, “If you truly want to give me something I will truly enjoy, here:….” I certainly don’t ask for gifts.

    I like flowers as their either picked spur-of-the-moment or that person went out of their way to order some. It’s very thoughtful. Include a barbershop quartet along with those flowers, though, and consider yourself “out”. haha My husband tried to sing to me a couple of times at home before he learned this just gives me the hee-bee-jeebies and makes me promptly leave the room. Even if he was partially joking.
    My dad always texts and asks me what I want whenever he visits some place or is just looking online. It’s hard for me to say, “Oo! Ok! I want…” but, with him, I know he really wants to so I just tell him. He’s the same personality type as me. My mom on the other hand… She’s a narcissistic, immature, ENFP. We get along because I bite my tongue; but all my life I’ve always felt older than her and more of a big sister (me) little sister relationship. I absolutely hate molly-coddling and she needs it.
    The best way you can show me love is to help me achieve a goal. Whether it’s long term, big, small. Whatever. This is how I show love as well. Life is long and there’s a lot I want to accomplish. Fill up my gas tank or aid in a big promotion – Thank you!

  • Thank you so much for this Blog! I am an INTJ and my boyfriend is an INFJ. This has been very insightful and encouraging!

  • This article is perfect. Not a single fact is overstated or exaggerated and all are incrediblt applicable. As an INTJ myself, this article is a must read for anyone I will consider a relationship with. Thank you Andre Sólo. Well written, well worded, by someone who clearly understsnds exactly what he’s talking about.

  • Misty says:

    I’m kinda confused. I’ve always gotten an INFJ, but reading this has me wondering. This is me to a T. Wish there was a similar article on INFJ to do a comparison.

    I struggle to find a man who can respect my boundaries. Who will accept that I do care and can be loyal without having to constantly reassure or give up alone time to coddle what I see/feel as insecurity. Or wants to change me because something is wrong with me lol. I have no patience for any of it. I’d rather be on my own!

    • Misty, this is not exactly the same but covers what INFJs want in a relationship: http://introvertdear.com/2015/03/24/who-is-the-infjs-soulmate/

      One thing that might help you decide is this: Which sounds more like you?

      (a) Emotional intimacy is one of the most important things you seek in a relationship. You may be private about your feelings sometimes, but you want to be able to talk about them with your partner and understand their feelings as well.

      (b) You can develop deep feelings for your partner, but you’re reserved about expressing them. It’s hard to talk about how you feel because you don’t always know how you feel. If your partner needs too much emotional intimacy or wants to talk about their feelings all the time, it gets exhausting.

      If a I would guess INFJ, if b I would guess INTJ.

  • BJ says:

    Andre this is a great insight for me as a non INTJ. The feedback from the readers is great too, it has challenged my thinking. I made a comment about my INTJ girlfriend not liking it if I’m right. She’s younger than me by a few years, I would say life experience has its own breadth of knowledge but experience is less quantifiable than what she has read ,heard or experienced herself. This is a sticking point because I often need to explain things I have learned in alot of detail to answer her, it’s not something I’m accustomed to. Maybe we can build a bridge between our two languages and worlds and really enjoy being together even more.

  • Tabitha says:

    So true! Wonderful article. I have been reading so much about INTJ lately after testing as one earlier this year, and this site seems to articulate its content the best. Thank you.

  • Andrea says:

    I am an INFP in a relationship with an INTJ. It really helps me to read about his personality type because then I don’t take things like his lack of verbal affection and need for a lot of alone time personally like I first did. Now that I understand the whys of his behavior they are easier for me to deal with. (And vise versa, he also has read about my personality type, that is one of the pluses in our combination, both types seek to understand the other person and better the relationship).
    My biggest concern is his need for far more alone time than I need. I don’t understand how INTJ’s need for so much a lone time works in marriage. (Which is probably why he is 40 and never been married). Makes me wonder if he could ever handle marriage and family life. This is honest question and I would love some honest answers, how does INTJ’s need for so much alone time work in a live together/marriage relationship? INFPs need alone time too, but for me that means a few hours or a day alone. I need more time than that alone at home with my family, often won’t socialize with anyone else for week or two, but do like my kids’ company and would love companionship of a husband (alone with my safe family circle where I feel loved and accepted) I can not handle suffocating relationships where the guy wants to be with you every second of everyday, I need space to think and breathe too. But my INTJ man often needs 4-10 days alone, totally alone. How does that work in marriage? You can’t just ignore your spouse and kids for a week.
    Anyone else in an INTJ INFP relationship that can give me some pointers. Can it work? (Without living in two separate houses next door to each other like he jokes about) (maybe it’s not a joke, might work well for us).
    I want this relationship to work. I have waited a long time to find a compatible match (been on my own 9 years) and we are compatible in the ways that matter most to me and we accept and value the differences, but they do cause some bumps in the road.
    This article is very helpful and insightful. I love reading as much as I can about INTJ males so I can understand my man better. This article nails it. It describes him to a T. Will help me a great deal in my relationship.
    Maybe someone can answer my question. I truly want to know how INTJs handle marriage. Want ideas for us so we don’t have to live next door to each other when we are married.

  • Carolyn says:

    I’m an INFP married to an INTJ for 8 years now. We’ve developed our own approach to gift giving to each other that works well for us: we just decide on an amount to spend and then go shopping together (always at the bookstore since we both love books). It’s really fun at Christmas going for a big book buying spree together! Neither of us likes suprise gifts from family members (although I don’t mind them as much as he does) because we’re always thinking that money could have been better spent on books but not just any book, only this specific one will do…

    One thing in our relationship that is sometimes hard to handle is that he tends to fuss over me a lot because I have mental health problems and I’m pretty spacey so I tend to forget to eat or do things at a normal time. He’s ended up doing all the cooking and most other chores because even though I say I’ll do them, he just wants them done right away so he goes ahead and just does it before I get to it. It sounds nice in theory but sometimes it is so exasperating! I guess he just wants to make sure I stay alive and our lives continue to function normally and all that but sometimes I just want to yell that I did manage to exist for 27 years before I met him!! (Though tbh my life was often a hot mess…. I was raised by an abusive and mentally ill ENFP…)

    He does put up with me kissing him in public though, even though it makes him uncomfortable, because he knows it’s how I show love. No relationship is perfect but we do the best we can. (I need more alone time than he does for some reason though.)

  • Harry says:

    I have not finished reading all of your article, but I do enjoy what I have read. I want to comment that one of the reasons I do tend to think about emotions is because many people can be FALSE when it comes to their emotional displays and behaviors. People do not lie by words alone. They may conjure up some emotion or other in order to elicit a reaction or in order to try to effect our mood state, in either event, out of calculation in an attempt to be manipulative. People can also make emotional pleas citing one thing, and if you give in you might quickly find out that their entire emotional tone and reasoning quickly shifts gear and veers off in some other direction, while they imagine that you are to hold fast to what ever had been agreed upon, under their deception. That is why I am skeptical of people’s emotional states, because too often they are bogus to begin with.

  • Julia says:

    I am an INFJ and my best friend is an INTJ. She has very intense emotions that scare her, and she shuts down suddenly when she is overwhelmed. She also believes she will scare me if she is herself, but I am not in the least afraid of strong emotion, mine or hers. Meanwhile my affection for her is very strong, in a completely non-romantic way. I am always worried about overwhelming her with my over the top affection. She seems to be ok with what I’ve expressed so far, which, while it is just the tip of the iceberg of what I feel, still seems excessive to me. In fact, she says that she so thoroughly believes no one could love her that she thinks it is good that I love at her so strongly, because otherwise she might not notice or believe it.

  • Ellen says:

    lol I’m an intj woman and im married to an istp man
    …my life summed up is pretty much being “harassed” incessantly by a self-righteous enfj mother and all her ideals that when i met my hubby his “simpleness”, practicality, and “coolness” just swept me off my feet.
    we got married and im free from that shit now.
    After being with this man for 3 years, i’m now a combination of intj and istp practically.
    of course, im still an intj but i keep the intj bits to myself and act like an istp when interacting with people.
    …it really made the “irrational bits of social life” so much easier
    My hubby is happy too since istps only work with independent personalities but they also have the desire to be loved passionately(i wish i could italicise or underline this)
    so…although most mbit combination charts suggest that intj and istp dont really click together, i dont think that is correct.
    i do understand where that logic is coming from though…as intjs with their love for complex thoughts dont particularly find “simple” istps too intriguing, most of the times.
    …they probably work well together professionally though, ideally intj being the boss lol
    well…in a sense, isn’t married life kind of like being business partners for life?
    the dating part is the tricky part though…
    i’d say that romance between an intj and an istp works fantastically (you could never ask for a better compatibility and it balances each others’ greatest weaknesses so perfectly) as long as the two fall in love, but THAT part is the most difficult part for both sides xD

  • Ellen says:

    i think you are confusing intj with infj

  • Ellen says:

    the 2nd comment was meant to be directed at some comment at the top but whatever lol
    you see…i see many comments that say intj and infj are good combinations, but it wasnt quite so for me
    my father was infj.
    he was a jaw-droppingly intelligent man.
    his criticisms toward me were nowhere near the fericity of mother’s, nor was it mixed with emotion.
    he only criticised me for my “lack of results”, but that is ridiculous…
    i mean, mother, with her ridiculous self-righteousness, imposed HER order on me and my life so obcessingly (and i couldn’t avoid her or even stay secluded as this woman ACTUALLY dragged me out incessantly since i’m a “broken child” and she has to fix that D:)
    although father took no part in actually doing the damage, he passively supported mother and said im wrong for my “lack of results”.
    i think that is an act of utter cowardice, so i personally don’t see infjs in a positive light…
    i am also skeptical of infj+enfj romances for that reason…
    they themselves are fine, but they are disastrous combinations when they become parents
    they work fine together because they are so strikingly similar and understanding of each other, but their children aren’t necessarily going to be similar to them. they, however are very easy to become very self-righteous, especially since they both have the “j” at the back, and are unyielding and stubborn in their ways since they have “rights” and have never harmed anyone before…)
    (it’s the same for every mbit combination that differ only in e/i, especially if they have a “j” at the back-the extrovert becomes the main “abuser”, and the introvert counterpart becomes the passive supporter)
    personally, for a similar reason, i don’t think intj istj is too great either…
    i have an istj friend. she’s great, but i do realize that we do become much more judging and criticising (of whatever) when we are together.
    as a friend it’s ok, but when they marry, they do take a similar pattern in parenting.
    i have became much more open to spontaneity (is that a word? lol) and much more down-to-earth.
    i need alone time, but my hubby likes alone time too, so what we do is we spend our “alone times” together xD
    my hubby does online games while i read or do whatever in the same room.
    we don’t talk. not a word, unless it’s for something practical (e.g. could you get me a drink from the fridge), but we are really comfortable and we spend most of our times together like that-introverting TOGETHER xD
    seriously, it’s awesome.

  • Ingka says:

    What you described really is a spot on! “having someone to keep me grounded is great” indeed!! Exactly me and my bf!

  • Tuukka says:

    While many of these points are spot on, I can give you real life example on part 7 from my life.

    I’m an INTJ and last christmas my girlfriend bought me two simple hand towels and a coffee mug with my favourite hockey team logo on it. I needed new small towels to use in bathroom to dry your hands, but I never remember to buy them.

    I also like to drink coffee, so my girlfriend bought me a big coffee mug with my favourite hockey team logo on it. I honestly appreciated those gifts a lot, and they are all still in daily use.

    I can imagine that someone else would think coffee mug and two hand towels as christmas present for your boyfriend would be boring. I found them really cool because they are something truly useful. Heck, I drink coffee several times a day and it’s a big, sturdy mug with my team logo on it. How cool is that?!

    This is just an example of my life and doesn’t work for everyone, but indeed if you are buying gift for your INTJ girlfriend / boyfriend, it’s likely he / she will respect more something that is useful than flashy-blingy-expensive stuff that has no practical use.

  • Mimi says:

    Harry, I assume you’re a INTJ. As a feeler, most people who feel rather than think as their primary pattern, isn’t always trying to elicit a reaction of some sort. Internally, emotions are sensory/intuitive for some. It helps us navigate with people because we use it for nonverbal ques rather than always talking or thinking(where this natural for INTJ). I dated a INTJ, and sadly he was brilliant/manipulative, more on a narcissist/psychopathic way. He was definitely an actor. Overall, I think we all could learn something from each personality.

  • Cynthia says:

    I am an INFJ woman dating an INTJ, and I must say that I love his rational, methodical, and unquestionable loyalty. The problem I have, however, is getting him to meet my emotional needs when I need it (bad day, could use some positive reassurance). We are in a long distance relationship which makes physical acts of care impossible. The problem is that when I am having a bad day and feeling shitty, I communicate to him that all I need is some positive affirmations, but he just turns that into a joke, like “oh OK let me just draw a positive sign on your head”.

    I am one of those overly generous INFJ’s and I have to wonder if maybe I’ve been too “easy” and he feels no need to accommodate me since what I need is irrational in his mind. I am deeply in love with him, but I’m getting exhausted with feeling like I’m the only one trying to learn and accommodate the other. I think the problem for him is that he doesn’t believe himself capable of expression and empathy and thus doesn’t bother. I would really be grateful if anyone can give me suggestions on how an INTJ can be inspired to get over his belief that positive affirmations are irrationally insecure, and actually just meet my needs!

  • […] don't have enough experience to say, but I found this an interesting article that appears accurate.7 Secrets About Dating an INTJ Personality Type – Introvert, Dear (function(w,d,s,i){w.ldAdInit=w.ldAdInit||[];w.ldAdInit.push({slot:8275656534393447,size:[0, […]

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